Protected: pah

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

wake me up when september ends

Dear Sue

Counting down.

I cannot wait to see you.

All of my wonderful friends.

I cannot wait.

the two things i will say on this chat with a friend

they’ve been said this month already but they sum up this cycle of my life right  now.

i know a lot of people see this post and glance over it because it’s not original cath writing, but the truth is i want you to read every word and realise i can’t even write properly right now. all i can do right now  is resonate and attempt to make some sense of my mostly divine, definitely crazy, sometimes-sad-but-i-have-to-keep-smiling life.

orchid – anm

Me, and my helmet such an unconventional kid
All intense and kinetic, at best tolerated from afar
Not yet arrested, and by that I mean betrothed
though a start I am newly courted
I’ve just not been trusted with altars

I’m a sweet piece of work, well intentioned yet disturbed
wrongly labeled and underfed, treated like a rose as an orchid
My friends, as they weigh in, get understandably protective

They have a hard time being objective
So inside we cancel each other out

I’m a sweet piece of work, well intentioned and unloved
unlabeled and misunderstood, treated like a rose as an orchid

You’ve brought water to me, making sure my bloom rebounds
you know best of what my special care allows

So I’ve lived in my blind spot
thought myself usual when I’m not
and your garden is a nice spot
as long as it is brave and where you are

For this sweet piece of work, high maintenance and deserted
I’ve been different and deserving, treated like a rose as an orchid
Sweet piece of work, overwhelmed, unobserved
I’ve been bowed down to but so misread
treated like a rose as an orchid

Will and Grace, Episode 1, Scene XI

“Sweetie, remember in college, we saw that French film about a man and a woman that were perfect for one another, but they kept missing each other, and in the last scene, they meet on a plane, because that’s the way it was destined to be, remember? And you said, “That’s going to be me.” Gracie, you’re just in the middle of your movie. Danny was a plot point, a nice, decent, postcoital-high-5-ing plot point. There’s still time, you know. Go get some Raisinets”

SOTD – Break – ANM

This is just how I feel today. i know i need my holiday, badly. i know i need quiet and i need a hug.

i know i’m not alone in this.

it’s normal to feel this way.

there’s too much going on/not enough normalcy and quiet/not enough sleep/not enough me time/too much pressure to constantly be okay with this/at least i have  a special rant person i can rant to and have it be okay.

i need to shout. i need my annual stand-at-top-of-mountain-scream-cry-go-insane-just-for-a-bit-yell-stomp-my-foot-and-hit-stuff.

i know it will calm down again. i know i am a skip and a jump away from some time away. but, i need this, this thing.. i’ll enbolden it for you.

it’s just. right now. i need to shout. and i know i need a big, ugly, yelping cry. because i need to let this shit go. and i battle to let things go.

but i have no time to have one. no space to unbundle it. no place to put it.

break – anm

Indeed I
Have sucked it up to heights
Unknown to those outside

My body has contained and suppressed
And swallowed and abetted
Oh I am a stranger to myself
Beneath altruism dwells
A force uncontended
A voice that is tempered
To boiled and unhindered

Who am I kidding?
I am not some Mother Theresa
If I don’t say something soon
I will break from the weight of the high road I take
No

Indeed I need my chance to fail
Some room to unravel
I need a chance to blame for two minutes
Unbridled, unbrazened
So I need imaginings of maiming
Fantasies of outright screaming
I need a chance to thrash for minutes
Uncontained, unforgiving

Who am I kidding?
I am not some Mother Theresa
If I don’t do something soon
I will die from restraint
As a sick subjugate
No

I will move beyond, I’m certain of that
The sooner I go the quicker I’ll be back
I would not threaten or cause you any harm
Have to get this out or my light will go out

Who am I kidding?
I am not some Mother Theresa
If I don’t do something soon
I will die from restraint
As a sick subjugate

things you said to me while i was dreaming

last night, i was in the middle of an intense conversation with  a friend, in a dream. the weirdest part? she rang me at exactly 1am. just to say hi. it made my heart warm. it made me feel okay. i needed that.

it was a crazy, loud and noisy dream. we were out together (we have not done that in so many years now, and she lives overseas) and dancing, abusing the dj for songs we wanted, and laughing our heads off at our lives. we were talking so much, and it was good.

this intense conversation, i can only remember pieces of it from my dream so i thought i’d put them here.

