This is me, Rocking the Daisies

Name five things you would not leave for rocking the daisies without:

I got tagged by Exmi, and I’m doing it!

1. My cellphone. Although, in my experience at music festivals thus far, I would have that charming “phone dies and/or sucko reception” issue. So, wait, I’d turn my phone off and leave it at home. So the first thing I would take with me would be a sense of cellphonelessness. for me, this is a huge step. Trust me on this score.

2. My stripey hat. An essential. To keep sun out of eyes, and also makes me quite easy to spot in a crowd. Essential as I am very short.

3. Best mate Anne. Purely because I have this random memory of being up very early with her at a particular Splashy we don’t talk about it anymore, and watching as they emptied the toilets. Not a great thing to do with a hangover, mind, but, I’d like to relive the experience just once, and somehow banish the previous toilet watching experience from our minds.

4. On that note, toilet paper. You can never, ever go wrong with a roll of 2-ply. Perhaps take 2 rolls and sell one off, sheet by sheet, and make a lot of cash. Let it never be said that I am not entrepreneurial.

5. Baby wipes. Trust me, when one is rolling around having fun in the sun and the grass, and the daisies, you wanna be able to clean your hands.

Kudos to everyone involved!

I tag: Leez and  Lighterfluid

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this should scare me

this should scare me

but it doesn’t.

assumption is the mother of all fuckups

1. If you don’t like what you read, don’t read it.

2. If you assume something from what you read or it raises a question in your mind, then have the bloody balls to ask me directly. I am very tired of hearing what your unrounded and unfounded opinion is via a third or fourth party.

3. If you must judge, be very, very sure that you are free of being judged too. I doubt, very much, that any human being on the planet is entirely free of stuff they could be judged on. And dudes, trust me on this score, your slate ain’t clean…but I’m a bigger person to not rub your nose in it or involve anyone else.

4.  I am, and always have been, open to criticism. That said, when I want your opinion, I’ll ask you for it.

5. If you’re reading this and think it might be about you, you’re right. That’s the only assumption you have scored correctly on. Well done.

6. Don’t think for a bloody second that I don’t know. I do, and funny enough… I’m just the bigger person because I don’t give a shit.

7. I do not have a lesbian lover. Homey and I live together. Remember flatmate #1 Tammy? We weren’t lesbian lovers either. It is actually possible for two women to live together and not be scissoring (kudos to my significant other for teaching me that word) each other til sunrise. I’m sure you have noticed my significant other? Yes, him. Yes, right. well done. That’s an actual person, who actually exists and who thinks I am the bee’s fucking knees, and I of him. Enough said.

8. Neither, for that matter, are any of us on any of the following: alcohol binges, anything illegal or prescription drugs. I’m happy to verify this at any time with blood tests. You wouldn’t be the first person to demand such crap from me, and just like the last time, that wouldn’t be the first time I am vindicated. Are you truly prepared to have me laugh in your face?

Tra la la la. Chippers and Fuck off then. Have fun with your assumptions, I hope they keep you warm at night.

Oh, yes, one last thing…  I know, very well, who in life has my back and who does not. I don’t need nor desire your opinion or approval to live my life.

As someone quite dear to me once said “tell them all to bugger off”. So, bugger off, then.

happy weekend.

Seven Sins Survey

I have no interest in work this afternoon. So, you lucky fuckers, you get to be bored with a survey. Happy Friday!

WRATH
1. Who did you last get angry with?
Myself. For being too nice.

2. What is your weapon of choice?
I have a choice? Super. I am a firm believer in stray trucks and misplaced nuclear strikes, thanks.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
Only if they deserved it. And yes, when I have, they deserved it.

4. How about of the same sex?
Only if they deserved it. And yes, when I have, they deserved it.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Wow. I am sure there is a list. And i don’t really care about it.

6. What is your pet peeve?
Fwah. Stupidity, Inefficiency, Assholes, Unfounded Egos.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
Probably too easily.

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you’re supposed to do daily that you don’t?
Laundry. I have to in our house. Three girls, dudes, three girls.

2. What is the latest you’ve ever woken up?
Wah. 7pm. I did go to bed at 10am though.

4. What is the last lame excuse that you made?
Nothing can top my “cat peed on my homework” one. Although, in my defence, it was true.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Not.

6. When was the last time you got in a good workout?
Hi. Have you met my daughter? I get a couple every day, thanks.

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
Twice.

GLUTTONY

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Probably… Carpe Diem.

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?
Have you met me?

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you’ve had in one sitting/outing/event?
HAVE YOU MET ME? WHAHAHAHHAHAH. I have an interesting past.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
Yes. Really. I have. They lasted a week. I walked away when the woman enthused and said “you know, one day, if you work really hard, you’ll be as beautiful as Britney Spears”. I canned myself laughing and walked out.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
Not anymore.

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy?
Please pass me the S ‘n Vs and shut the fuck up

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought “lunch”?
WAHAHAHHAH. Oh lordy, I am sooo sending this to Matt. But, no, I have not.

LUST
1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):
Some. Some of them were not pretty. Some of them were.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)
Not as many as I have seen naked.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?
I’m short. It happens unintentionally.

4. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?
WAHAHA. Now you’re just making me nostalgic.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person?
My boyfriend has the most gorgeous hands in the whole world.

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Not.

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own?
None.

2. What’s your guilty pleasure store?
Bookstores. Woolies. and the space.

3. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Rich.

4. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
Probably for a little while. ….you know… until I have ENOUGH!

5. Have you ever stolen anything?
Yes

6. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
Fuck off. I have no idea. Alot.

