Sometimes, when I look at people around me, or that I pass by on that usual walkrunslog I do, I’m amazed at how “put together” they are. I’m never going to be one of those people, who constantly appears and seems to have it all planned out.
I’m okay with that, because, for me, every time I do try and smash it altogether and focus on pulling myself towards myself, I end up feeling a little less like me and little more like I have no idea what I’m doing. And, when I’m winging it, that’s when I feel most comfortable.
That’s not to say I don’t wake up every morning with a to do list and a plan of action. Hell knows, I’d be adrift and lost in the kaleidoscope of YouTube for 9 days solid if I didn’t have those. It’s funny how that happens, hey? You start off doing a simple Google search for “best prices on pencils” and, somehow, a million hours later, you’re sitting there dropping crumbs into your cleavage and watching a YouTube video on the African Giraffe’s journey towards crochet or something. So, yes, my to do list is a centrifugal force that keeps me from ending up “over there” in the great, wide Internet.
What I realised, when I looked back at my Month of Saying Yes this week, is that I actually like saying yes. Sure, I’ve felt a little bit more overwhelmed than I wanted to. Yes, I have done a couple of true blue freak out sessions and, well, I’ve got very little sleep. Very little. In fact, our entire family is starting to look a tiny bit like there’s a toddler in the house and they’ve just discovered that staying up all night is actually quite fun.
For someone whose default reaction is “no”, my Month of Saying Yes has been an extreme eyeopener. I’m suddenly doing things I didn’t think I would and that I really love; I’m not feeling as burdened by things and I think I finally found that little part of me I used to like so much but lost somewhere. I call her “Can-Do-Cath”. In my twenties, I remember someone I worked with being a little alarmed that, no matter what they threw at me, I’d get it done. I liked that bit of myself, and I feel like I lost her somewhere. But, Can-Do-Cath seems to have made a Can-Do-Comeback. I like her. I like her very much.
During that month of saying yes, I proved to myself, and myself alone, that I can run for fun and exercise. I proved that I can enjoy work I did not plan for, and even love it. I learnt that, by immersing myself in things I am not familiar with, I can get over a jarring sense of self-doubt that’s plagued me for way too long in my life. I taught myself that, sometimes, that ability to wing it is beautiful. Most of all, I proved to myself that I am not as afraid as I thought I was.
But, bearing in mind that I am exhausted and I really need a little timeout, I’m going to say No to everything this weekend. It’s all about balance, right? And that’s one thing I have to teach myself and have never really learnt – balance. I’m saying No to work this weekend (properly…none of this “oh I’ll just do an hour of this”) and I am saying No to anything but pyjamas and ice cream. Just for 48 hours. Can-Do-Cath will return on Monday morning, bright-eyed at 07h30.
Until then, Can-D0-Cath is taking a weekend. A real, live weekend that I can smush my face into, laugh through and love. Can-Do-Cath is going to try and prove to herself that she Can-Have-A-Weekend. See you on Monday, world.