1. i wish for you the stars

/i know you do/

2. i’m not here to talk about shoes. i’m here to talk about you.

/yep. but, let’s start with the shoes. truth is, she did say this to me once/

3. you know, you’d think with all the arseholes around, God would start making babies be born with a bogroll in their hand.

/the weirdest part about that one, is that it is something she would say/

4. i’m so happy things turned out the way they were meant to be.

/i have no idea what she was referring to now/

5. stripey socks make up for bland days.

/that can only be a reference to my stripey black and white knee-highs. a common favourite, since loaned to an alleged friend, and never returned/

6.  it’s funny that we’re mothers. people would never have guessed.

/it’s even funnier that it’s impossible for us to have had this conversation ever in the same room. online, perhaps, but never in person/

7. jealousy is merely a really ugly way of saying “i wish i were like you”.

/she’s right, you know. she usually is/

8. so much anger, cath…what are you going to do with it?

/i really, really don’t know/

9. we leave at seven. i don’t if there’s breakfast involved.

/that’s just random/

10. look, i found my purse and in it was the tickets from that festival, with a packet of nuts.

/the first day i met her was at a festival, and she was eating nuts. true story. it was at this moment in my dream that i woke up to my phone ringing and it was her/

You

You are an amazing mother. Better than I could ever hope to be.

You are an awesome friend. You’ve stuck by me, even in silence. You’ve been there.

You are a wonderful human. Able to see beyond yourself at every turn, and without wincing at a possible cost to yourself.

You are brave. You’ve been brave for me when I could not be. When I wanted to shut my eyes and ignore the horror in front of me, you saw it for me and guided me through. I cannot thank you enough, ever, for that.

Dear Cameron, On Love

“Mom, look, Ariel’s going to marry Prince Eric and he’s defeated Ursula the sea witch and now they’re going to live happily ever after”, Cameron said, eyes all-bright and beaming at the prospect of yet another animated fairytale coming to its conclusion of sweethearts and rainbows.

I’m stuck questioning myself in this myriad of fairytales. I have always said that I would raise Cameron honestly. Protected from the nastiness of underbelly of life, as best I could but, honestly nonetheless. So how do I tame this wild belief in fairytales and demon-slaying princes?

The truth is she’s far too young to be jaded by my cynicism. My heart breaks though, when I think of the future. Of teenage crushes and the emotional crushing that beckons beyond that. Of love notes passed under desks and then crumpled into the bin once the infatuation passes.

How do I temper this fairytale mind? I don’t live the fairytale life. True, we’re happy as our little family of Mama and Cam, prancing around and singing ABBA loudly, whilst pigging out on ice-cream with sprinkles.

But the thing that sticks in my throat, beyond Cameron’s DVD collection, is my own collection of love stories and soppy chick flicks. There’s a moment in Love Actually that sums up the extraordinary thing. What’s the extraordinary thing, I hear you ask? It’s that moment where that man of your dreams, or flavour of the week, does the extraordinary thing. In Love Actually, it’s when Keira Knightley is serenaded by flashcard by her husband’s best friend at her front door. In Bridget Jones, it’s when Mark Darcy rescues Bridget from an impending doom in a Thai jail.

That’s the extraordinary thing. Every great love story has it. It’s when the Prince searches the country, desperate for his glass-slipper mate.

But, to me, the thing is. The thing is, that being swept off your feet often means you lose your ground. Sure, I’ve had my fair share of extraordinary things happen in my life – I have been incredibly lucky and blessed in that department. But, real love? Enduring beyond the extraordinary thing? Can I really tell my daughter that it does exist?