PRIDE
1. What’s one thing you have done that you’re most proud of?
Raising my daughter every day.

2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
I like to think: Raising my daughter every day; Getting that goddamn degree; Not ending up in the unemployment queue and surviving thus far without killing anyone.

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Be a good mom. Be a happy girl. All these things are always works in progress and all about the journey, not the destination. So I am accomplishing it today, and I probably will tomorrow.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
I loathe competition. Generally because it whines when it loses.

5.Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
No.

6.Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
No.

7. What did you do today that you’re proud of?
I did not murder the idiot who bought me KFC as a present.

ENVY

1. What item or person would you most want to have for your own?
Person I would want for my own? I have no interest in owning people, thanks. And i’m quite happy with the ones that are with me anyhoo. Item? I do really want my 6110 to magically spring back into life tho.

2. Who would you want to go on “Trading Spaces” with?
No idea. hah.

3.If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
Pass, thanks.

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes.

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Smaller ass. Pointier nose. Seriously.

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Patience. I only have it for very select people and situations.

I’m Just Saying.

So, that rant… it ain’t over, folks. Part 2 of a rant that’s been building up within me for a while and this sunny afternoon, i let the vitriol roll…

1. You remember the years and eons we spent drawing up deadlines and colour coordinating them and getting them ratified and having them rubberstamped, licked by seals or whatever the fuck it is we needed to do? Yeah? You see the trashcan? That’s you putting them in there. Not me. So, quit whining and help out. Thanks thanks.

2. To the cashier at the Spar this morning. Kak. Stories. Did you die, reincarnate and are now only equipped with one working digit and a molested braincell? Is swiping my Super M’s over the ray-ray thing and having it go bleep thaaat fucking hard? It is? Oh right. Cool. Well, whilst you’re really busy doing that, and I’m really busy trying not to smack you right into a coma for being a fucking numbnut, how ’bout you remember that eggs.are.fragile. Chipper? Got it? Kiff. ‘Cause I ain’t paying for those that you chucked down the chutey-chute thing to get them into a packet, yo. Oh, and yes, your Snoop Doggy Dog-esque haircut? Yeah, the one with the braids. Dude. Braids.Are.For.Girls. Get over yourself, yo.

3. Yeah. You singing loudly… It does irk me. Alot. Yes, sure, your mama once said you “had a voice of an angel”. Reality check, oke. Your mama is a deaf mute. Chippers!

4. You don’t like my swearing? Oh, I apologise. Dost my foul mouth make your flaking ears bleed? Oh, it’s unnecessary. I’ll show you unnecessary, oke. I’ll show you how unnecessary my middle finger is. ^!^

5. Pardon? Sorry? You want me to move out your way because you’re trying to walk past me? Okay, dude who clearly is blind. That must suck being blind, I’m sorry. Oh, you’re not? Great. Because, if you’re not, then you’ll be able to see, quite clearly, that I’m standing here, holding approximately 65 kilograms of baggage, a three-year old and my 7AM sanity, just intact. So, no, oke, I ain’t moving over. There’s a whole fucking planet of sidewalk if you just hit a little lefty there. See it? Great. Fuck off, then.

6. So, you went to KFC. Whilst you were there, you completely forgot who the fuck I am and what I believe in and you clearly forgot about the great big KFC CRUELTY poster on my office wall. Right, Right. Okay, so when you CAME BACK and walked into my office bearing me “a thank you present” of dead slaughtered hormone-filled rounder, you thought you were doing a super thing? Right. Thanks. Clearly, you need that billboard or maybe you just need to take your loudly-masticating head out of that there Family Feast Bucket.

7. Nort. Your obnoxiously loud concert does not make me want to “join in the jol”. It makes me want to smack your head in with a brick… But, hey, if smacking your head in with a brick IS your idea of a “jol” then, hecks, I’m keen. Keeping my child up way past her bedtime with your incessant uumtiss uumtiss tikka tikka breyani vleis choons did not make me smile. Eskom, please, if a power cut was ever a good idea, last night woulda been a super time.. I’m just saying.

Happy Friday everyone. And remember, don’t let the idiots get you down

A and The Wolf

Written long ago for a friend who inspires me daily.

A and the Wolf.

“i am not afraid of you” she said

as he hissed and spat before her.

“you could eat me now, tear my flesh but, you’d still go home alone”.

he moved from foot to foot and glowered, moving nearer.

“it is me, you should fear, and not the winds of tonight.
for i am fearsome, larger than you.
I will and I can, rip you into two”

The wolf slobbered and licked his chops, sharpening his leer.
He thought he’d got lucky tonight, finding prey so dear.

She wept.

“It is not for you I shed this tear.
But for your kin at home, waiting near.
You have promised a healthy feast
But you, dumb wolf, are not the beast.
Your children will be saddened at home
For tonight there is no juicy bone”

She turned and walked, the wolf still near.
He wobbled left and sprinted off.

She continued on.
She continued strong.
She continued for so very long.

a true thursday random thought

life as art. art as life.

it still shocks me a little bit how very, very true-to-life the video and well, everything that goes with it, for everything is.

am.just.saying. resonate.

oh. one more thing.

something my father did, sticks with me daily.

especially when i write something that could be construed as controversial.

he would always point a book out to me, the title of which has always strengthened me.

so this is my middle-finger-in-text-format to people who may not like what i write, for whatever their reasons.

i write what i like – steve biko.

oh, and a comment from my friend and compadre superperson Glugster below:

“I read what I like” – Glugster

If people don’t like what you write, then they should not read it. God, I hate dumb people.