SOTD – Whispered from your heart to mine – FTTW

quote:

Keep your eyes, faced forwards, we’ll make our way through the dark
Keep your feet, firm grounded, we’ll take each step as it comes

my current mantra in every respect of life.

My LOLCat for today

28 years. A letter to myself.

0 – born. you looked like a frog and kind of like your maternal grandmother in a bad mood.

1 – walking. according to reports, a real personality. keen on playing at early hours of morning. already found your niche and primeval swamp

2 – talking. alot. “you know why catherine is so heavy? because she is full of words!”

3 – preschool. you met karen, vaughn and a litany of people who would smack back into your life 25 years later with aplomb and full of memories.

4 – biting your nails already by this age. stubborn.

5 – began school. at this stage you looked remarkably alot like your daughter does now. on the first day of school, you left your mom at the classroom door and said “i can do it by myself”

6 – your best friends are karen, taryn and daine. at karen’s birthday party, there was the ‘interesting’ pool incident.

7 – you move to a small town with your family and start to hate and love life at the same time. you hate the small town. you love having a swimming pool, although you never get into it properly. this is the year you learn another language.

8 – you move back to the primeval swamp. you are so happy to be home.

9 – you’re at a new school. you meet some of the people who will be around forever. your clearest memory of this year is of the person who will one day become your child’s father standing in class queue, and losing your ring. and of charlene fainting. your best friend is tracy and she’s crazy then, and she’s crazy now.

10 – you begin to rebel and cut up your swimming costume in a fit of I DO NOT WANT TO BE THROWN INTO THE POOL AGAIN DURING SWIMMING LESSONS AT SCHOOL THANK YOU. I WILL LEARN IN MY OWN TIME. You hate a lot that year. You have an awesome teacher though. The cat pees on your homework. Someone you will meet again many years later, will remember this.

11 – you are sat next to your lifelong friend in class. stuff you don’t like starts to come out of the woodwork. You have a good teacher, a lovely heart and a new kitty familiar to get you through. You hate cold places. You teach yourself to swim.

12 – you’re elected prefect. Bart Simpson is king of the world and you have a hoodie to prove it. You have no idea why you’re elected prefect but, you meet someone extremely special and strong this year. She will be a guide and inspiration to you for many days, even on her wedding day. Your best friend is Charlene, and you start noticing boys, boobs and the word “bollocks”.

13 – you begin the dreaded high school. Your best friend is Jo. You do fight alot. You kiss a boy for the first time. Many years later, he is working with your best friend.

14 – you bring home your first ‘boyfriend’. You dump him before he realises how crap you are and dumps you, Jo walks home with you. You really think you are crap. You ditch the alice band. You get dumped on New Years Eve.

15 – you lose your virginity. You hate that statement. You meet Steve. Again. Waha. You start going out and loving the crazy life. You meet Sarah. You do crazy, silly things and enjoy “talking to aliens”. Steve breaks up with you but you’re never far from each other’s side. You meet Kate one night in a freezing cold swimming pool. You start to write.

16 – you’re loving life. You have awesome friends, you have an infatuation we can safely call bruce. (hindsight is so 20/20…), you begin to spend a lot of time with Jose. and Michael. and Matthew. You start to realise that people are different and don’t always respond well when thrown into a room together. One night during a horror movie, Steve catches you beginning to create the future. He is not shocked. You are a little. You try on a million personalities. You keep a few. You write and write and write.

17 – you feel a little lost but, certain to continue trying.  You meet the person who’s name is on his shirt. You lose interest way earlier than anyone else notices. You go to your matric dance, you hate every second. you realise very quickly that you’re there with the wrong person so, you and your partner in crime, Janet, smoke and laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone. Your sister leaves for the UK. You finish school and do well. You have no idea how. Jose dies. You miss your friend from that day on.

18 – you start varsity. deciding that path in life was one of the most exciting times of your life. it was that experience that taught you about your dad and how much he gives a shit. After ignoring him, actively, for many years, you start to rely on him more and more. You meet Graeme. You have a sweet relationship, a true college romance. You meet Garry and Stu. You do well at uni, and finish off first year quite drunk and somewhere in a swimming pool.

19 – You begin second year, a little more sure about life. You start to realise more and more about yourself, what you hate and what you want to keep. You spend more and more time with the people some people deem as ‘inferior’ or ‘rebellious’. You don’t care. You get a part-time job at the video store. You ditch Graeme, you remain close though. You do well, and by the time you finish that year, you’ve decided on a few things. You re-meet a nice boy and spend some time learning about how life truly isn’t about how much you can gain, but about how people matter way more.  You finish your degree and celebrate by stamping your dad’s toe by accident and smoking a cigar.

