2008’s final fairytale.

I’m trying to keep believing in fairy tales, see? Not for me, I know far too well, for
myself, that they are just dusty chapters of dreams unwon. But, for my daughter, I
need to keep believing. And trust me, I try. I want her to dance with the prince, find a
pea in her bed and laugh with crabs under the sea. I want her to grow her mermaid
tail and then cut it off for love. And I want her to keep dreaming.

But, for me, well. Here’s my fairytale.

Cath: Hi, Universe. It’s me, Cath. I was wondering, when do I get the sparkly dress
and crown and get to lose my slipper only to have it found, returned, and squish my
foot back into it? And where’s the oke on the stallion?
Universe: Duuude. We’re a long way off from that. Duuude, let’s not get ahead of yourselves. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before we can even begin. Oh, and please, we’re against horse riding now, you’ll have to make do with this tricycle.
Cath: Okay, cool. I can do that. But, please, don’t spare the mouthwash supplies, and
can I get a tyre pump?
Universe: Okay. Deal.

Cath: Okay, Universe? I kissed the frog and he croaked off. What now? Do I get the
dress yet?
Universe: Hah. They taste like chicken, hey? No, babe. Listen. You gotta go sleep on
a bed with a pea in it first.
Cath: Alright. Point me to the matress and I’ll figure it out from there.
Universe: Er, in your fairytale there was no mattress the first time around but, hey,
let’s just be hypothetical.
Cath: I can deal with that. What size pea are we talking?
Universe: Oh darling, it’s never as big as you’d like it to be.

Cath: Right. Found the pea. Hand me the dress.
Universe: *chortle*. You’re joking, right? You’ve not lived under the sea yet and cut off
your tail for some womanly-named wanker.
Cath: Okay. I’m a crap swimmer but hey, let’s just grow me a tail, right? I’m sure I’ll
be fine once I get the tail.
Universe: Sure thing. That’s what they all say.

Cath: Super. Tail grown and disposed of. What’s next? Hey, when do I get the fairy
godmother?
Universe: You gotta scrub the hearth first, Cinderella wannabe. No worries, I have for
you a lovely scrubbing brush. Isn’t it every princess’ dream to get a domestic
implement for Christmas anyway?
Cath: So I’ve been told. Okay, let me find that apron.
Universe: This is too easy. Go right ahead. And don’t miss a spot.

Cath: Okay, the hearth is clean. Where’s my plump-faced fairy?
Universe: Well, you know. Fairy Godmothers get tired, whatwith all that wand-
wangling and flitting about making glass shoes. We sent her on a short holiday. So,
do us a favour will you?
Cath: Sure thing. What’s up?
Universe: Go and find your own dress, and slippers that make you feel like a princess.
Oh, and a tiara too. It seems we ran out of stock last year. You may need to make
your own.
Cath: No hassles. All that domestication over the hearth made me quite the creative
type.
Universe: Excellent. Knew we could trust you.

Cath: Right. Done. I kissed the frog, pumped my own tyres, slept on the pea, grew that rather uncomfortable tail, chopped it off, scrubbed the hearth, sewed the dress, found the shoes, pieced together the tiara with glitter and twine. So, I’m standing before you, dressed up and ready. Now, where’s my fucking fairytale?

Universe: Oh, you’re still reading?

Night folks. Happy new year.

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there’s some stuff i don’t want to talk about

1. hearing some very bad news about someone i consider a family member. every time i think about it, i feel more and more like an orphan. i’m not, but the thought of them not being around, pounding on my head when i need it, and holding my hand when i reach for it, just fucking scares me.

2. sheena’s car being nicked. this shit is just crap.

3. there’s some other stuff that’s leaving me feeling powerless.

4. wow, same feeling, different year. who woulda thunk it.

5. i will kill this funk. i will kill this funk. it will be gone.

6. this is not a game of who the fuck are you. heh.

7. it’s funny that when i say leave me alone, i really mean, please stay but don’t direct me.

8. i’m a Christmas grinch. it’s a lot of forced merriment that empties your bank account.

9. but when i look in your eyes, i see the world of wonder we all wish we still had.

10. so i don’t care about the empty bank account, or having to wear a silly hat.

11. could this year just get over itself?

12. granted, it’s been real. but, it’s been real enough, thanks.

just a thought

here

rounding up

Today’s my last day at the office.

I wish I had the words to round up this year. From manic to calm, to smiling through to grimace. But I don’t.

So, whilst I know shits-for-giggles, I’ll still be around. But, I’ll leave today with two quotes.

The first is from my Christmas card, that I received from Gladys:

Thank you for everything. May the spirit of Christmas harass you and the joy of the new year attack you.

Fuck, I love her. And not in the scissoring way.

And a quote from Juno, from her ertswhile Dad (because I really miss my dad, most of all, at this time of year):

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.

random note to someone i have never met

I don’t get this angry often. When you hurt someone I love though, I get this angry. Apologies. I need to vent it and move on.

Dear Mr *for the sake of my friend I won’t write your surname here*

You, dear sir, are a fat fucking cunt.

I hope you  fucking falls over your desk, trip on your teeny tiny penus and it falls off . When you pick it up, I hope you inadvertedly stab yourself in the eye.

And then, I hope your packed lunch from your mother falls off your desk and onto you. And then, that you cry because your without member and your precious cheese and ham sandwiches are now squished. Dang, and your loving mama had cut them into the little fucking triangles you love so much.

I believed in you once, for her. I hated you when you dissed her. I believed in you again when she asked me to. And now, of course, you have failed her. Go to hell.

In the words of the immortal fucktard, Bob… Straight Up, Fuck You.