The truth is that I can’t answer that question. To me, the extraordinary thing has to be lived and loved every day. That’s enduring love. That’s the love I see between a friend of mine and her husband. That’s the love I want for my daughter, one day, when I let her out of the house. The extraordinary thing should be every day.

Maybe I’m setting impossible standards for my child. I’d like to think I’m not but, life experience shows me that I might just be. I’d like to think I’m promoting an attitude of not compromising herself for anyone else. I’d like to think I want to set the bar so high, that her prince (or princess, I’m not fussy) is truly worthy of her immense and awe-inspiring love.

They better be. Or else I’m setting my stun-gun to “annihilate”.

you reminded me to keep trying

i know it seems random.

this is only part of the photo.

i was alot younger then.

many, many years ago.

but i gained good friends then.

i keep them still.

i am thankful for them.

specifically, right now,

for the clarity they offer up,

even in silence,

at a time when my heart feels a little like

the rainy day outside.

their friendship has led me to things i now thrive on.

their friendship reminded me to keep trying.

“you’ve simply brought this madness to light and i should thank you”

Will and Grace, Episode 1, Scene XI

This is my life…

SCENE XI: Will’s Office

(WILL is at his desk as GRACE enters.)

GRACE: Will, I am–I am so sorry for what I said back there.

[GRACE'S VEIL GETS CAUGHT IN THE DOOR, SNAPPING HER HEAD BACK. WILL UNCATCHES IT FOR HER.]

WILL: I know. It was mean, but… I know.

GRACE: This morning, on the way to the ceremony, Danny looked at me and said, “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you,” and I turned to him and said… “you know, the limo has a phone.” It wasn’t right. He was a smart, attractive man who loved me… And who I loved, by the way. Why wasn’t it right?

WILL: Sweetie, remember in college, we saw that French film about a man and a woman that were perfect for one another, but they kept missing each other, and in the last scene, they meet on a plane, because that’s the way it was destined to be, remember? And you said, “That’s going to be me.” Gracie, you’re just in the middle of your movie. Danny was a plot point, a nice, decent, postcoital-high-5-ing plot point. There’s still time, you know. Go get some Raisinets.

GRACE: I like Red Vines.

WILL: Whatever you want. The point is, it’s not over. If your movie’s going to have a happy ending, you just have to see it through. Come here.

GRACE: Uh-uh.

WILL: [KISSING HER FOREHEAD] Mwah! What do you say we go get a drink?

GRACE: Yes!

WILL: What is with that dress?

GRACE: Oh, give me a break. I had 5 minutes to prepare for this.

WILL: Still.

SCENE XI: Will’s Office

(WILL is at his desk as GRACE enters.)

GRACE: Will, I am–I am so sorry for what I said back there.

[GRACE'S VEIL GETS CAUGHT IN THE DOOR, SNAPPING HER HEAD BACK. WILL UNCATCHES IT FOR HER.]

WILL: I know. It was mean, but… I know.

GRACE: This morning, on the way to the ceremony, Danny looked at me and said, “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you,” and I turned to him and said… “you know, the limo has a phone.” It wasn’t right. He was a smart, attractive man who loved me… And who I loved, by the way. Why wasn’t it right?

WILL: Sweetie, remember in college, we saw that French film about a man and a woman that were perfect for one another, but they kept missing each other, and in the last scene, they meet on a plane, because that’s the way it was destined to be, remember? And you said, “That’s going to be me.” Gracie, you’re just in the middle of your movie. Danny was a plot point, a nice, decent, postcoital-high-5-ing plot point. There’s still time, you know. Go get some Raisinets.

GRACE: I like Red Vines.

WILL: Whatever you want. The point is, it’s not over. If your movie’s going to have a happy ending, you just have to see it through. Come here.

GRACE: Uh-uh.

WILL: [KISSING HER FOREHEAD] Mwah! What do you say we go get a drink?

GRACE: Yes!

WILL: What is with that dress?

GRACE: Oh, give me a break. I had 5 minutes to prepare for this.

WILL: Still.