20 – you spend a lot of time at home with your dad. In hindsight, you love this time. You study, you work (the video store years!), you spend a lot of time having fun, you realise you’re in love with someone who’s loved you since his 7th birthday. The words “once upon a rooftop sat…” resonate alot around your life. Garry and Steve move to Ireland and thus begins the ’spleenvent’ email series. You get your first ‘real’ job and meet J&R, who become your other parents. You get chickenpox.

21 – You get your first ‘real’ job and meet J&R, who become your other parents. You get chickenpox. You ravish up unemployment with writing. You love sitting in your window writing. You muse and live and love. You get your second ‘real’ job. You get your heart broken. You meet Allan.

22 – You move out of home into the second 6 of your addresses. You love living with Allan. You love the wooden floors, you love the craziness. You attempt to cook chicken and instantly go vegetarian. You love the constant music, the mad neighbours (yes, thats you Neville!) You collapse and are medicated for depression. Your dad celebrates with you with chelsea buns. You quit your job. J&R find you a new one with them. Allan leaves. You move home and hate it. You’re obnoxious and unpleasant. And unsure of yourself. So so so unsure of yourself. You keep writing.

23 – you find a new home, the third six in your domestic addresses. You live with Tam. Life is good, crazy and excellent. You and her get lost a lot. You love life. You’re single. You’re not. You’re single. You’re not. Whatever. it doesn’t matter. Life’s great. You meet Mr K. Life is a great party. You meet Micky and Gabi and a lunacy of wonderful people. Some of them, in later years, turn out to not be wonderful. You lick a girl called Lauren’s face. You laugh. You have no idea how that’ll save your life one day. One night at the Winston, a beautiful blond girl says to you “Nice rack. We’re going to be the best of friends forever”. She is right. Garry comes home to visit and you invent the cigarette game. He decides to come home to the madness.

24 – you love life. You decide you want to be with the person you feel closest to. It’s strange and comfort and warm. You move homes and live with Garry and Galaxian. The GaMaCa R***job House, the first 12 in your domestic address history. You keep writing. You have wonderful people, you still worry about whether or not you’re doing the right thing. You begin to learn about your anger. Your dad has a stroke. You worry.you go to splashy and hate it. your brother gets married to the girl he loves above all.  You write alot.

25 – You have Vic in your life, cash crusaders ‘n’ all. On Christmas Eve, your sister says “i’ll bet you anything you’re pregnant” whilst she’s got you in a change room in a shopping mall, trying on the world’s ugliest pink skirt as an alleged “bridesmaid posssibile outfit”. You go home, you pee on a stick. Your sister “gets the camera”. You phone Garry. Your parents are over the moon. Your brother comes home for the first time in ages. Galaxian does not speak for two weeks. You freak out alot. You stop writing for a long time. Your sister gets married. By the time your parents get home from the wedding, your father is dying.

You spend a lot of time with him when you are pregnant. You can’t write. You have no idea what to do. You keep believing. Somehow. You move back to your third domestic address.

You give birth in an insanely fast way. You meet your daughter. You fall in love. Mother lion love. You want to protect at all costs. This never changes.

Your father dies two days after you fail to recognise him and three weeks after his first grandchild is born. You cannot write. You cannot cry. You just stare. You get left alone alot. It is not anyone’s fault.

26 – you are medicated for depression. You go numb. You start to write again. You write your way right back into life. You do it for you, You do it for her. You do it for her, again and again and again. Your child is electrocuted one day at school. She gets pneumonia. Your mother lion love grows and grows.  You force dangerous things out and lose the person you love the most because you have to, to survive.  you live alone, you try at love again and fail. You don’t know why. You try everything, your Mother lion love keeping you warm at night. You live alone with your little child. You worry. You never sleep. Your Mother lion love keeps you going. Your friends love you the way you need. You are okay. Your niece is born.

27 – you end up in hospital. garry saves your life YET again. you spend five days pondering the meaning of life, solidly, and without interruption. you meet someone. you battle. you finally let go. it’s so sad he cannot stay. your heart is broken so that it can finally work properly – without expectation. you write and write and you cannot stop at all. you are sad, and alone, but okay. you keep writing. lauren arrives at your house with yellow flowers. Your Mother Lion Love and your Friends keep you going. You miss your dad. The sixes and twelves surround you every day. You write like never before.

28 – you meet the first person to ever truly stop you on your best friend’s birthday. you doubt and doubt and doubt yourself, you spend a lot of time wondering. you smile alot. you’re still astounded by them even though you don’t tell them. you try to do something that is the safe option in life. You are so wrong. You are broken again. You learn about getting up. Your second niece is born. Your Mother Lion Love grows. Every single one of your high school friends has children. You keep writing. You live with someone so much like you it’s the comfort you wanted at home all along.

You are brave. You step straight into love. You don’t run anymore. You shout COWS alot. You are so happy. You are unashamedly silly and it’s the warmest room in your house of life.