Dons another hat and reads the Zeitgeist

So the Google Zeitgeist is out here

It interested me. Why? Well, er, it’s actually part of what I do for a living. It’s very telling. It gives an insight into what people feel at the core, sitting behind their screens and working, thinking, being.

The South African one interests me, obviously, most of all. I’m gonna give myself a gander through a few of the categories and mentions.

The Fastest Rising

It doesn’t surprise me, for example, that gumtree is a top search. it’s a simple advertising platform that really works like a massive classifieds archive.

Facebook? That’s a given. We saw FB, as we often call it, rise and rise in ‘07 and now in ‘08, that companies are banning it, and people are talking about it… Well, what did you expect? Facebook scored as the most popular search term.

Lotto. Heh. Anyone wanting to win it and or trying to find out where their money’s going. Nuff said.

Eskom. HAHHAHAHAHAHAAH.  Everybody knows we had some interesting, enforced lunch breaks in offices all over the country this year.

Top Newsworthy

Got me. totally.

A security company ranks 8th, just after Barack Obama and xenophobia. and just before the Zimbabwe Election. Scared, anyone?

So I read through it. And here we are, sitting behind our monitors, trying to stay in touch with our friends, and worrying about our future.

All of us so similar, yet, so urgently fighting against each other.

Reading the Zeitgeist made me feel a part of something again. And sad that we don’t always feel that way.

I mean, think about it, what do you search for on google?

Stuff that YOU want to know about.

Things that YOU’RE thinking about.

So, with that in mind… what do you think your Zeitgeist is for 2008?

What’s the thing that’s bugged you the most this year?

Made you think the most?

Worried you the most?

Made you smile the most?

Chances are, they are the same as mine.

look at us waging war…when we’re actually on the same side.

Everybody has their faults.
Every human has their fuckups, their lies -  both told and told to them.
Their dirty little secrets.
Their shit.
The stuff they keep hidden in hope of being loved.
Stuff they want to forget.
Things they’d rather not mention over dinner.
Sixteen reasons why they are scared of leaving the house every day  but will never tell anyone because they’re scared they’d look ridiculous.
Why they hate the word “beluga” and whether or not they think they did well enough at school and has that actually had a true effect on who they are now that they’re living an adult life.
Everyone has things in their life they’d rather delete, move on from or wishes they had never done.

The fact that they actually don’t like how their husband snores.
But they love him, so they forget about it.
That the person next to them in the office is annoying with her  gum-chewing but, give her a break, she just lost a parent.

Things they can’t forgive themselves for, and things for which they cannot forgive.
Maniacal ideas and brimming hats filled with fancifulness that they are too embarassed to tell anyone.
Things that guide them that they may never acknowledge.
Some people even pick their nose and eat it.
If you’re reading this, you’re probably one of them.

So, no, don’t say GROSS out loud and think I’m a nose-picker-eater now.
I’m not, by the way. My daughter, well, I’ve caught her doing that a few times. Heh.

The thing is. The thing I try to believe every day is that, yes, we all have our own shit.
Sometimes we have to share it. Sometimes we need to before we drown.
And, if we’re lucky, we’re helped to float.
Some things we never want to share.
Some stupid shit we did once when we were younger.
So yes, we all have our own shit.

But, the truth is, the one that I want to believe in and teach my daughter, is that even though we have all done dumb shit in our lives, that if we are living right today, living to the truth that we, for ourselves and noone else, believe in and thrive on, then we are doing okay.

Nobody’s perfect.

Every single person in the world has an assymetrical face.
Think about that. And even if they do, by some chance, then it’s not real. It’s there as a result of surgery.

For example, I hate how one of my eyes slant more than the other. It’s been that way all my life. But does that make my face ugly? Does it mean my eyes see better or worse? Does it mean that someone in the world does not find it beautiful?

No, it doesn’t.

My nose is skew. There’s an interesting dumb shit story in there about why. Does it mean I smell any better or worse?

No, it doesn’t.

I think my daughter watches too much television. I think I grew up watching too much television. I’d also like to ask anyone willing to fight me on that one and dare to say that she and I are (a) lazy) and (b) don’t read enough and (c) don’t like to read.

What are you gonna do? Call the parenting police on me? I don’t freaking think so, especially considering that, if you want to draw comparisons, you might find you actually think your kid plays a little too much console and is too obsessed with dinosaurs.

There’s some of my secrets. My shit. Not big ones, true, but I’m not here to tell you everything. Just as I don’t expect you ever to.

So when it comes to my heart. When it comes to who I am and how I love.
Just because I love in the way I do does not mean I do it wrong.
And if you think I do, then you’re probably just trying to enforce your way of thinking on mine.

So when it comes to the people I love. I don’t want to question their shit.
I don’t believe it’s fair. And I don’t believe it’s right.
If there’s an issue, cool, let’s deal with it and move on.
Berating someone for years about their dumb shit they did once, does nothing but hurt them and distance you.

I’m not sitting here going all hippy on your asses people. I’m not spouting “forgive and forget and let’s all have a happy joy joy dance around the bonfire” bullshit.

I’m saying. You have your shit too. Think about it before you hurt someone about theirs.

(Please note – I don’t include kiddy fiddlers, rapists, animal abusers, torturers, murderers and anyone who sees fit to take something from another being in a forceful or hurtful manner that does not involve giving something back in my definition of a human being).

Familials

So, I just want to say this. and say this once. To do so, I must quote Ozzy:

I love you all but you’re all fucking mad.

and finally.

Look, I know we’ve all seen it before but Wah, it  made me smile today.

here

this is not a game of who the fuck are you…