Dear Cameron. A letter.

Dear Cameron

Last year, at your Christmas play,  I was worried. You cried a lot and I blamed it on the big crowd being scary and suchlike. You had stage fright. It was okay, and we had a good time anyway.

My Cam, this morning as I watched you jump right out the door and onto the stage of a garden, I saw a glint in your eye that matched mine. You have grown so much, and so well, and you’re a happy girl. I realised, as you started to point your toes and curve your arms, that your happiness reflected mine. And that my happiness reflected yours.

You and I have always been a team. From the moment I found out about you in the pink bathroom at Eve Granny’s house, I knew we were a team. You stuck with me, and I will always stick with you. I knew from that second, that you were destiny.

And it scared the living shit out of me.

But, I was brave. You helped me to be brave. So when you came home and I slept on the floor next to your cot, paranoid to leave you for even a second, and you looked at me like I was ridiculous, with your two-day old eyes, your courage inspired me to get up and leave you to sleep.

I did. But only for about five minutes.

And when you got sick for the first time, and didn’t cry. Your bravery inspired me at three am to mop up the vomit and hold you even closer.

When you walked for the first time, and just didn’t give up trying even when you flopped down a million times, your determination kept me going.

On a random Thursday night, when you shouted “mama!” at me for the very first time, it kept me going every day.

It helped me to make the hardest choices, and kept me strong on the weakest days.

And today, today when I saw you dance out and wave your hello to me, unphased by the crowd of people before you, your courage and smile showed me that I have made the right ones.

Dear Cameron, I am the proudest mommy in the whole world. And you the star in my every night of sky.

Thank you. Thank you for being the child you are, and the wise soul that says “mom, that shirt does not match those pants”. Hehe.

Thank you for never being afraid to dance. And opening your arms up to the world to love.

It was you who showed me how to love, and you who keeps me loving.

It is you who teaches me to never give up, and never stop believing in angels.

Love,

Mama

I am the proudest mama and aunty ever.

Wordless Friday. The day of the school Christmas play.

Excuse me, I’m a total sap.

Happy Friday everyone.

=)

Make History

So, alot of you don’t really know what I do for a living. You know that I’m a ‘girl who works with computers’. You think that’s pretty cool and stuff. Hehe. I’m okay with that.

My official title does include the word “IT” and stuff, but there’s an element to it that many of you, I know, don’t always get.

Yes, I work for what is often termed “an AIDS organisation”.

When I started here, about six years ago, as a little Web Admin, I didn’t get it entirely. I knew HIV existed, I knew people got sick, I knew people died. I didn’t know how big it was. It was just numbers to me. I knew it was about sex.

All of you just screeched a little. Heh.

When I started here and told people, they would raise one eyebrow and ask “so like does that mean you have AIDS?”

No, dudes. I don’t have AIDS. Or HIV. Or TB. Or allergies. In fact, I probably only have a good dose of anaemia. Does that help?

It led to a lot of misconception. Like:

“OH MY GOD YOU WORK WITH AIDS PEOPLE! YOU’RE GOING TO GET SICK AND DIE!”

No, dudes, I don’t work with “AIDS People”. I, have in the past, hugged an HIV-positive child whose mum and dad were dead and wiped his snotty nose (No, I didn’t get HIV from him then either). I have, in the past, counselled people. I have, in the past, sat with someone on the phone and cried with them when they found out that their 3 year old daughter had been raped and they didn’t know what to do next. I have done these things and I will continue to do them for as long as they feel good for me to do in my heart.

There’s more to it than just “working with the AIDS people”, as it’s always been so eloquently put by someone. There’s the aspect that where I work focuses on making the network of organisations we have work together, help each other, help someone who needs help.

That’s where my heart lives. So, yes, that enables me to use what I can do (my IT skills and/or intuition, ’cause everyone knows about my fairy dust!) to do something that I want to do with my life – make a little difference in the world.

My parents always said they did things to help. It’s in my blood to want to help. So I can, and I do, as best I can.

Some days it’s hard. When you look at the magnitude of the problems we face, it’s easy to wuss out and say “bugger it, I’m just one person”.

Some days it’s easier. When you know that you have enabled someone to get help, empowered someone with a little knowledge, it’s easy to say “bugger it, we can do this if we do it together”.

So, that’s where I am. World AIDS Day is coming up and with that, The South African National  AIDS Council   (SANAC),  with  representation  from all sectors of government and civil society, together with NEDLAC, have agreed that at 12.00 noon on World AIDS Day, Monday December 1st,  the Deputy President will ask all people in South Africa to stop and observe and act on World AIDS day.

So, I’m asking you to do it. Stop working, stop talking, stop writing, stop doing what you usually do and think. Think for fifteen minutes about the fact that people are dying. Think about the fact that it’s not just people who are dying but, it could be you. Think about the fact that it could be your neighbour. Think about the fact that it could be your brother or your sister or your very best friend. People are sick. Some people who are sick don’t even know it. People are sick and dying and we’re doing nothing about it. People are sick and dying and one of them is probably you.

That’s all we’re asking. Fifteen minutes of silence to send love to those who have already left us, love to those who face this disease head on, and love to those who are not sure about all of it and are scared to find out.

Make History Happen, Just by Thinking.

You can read the full press release here

Wordless Wednesday

Sue bought this outfit for Cam.

She’s been wearing it non-stop since she unwrapped it.