Your courage is rewarded. You have a crazy life. Busy. Vibrant. Full of love.

You are so blessed.

Happy Birthday.

p.s. SOTD – Incomplete – a line from it: I have been running so sweaty my whole life, Urgent for a finish line,
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

oh, honey, you’re my favourite

okay so it’s 1am. the parlotones are playing whilst i type this out on sheena’s laptop

.and yes. its been a long long time since i slept.

i’m okay with this.

tonight, sheena and i got home (its been a fucker of a day all round, trust me on this one…i even have a corne zit to prove it… shurrup sheena) and lay on the lounge floor and let loose.

there was remote karaoke, yes.

there was silly djing attempts, yes.

there was romeo and juliet – dire straits.

there was doth i protest too much – alanis morissette.

there was soo life without symmetry – mea.

there was even belinda. yes, belinda.

no dudes, there were no dildos involved.

there were highly embarassing photos of me and that alice band from 15 years ago.

there was a lot of emo.

it was literally, cathartic. or, in the spirit of this place, shathartic.

thank you my friend. through shit and through smit, us.

and then moose arrived in all his glory.

i think its time i let you know, blog.. i have no clue which planet this person came from. all i know is that the more i think about it, its the same planet ive spent my life being accused of living on. and oh my god i love it there.

every day, i worry if my greatness would wane. but, this person, somehow, like none ever could even begin to try, just knows. and doesnt question. just accepts. and moreover, embraces.

all of it. the shitty parts and the good ones too…yes, even the morose, saddest parts of me i try so hard to hide from the world. the part that spirals me into teetering over the abyss. he’s not afraid to hold my hand, look over at it and say “meh, it’s overrated, look seefood”.

maybe i’ve just never had someone accept my paradigm, and the everything that goes with it? does this post make any sense? who knows… i’m only human after all.

dear blog, i think it’s time i told you, that i feel safe with this person. i am not used to feeling safe. the truth is, i always have, from day 1, day 1, of the random massive crazy ohmigodwillyoutwoshutup, as shakti called it, day. sheena, weirdly, can verify that, for having to deal with me online that day going “HOOOOOLY FUCK. HOOOOLY FUCK” (i said it alot that day)

he feeds me, he spoons me, he gets it. he. gets. it. and. i. think. i. get. him.

a lot of the time, i wish i could hold up a mirror to him and show him how utterly divine he is. but, i know, he’d do as i do, and check his hair first. ‘as you are, as i am’.

i have a lot of secrets. little things i don’t tell people in case it scares them. i’m not scared with him.

every precious moment with him just makes me want to dance.

and, after all, we’re here to dance.

good night blog.

2 SOTDS for a 20th.

Happy Friday everyone.

SOTD 1 is for Camcam. She was asleep in my arms while I was dancing around the lounge prior to sunrise today (insomnia, coupled with more work to do than you can count on all your digits, toes included, will make you do some crazy things, just to get some good times in. you can tell I haven’t slept, hey? oh well. i’m still smiling).

She says she was pretending to be asleep while I danced around with her. She looked so peaceful. My absolute angel nestled into me in her moo-cow pjs. All I ever want for her is a better world, a brighter sunshine and a million smiles.

SOTD – One – U2

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say…

One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don’t care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it’s…

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One…
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it’s all I got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can’t be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One…life

SOTD 2 just came on my iTunes. It made me think of someone i like to call my person and well, in the quagmire of today I’m still sitting here smiling. That’s gotta say something, right? It speaks fucking volumes to me, thanks.

SOTD – Here and Now – Del Amitri

Hey i’m with you, let me just get you a light
And if we’d thought to listen
We might have checked if the weather was right
And i don’t mind if you want to drive all day

Hey, it’s raining, i should have brought my coat
And sometimes i could sell my soul
Just to sit and watch you smoke
And i don’t mind if you want to break my heart

‘cos you can burn paper
You can turn a wheel
But you can’t change later
Here and now just how good we can feel

Hey, stop talking, think i can hear the sea
And did i tell you the sound of the surf
Makes strange things happen to me
And i don’t mind if you want to crash the car

‘cos you turn traitor
You can turn on your heels
But you can’t change lady
Here and now just how good we can feel

And hey don’t worry, so that black cat’s some kind of curse
‘cos if bad times are coming up ahead,
Just put us in reverse

I don’t want to waste time, thinking ’bout it here and now babe
Nothing else matters but what we’ve got here and now babe.

Happy Friday people. Yes, even you, the person sheena and i call “blog*nameremoved*”

Birthday Fairies

“Know what, Mom?”

“What, Camcam?”

“The birthday fairy came and left my presents at the bottom of my bed when i was sleeping!”

“Really my love? Thats wonderful!”

“Mommy, phone the birthday fairy! I have to say thank you!”

