My thought for the day, week, year, of ever.

here

 

stuff i never mention.

/old post. never posted. may as well today as am slacking on the blog front. sorry/.

more than one year ago, i stayed up all night waiting for a fever to break. when i phoned and asked you to watch her, just for an hour, so that i could get some sleep before work, you told me you needed to be rested as you had a not-t0-be-missed social event.

more than two years ago, i held her, bleeding from the mouth in my arms, whilst you told me you had to leave to see a friend.

more than three years ago, as she left my body and entered the world, i told you i loved you. you looked at me like i had leprosy.

more than four years ago, you left me alone in the dark to wonder where you were, on the night i needed you the most. when i asked where you were, you told me it was none of my business.

more than five years ago, i realised that pleading had become my vernacular. you told me i whined too much, with big words used to cover up a life full of nothing.

more than six years ago, i was so proud and told someone. you hid me in the back garden.

more than seven years ago, i hurt for the loss of someone i hardly had time enough to know.  you told me to leave them alone and focus on you, for a change.

more than eight years ago, i celebrated the beginning of adulthood. you sat there and acted nonchalant. i introduced you to people, so proud. you left early without saying goodbye.

more than nine years ago, i left you to discover a world with someone else. you sat outside my new house and told me how i didn’t deserve it.

more than ten years ago, i finally got brave enough to stand up in front of people and speak my truth. you feigned interest to my face…and never arrived in the room.

and still i forgive you. i don’t forget, but i forgive you.

…12…

1. want: a blueberry and banana smoothie.

2. need: sleep

3. thankful for: you, and your ability to put up with my whining gracefully.

4. thinking: how is it that i can not just be sick for one day? one day. too much to ask for?

5. quote: chaos, panic and disorder. my work here is done. even though twas unintentional.

6. watching: the fish. really need to clean the fish tank. its not green, so thats a good change

7. lacking: inspiration.

8. listening: to the rubbish truck outside. whats with all the noise? do people really get that excited by the prospect of trash?

9. responding: don’t answer that.

10. planning: on apologising to my maid for the 5797767 piles of laundry that need sorting.

11. am: probably lazy.

12. not: going to apologise for that.

:( sad news

here

I’m thinking of you and your family my friend.

 

thank you to everyone who sent support messages. I have passed them on.

life, stuff and all that goes inbetween

Oops I did it again… :)

here

Dear Tertia

HAPPY MAX DAY!

Massive hugs and smooches. Well done Mama.

Love you lots lots. 

Just for you (thanks marc for the pic)

Have you seen this man?

Please see below from my schoolfriend Sam. I know this is pretty off topic for my blog but, this is her dad and he’s missing.

My father has been missing since Tuesday morning and we need as many people to be looking for him as we can.  Please circulate this to as many people in South Africa as you know.

Last seen at home (Woodhaven, Durban) at 9:30am on Tuesday 12th May 2009.

Wearing:
Light blue t-shirt with BEVCAN logo, Khakhi-coloured long-sleeved t-shirt over the top, blue overall trousers, black socks and blue Crocs. He also wears a silver Medic-Alert chain around his neck.

Driving:
1993 model, white Ford Lazer hatchback, registration number ND25673

Sightings:
Parked in the field at the end of Unit Avenue, near the quarry in Yellowwood Park, Durban (2 witnesses) at midday on Tuesday 12th May 2009

Possible sighting:
Silverton Road, Musgrave, Durban (unconfirmed – phoned into East Coast Radio)

His car was found in the field where he was seen at midday on Tuesday – it was heard returning at 1am on Wednesday morning 13 May 2009. The police canine unit did not find traces of him outside the vehicle, so wherever he dissappeared it was not at that location.

If anyone thinks that they may have seen him, please contact Captain Hlela on 082 725 1595

Many thanks

Samantha Stagg

one thing to say about this week..

WHAT. Ever.

I’m so sick of:

- people whining. you dont like your job? get another one.

- people whining. dont like where you live? get another one.

- people whining.  feeling unfairly done by? dont expect me to change it. do something about it. That said, when you have a legitimate bitch, and have done something about it and it’s still not working, then you have a right to complain and ask for help.

Sorry, but i had to kick my own ass too. Start kicking your own too. Stop waiting for me to do it. You wont like me when im angry.

On another note, all is well. Am just annoyed with people who whine and do nothing. The world ain’t doing you any favours, babies. It’s her Earth you walk on. Deal with it.

oh and about that other thing…

the truth is im livid.

so livid in fact, that this weekend i dug and ripped a tree out of my garden. 

by it’s roots.

but, it’s okay. i clearly needed to do it, and the tree was going to be re-homed anyway. 

i just didn’t think i had it in me. seriously. it worries me sometimes how much latent anger i really do have.  sometimes i wish i could express it without hurting anyone or anything else.  i know i have the right to be angry but, it serves noone for me to get angry. it wont serve me, or you, or anyone. 

but then…

anger is just  an extension of sadness.

so, i guess, im sad. 

sad for a million reasons. mostly because i should’ve taken the advice of someone many, many years ago when they said:

leave. now. don’t ever look back. screw the sentiment and close your heart now. 

“more than angry words I hate this silence. it’s getting so loud.”