According to Cameron,

the locket of the necklace  contains “super love”.

This picture sums up my reason for breathing.

NotKay

You. Rock. My. Funny. Vitriolic. Bone.

THANK YOU!

Post coming soon, I promise

In the meantime,

I’m

a

happy

girl.

What I’ve Learnt

1. That your passion must never outweigh your love. Even if you love doing something so much you cannot imagine living without it, don’t forget to come home. I learnt that the hard way, by proxy. Because once upon a time, I was the home. (this is not nostalgic, just fact).

2. That working at 3am can sometimes be good for the soul.

3. Doing it every day is not.

4. That just when you think you cannot, something within you will say “yes, I can”.

5. That there a lot of dumb actions out there, not dumb people. See, thing is, one person may be totally stupid in something you are not, but level that playing field and you’ll see, we all pretty much balance out.

6. There are, however, exceptions to that rule.

7. In life, you will meet the people you are supposed to meet. Whether you like it or not. Haha.

8. That there is a couple who live in my road who have a raging argument just about every night. Last time I was awake at this time and heard it, one of them threw a suitcase out of a window. This time, they are in the road 03h08 throwing linen at each other. I shit you not. Linen.

9. Police do not respond to domestic altercation calls. Neither do security companies.

10. The thing that pains me most of all is that they have a gorgeous boychild. And he witnesses all of this.

11. This is why I chose to be a single mom.

12. You are only ever as happy as you allow yourself to be.

13. Sometimes it’s harder to allow yourself to be happy than it is to make someone else happy.

14. Tall buildings might house huge egos but, there are just people within them, after all.

15. Forgiving someone is a lot easier than forgiving yourself.

16. You will probably do a fair amount of dumb shit in your life. As long as you learn from it, don’t hurt anyone, and don’t carry on doing it, you’ll be just fine.

17. Listening, rather than waiting for your turn to speak (thanks, Marla Singer) will mean you learn something real, rather than just something else about yourself.

18. There is not a lot in the world that can’t be fixed with a hug. The need for human physical interaction is more than you realise, and a lot more than you deny it to be.

19. You can choose to laugh or to cry. If you choose to cry though, you’re probably going to end up doing it alone.

20. There is a car broken down in my road right now. Two very drunk people are trying to push start it whilst the clearly designated driver slash long-suffering girlfriend attempts to steer it. It’s obvious that the pushers are quite boozed. Because they’re pushing it up a hill, not down it, to start it.

21. Sometimes it’s better to let people go ahead and do their dumb shit, than it is to try and help them.

22. Which is why I’m sitting here typing this and not helping push, and obviously direct them the right way around.

23. Your best friends are the ones who will make you laugh in a crisis. Specifically, at yourself.

24. Try not to take it the wrong way when they do it.

25. Because you’ll do it for them one day, and mean it in the same kind of “oh shit, I’m so relieved you’re alive/unscathed/not marrying into a family of gingers” (this is a private joke, sorry, and not intended to offend anyone)

26. The grass is only greener on the other side because there is more manure there. Remember that.

27. The simplest pleasure in the world is a ‘love’ from a child.

28. Children love unconditionally. Never, ever throw conditions on your love for them.

29. You are only what people think you are when you believe them. Don’t let someone else’s perception skew yours.

30. It’s entirely possible that you’re wrong though, but if you need to learn a lesson, you’ll learn it. The hard way or the easy way.

31. No-one’s going to make it easier for you other than you.

32. Aforementioned broken down car now has it’s hood open whilst two rather sloshed boys attempt to fix it.

33. This is one of those dumb things you will probably do in your life, regret it in the morning, laugh about it one day, and then nervously change the subject.

Good morning, world.

mixtape for person

The world spins in concentric circles

The world spins in concentric circles. Swirling and orbiting through time.

Sometimes it’s hard to hold on to your name, never mind yourself.

Sometimes it’s so close you can see the grain of sand nestled between your toes.

But the things that keep you going, through the rains, weird ass tornadoes and disappointment are your friends.

Andre, thank you for this

You, thank you for all.of.this.

And then, the daughter of my Gladys, wrote me a letter. I’ve had a few before but today, I needed it. Thank you, M******.

Dear Cathy

I am writing you this letter with no fancy punctuation marks because this is an honest letter.

You are an inspiration to me to do good to other people who are in need.

By the offering you’ve been giving us, you have created people who were nobody to be somebody, by the loaf of bread that you give my mom every day you have saved so many lives. Your clothes have protected us from the cold weather. The salary that you give my mom has paid for our school fees.

I’m very proud to tell you that because of you I am now working, and my sister is working.

Thank you for allowing my mom into your home and trusting her with your family. You have become a member of our family by all the good things you’re doing for us. We may not be able to show you how grateful you are, but I thank God for introducing you to our lives. Our lives have changed completely and you are the highest blessing from God. I may not pay everything back but I will make it my duty to help another person in need. I will pay it forward. May God Bless you and protect you and your family because in this world we live in, we really need people like you.

Love

M*****

My. Heart. How do I ever respond?

Make Christmas Matter

Now that I’m all grown up and shit, I loathe excessive present-giving, unless it’s for the kids. When it comes to Cameron, anything goes (as long as it’s pink and relatively unbreakable).

But, for me, I don’t want no Christmas presents and cute tops or baubles of breakage.

However, should you be so inclined, do be sure to do something different this Christmas.

Make Christmas Matter here