(Hells, manners that early in the  morning!!!)

Happy Birthday Nunu.

Dear Cameron. On Three.

You are three years old in less than twenty-four hours. Three.

I wish I could tell you how you have grown and how you have blessed me but, to begin to tally up what you’ve done and how you have done it, would be a list neverending.

In all that you do, in your life and your love, you do with grace. Even when you’re flashing your britney around the house and prancing around in your princess skirt.

You have strong beliefs. You’re stubborn. I like to think you get that from me. You’re forthright and not afraid to tell me how you feel. Your emotional honesty is the single most important thing you have taught me. And trust me, you’ve taught me more in three years than life has dragged me through in nearly twenty-eight.

You have learnt, but I tell you now, you’ve been the teacher all along.

You have believed in me on days and nights when I have not even known myself. When the world has been too big and loud for me and made me want to run away and hide.

This morning, all cuddled up in bed in your purple pyjamas (“Mama, we have the same pyjamas. Same Same”), you opened your eyes and your arms for a love. All for me.

“Mama, why do you kiss me so much?”

“Camcam, because I love you so much”

“Oh, okay. I’m going to kiss you so much now. Because I love you SOOO much”.

“I love you too Camcam”

“Mama, today I am going to be a spider”

“Okay, Camcam, and what is your name?”

“Mama, I am a superhero. I am spider Cameron”

Sometimes, when life gets too much for me, I bury my head in your curly locks, and inhale. There is so much peace in the chaos of your curls.

Mampa is your name for me. It’s the secret one, we don’t hear often. And when you say it, my heart trembles with pride.

Campai is our name for you. It’s the secret one, we don’t say often.

And when we say it, it means “congratulations”. It means “cheers”. It is symbolic of the ultimate present from the Universe that is you.

One day, when you grow up even more (heaven forbid), you’ll get it. You’ll get how it is to be a mom. How much I worry about the big wide world and how I want to protect you from every element of it. How letting go is the hardest part of being a mom. (and the books say it’s the adjusting to the lack of sleep. Waha. Not, hey).

My Cam-cam, you have made it easier. You are brave. So brave. Your resilience to life is without bound. You are more courageous than me, and you are just nearly three.

On the eve of your birthday, I won’t be sitting here thinking about how you know how to swim, or can count to twenty, or speak a million words all at once.

I’ll be sitting here thanking you for every second of your life, that has blessed me and your dad.

Yes, even that time you were so sick and vomited down my back at 3am. Yes, all of those times.

For all your joy and tears. For every time you say “I missed you Mommy”. For every time you say “I love you SOOO much”. For every time you take my hand, look up at me and say “Let’s go, mampa. I am not scared”.

For every night when you fall asleep with your finger firmly curled around my hair.

You are my superhero in princess skirt.

Thank you for choosing me to be your mama.

thank you, Matt, for this pic.

WAHA!

And on this Friday the 13th, I’d like to introduce you to…

NotKay The Momagement.

She of the “once endured ballet lessons, primary school and now meetings sans staplers with me”

I’m so fucking glad you started blogging.

Yes, YOU LOT, click that link NOW.

(NotKay, from one with eyes to die for, to another, smooch. big girl crush X)

Dear NotKay

Dear NotKay

Thank you for being so utterly supportive and insightful and moreover, for forgetting to take a photo of me.

twas FUCKING good to see you. You’re right, so right, I am the luckiest fucker on the planet. Please explain how?

X

twelve 12th thursday thoughts

1. deadlines, chaos and meetings. pass the stapler and my shoes, thanks

2. yes, haha, i know it’s the 12th.

3. i have just been rickrolled. I AM NOT HAPPY.

4. i have a good soundtrack. tis my saving grace.

5. thinking about pink jumping castles and yellow ‘n green donkeys.

6. waiting on my momma to come for coffee and remind me that hey, im a little more normal than i used to be.

7. crap i am getting old. life’s all about early nights and unplugging at the moment.

8. the ‘tapes’ are definitely swirling. megan will get that. i’m okay with it. heh.

9. paradigm, paradigm, paradigm. i like stretching mine.

10. roll on friday.

11. holy crapshit. it’s a week til your birthday. 7 days. Wow. this time, three years ago, I was doing my daily sojourn between home and the hospital and spent my time abusing my iBurst and googling things like “if i’m already at the hospital, should I just go to maternity and push?” and “what do i do if i’m not really ready for this?” and “are babies really that loud?” (turns out, you actually weren’t, and funny, i wasn’t at maternity and it took me a while to get there, and well, turns out, you’re never really ready for anything anyway . I kind of miss the calm and calamity of those days.

12. My jersey has a little hole in it. it was created this morning when I got my jersey stuck on the doorhandle. I am not a morning person. Even though Sheena will disagree with this