Dear Cameron, on our new home

Dear Cameron

I know you’re very resistant to change and that you absolutely abhor the idea of a new home but, the time has come for you and I to start afresh and anew.

In your fourth year, we move to a new, divine little home. It is soon, my love, and I know that you and I will make it the home we both have with each other already. Trust mommy on this one, you will love it. No more crazy stairs to climb, no more funny lifts. A little garden in which to put your pool and  lovely wooden floors for us to walk upon.

It is quiet so, we’ll have to shout STUPID out the window less at people who make noise and the kitchen has really good baking space. We have a new oven for baker baker and my sweet girl, I know we can and will be happy there.

Noone is sadder than me to say goodbye to a home where I made myself a home for the first time in my life, on my own. The spirits and memories abound as I type this and the kettle boils itself again. Don’t worry, the kettle’s coming too.

It’s closer to the shops and to a park where we can walk and play. You love that little park, every day that we drive by it.

It’s away from the memories I don’t want to have anymore. That I don’t need and that you don’t need at all.

Yes, there is a second bedroom for you to play and pimp out as you wish. My darling child, you’ll see.

it was not force that led me to this new home, but serendipity indeed. Just as every day, we are charmed by fate, so that continues just the same.

I love you and I cannot wait to begin a new day in our new home.

Love

Your Mama.

finally, for today.

this will be my last post for today. And possibly beyond then. who really knows.

the truth is that I miss you. That the weekend ahead, laid bare with opportunity and openings and a single running thought of being alne in it. That thought is all that truly consumes me.

As i said to Will, there is just a veneer of skirt and smile that, scratched a little, as it was today by a friend, reveals a messy, gluten-free and sugar-absent  bland beyond.

I am left wordless, again. Covering myself up with being busy with work, and forcing a smile towards the sunrise. it’s hard when I know you’re looking at it too.

There is  no spark here, because i never dreamed i would have to lay down my torch for you like this.

I miss your smell and your style
And your pure abiding way
Miss your approach to life
And your body in my bed
Miss your take on anything
And the music you would play
Miss cracking up and wrestling
Our debriefs at end of day

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
And I never dreamed I would
have to lay down my torch for
you like this

I miss your neck and your gait
And your sharing what you write
Miss you walking through the front door
Documentaries in your hand
Miss travelling our travelling

And your fun and charming friends
Miss our Big Sur getaways
And to watch you love my dogs

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
And I never dreamed I would
have to lay down my torch for
you like this

One step one prayer
I soldier on
Simulating moving on

I miss your warmth and the thought
Of us bringing up our kids
And the part of you that walks with
your stick-tied handkerchief

These are the things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
And I never dreamed I would
have to lay down my torch for
you like this

qotd

from a friend today. thank you, sweet friend, for our chat today. there you are, once again, trying to stop me from beating myself up. written in red italics, cause that’s how you roll:

rather wear your heart on your sleeve than not have a heart at all

Happy Birthday Mama

SOTD for you, today.

Heart of the House – anm

you are the original template
you are the original exemplary
how seen were you actually?
how revered were you (honestly) at the time?
why pleased with your low maintenance?
you loved us more then we could’ve loved you back
where was your ally, your partner in feminine crime?
oh mother who’s your buddy?
oh mother who’s got your back?
the heart of the house
the heart of the house
all hail the goddess!
you were “good ol!”
you were “count on her ’til four am”
you saw me run from the house
in the snow melodramatically
oh mother who’s your sister
oh mother who’s your friend?
the heart of the house
the heart of the house
all hail the goddess!
we left the men we went for a walk in the gatineaus
and talked like women like women to women would
woman to woman would “where did you get that from?
must’ve been your father, your dad”
I got it from you, I got it from you
do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways?
in my fits of laughter?
in my tinkerbell tendencies?
in my lack of colour coordination?

as for how i’m doing on the inside, truly.

i don’t have any words suitable or okay enough for this.

I’m left with someone else’s.

not as we – anm

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unconvincing
this faint and shaky hour

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
For now I’m faking it
‘Til I’m pseudo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as “I”
And not as “we”

Gun-shy and quivering
Timid without a hint
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
With not much making sense
Just yet I’m faking it
’til I’m pseudo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as “I”
And not as “we”

Eyes wet,
Toward wide open frayed
If God is taking bets,
I pray he wants to lose

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense
Just yet I’m faking it
‘Til I’m pseudo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as “I”
And not as “we”

i heart

i heart…

1. durban. small as it is. (and yes, Sheena, I mean that both ways)

2. berries of fruit. hand me the strawberries and shut the fuck up.

3. being hugged by a little kid in the middle of nowhere who says “you look like a pwincess”

4. breakfasts with yoghurt and banana.

5. coffee. it’s currently an essential.

6. my divine bosses. Both of them. How a girl like me ended up with not one, but TWO awesome and inspirational women to mentor her and help her, guide her and be her friend, i’m fucked if i know.

7. currently, this five disc 80s hot choonz

8. my divine friends.

9. my nieces, who i got to kiss this morning whilst one of them showed me their yoghurt.

10. being able to re-enact a very funny story about me and a trash receptacle to friends and have them laugh with me, not at me. (well, i like to think so)

11. you. even though you’re not talking to me.

12. my daughter. her finger tightly curled around my hair as I awoke this morning, clutching her little monkey I brought home for her (a stuffed one, not a real one, people) and she says “i missed you. let’s go back to sleep”

And here it is – my catharsis

Hello everyone

As is no secret, I have been dealing with a load of heartache this week. So, when a friend and awesome mama, Sam Wilson, told me to write it down, I did.

And, it’s been published, by Parent24.com, this morning.

here

xx
Cath

as will would say, woo woo.

My SOTD for today: here

If it weren’t for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren’t so wise beyond your years I would’ve been able to control myself
If it weren’t for my attention you wouldn’t have been successful and
If it weren’t for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don’t seem to mind
Ooh don’t go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We’ll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honoured your request for silence
And you’ve washed your hands clean of this

You’re essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You’re a kind of my protégé and one day you’ll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could get messy
But you don’t seem to mind
Ooh don’t go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We’ll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
I’ve more than honored your request for silence
And you’ve washed your hands clean of this

What part of our history’s reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
What with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don’t tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cause you’re such a pretty thing when you’re done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don’t seem to mind
Ooh don’t go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

i want you

to go here and click once to donate a bowl of food for rescued animals

moonsoc and not.

always the little difference between us. even symmetry has its curves.

i saw the crescent, you saw the whole of the moon….

I pictured a rainbow
You held in your hands
I had flashes
But you saw then plan
I wondered out in the world for years
While you just stayed in your room
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon!
The whole of the moon!

You were there at the turnstiles
With the wind at your heels
You stretched for the stars
And you know how it feels
To reach too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon!

I was grounded
While you filled the skies
I was dumbfounded by truths
You cut through lies
I saw the rain-dirty valley
You saw brigadoon
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon!

I spoke about wings
You just flew
I wondered, I guessed, and I tried
You just knew
I sighed
But you swooned
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole of the moon!
The whole of the moon!

With a torch in your pocket
And the wind at your heels
You climbed on the ladder
And you know how it feels
To reach too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon!
The whole of the moon!

Unicorns and cannonballs,
Palaces and piers,
Trumpets, towers, and tenemets,
Wide oceans full of tears,
Flag, rags, ferry boats,
Scimitars and scarves,
Every precious dream and vision
Underneath the stars

You climbed on the ladder
With the wind in your sails
You came like a comet
Blazing your trail
Too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole of the moon!