Revenge and Cupcakes on an Aeroplane

It started with a phonecall. That I missed. Heh. Larcy was round for tea and tuck

that night, and I picked up my phone just as it went to voicemail. It was Angel.

I listened to the voicemail, disbelievingly looked at larcy and said:

You know how I was just saying I kinda wish Sheena’s birthday was here so that you

could actually, like, meet her? Well, Angel and Glugster want to fly me up for it!

Heh. What should I do?

My heart said:

Go.

Go, because it meant being able to be there for Sheena’s 25th. We all know my theory

on the 25th year. Oh, Sheena, I owe you a phonecall about that one…

Go, because, truth be told, I owe the bitch because of last year’s birthday, when she

engineered my surprise party and had me in fits of tears and insults towards my best

mates.

Go, because, Cath, you can.

So, under a thickly-spread veil of lard and bleak emails, I conned Sheena into

believing that I was very, very bleak about missing it. Over six weeks, talking every

day to the madam, and laying it on thick like never before, I did it.

I kept checking the calendar. I’d be lying if I said that Angel and I didn’t count

down via morning text message. We did. Most of them were something like:

OMG! THREE SLEEPS LEFT!!!!

Hehe. Fuck, i love my friends.

So, with Cam packed off to her dad for the weekend, Friday woke up and I left the

office by ten. Way too distracted to sit around and wait for the day to roll by, I

had my hair cut, went home and finished packing. When Will came round with the now

infamous ‘big ‘n gay’ suitcase, and my stuff only *just* fitted in it.. Hey, don’t

judge me… a girl needs options, you know. I can actually fit my entire self into

that suitcase. True story.

So, off we went to the airport, I checked in and settled down for a bit of lunch and

even more Sheena-ragging. Dude! I called you from the airport! ROTFL.

Soon enough, that little green plane had me touching down in good old Egoli, were I

was met by Angel and Glugster, carrying gorgeous flowers and an insane balloon.

Before I even go there. Before I even start on the events that transpired, of tears

shat and maniacal laughter…I want to tell you about Angel and Glugster.

You see, dear audience of twelve, Angel and Glugster found me via Sheena. And when

Angel started her regular ‘blog stalkings’ of me, and I of both her and

even-numbering-obsessed Gluggie, I started patching together the pieces of their

lives. I fell in love with their story. And most of all, I fell straight into

inspiration. Here was Angel, rocking single mama who had finally found the man who

loved her and her child without boundary. And here was Glugster. A true gentleman who

so absolutely loves his now wife-to-be and her son. A love story through the good old

blog. When my life hit a horrible rocky turn last year, Angel and Glugster stood by

me, in ways I cannot even elucidate. They loved me from afar and when I finally met

them, on my lounge floor, whilst playing with Cam, I was, truth be told, awed.

They’re both grinning and blushing whilst reading this, I am okay with this. Their

love knows no boundaries, and it extends to Cameron and I. When I said that good

things and good people have come to me via this little habit of mine, once regarded

as disdainful, i’m not shitting you. Cameron calls them “the angel without wings and

the man who loves her”. Angel and Neels, I just wanted to say thank you. Such little

words, but so heartfelt. Just, thank you. For you, every day, my heart says a prayer.

You know why.

So, they picked me up and we ferried off to an Italian restaurant where the waiter

knew very little (“what is this brandy stuff you speak of?”) and the food awesome.

“What is this no cocktail menu rule of yours? are you insane?”. Okay, I admit, the

bad waiter mojo is my fault.

And we laughed. Laughed so hard. Laughed so much. Hey, Angel, you didn’t show me your

cupcake! Waha.

And then, home. To sleep and be warm and be ready for the onslaught of Gold Reef

City. Warm and snug, I thought to myself, and of course, unable to tweet or say

anything, I thought.. “heh, i am lucky and heh, Sheena, dude, revenge is so sweet”.

Saturday opened up her eyes and the sun shone – good thing too, because I would’ve

frozen my youknowwhats off if it hadn’t.

I got to sit with Angel whilst she created the SheBee and 8unni cupcakes and truly,

Angel, if I let Cameron loose in your kitchen, I fear you will never recover. Hehe.

It’s a kitchen making heaven in a cupcake, right there, and oh boy, Cam will just

freak out in excitement.

And off we went, after doing a little network setup for the Knucklehead and his mate.

By the way, Knucklehead, you are so, so, so much like my very-missed friend, Dewald.

Truly. Thank you for your time and laughing with me, and for putting me on to some

pretty cool bands I’m going to get hold of. Now, where do i get that hairdye!?!)

Dropping the cupcakes off at Primi, and a quick smokebreak later, we arrived at Gold

Reef City. Hiding behind Neels all the way, and of course, showing off my bra to

Angel in the parking lot (Cath standard operating procedure, of course), we met Craig

and Sam in the queue. Thanks, you two, for getting us our tickets so we didn’t have

to slog the queue for half an hour.

Hugs all round, and we’re standing outside the Tower of Terror. I hid behind the wall

when Sheena emerged, still shaking from that shit-yourself of

who-the-fuck-would-even-want-to-do-that-ride.

Hugs all round again, and still she hadn’t seen me…

So, I pounced, hand over her mouth and I said

“Hey, tart, what’s sweeter than birthday cake?”

Which is when I yanked her head back and said

“Revenge!”

Angel says Sheena and I have our own language. True story, we do. insert hand

motions, a cup of tea and a “the chocolate is full of bath” phrase, and we do. But,

that language didn’t exist for ten minutes whilst we both shat tears and jumped

around.

Truth be told, a number of people not part of the gang and the gag must’ve thought

“are these two retarded or just still screaming from the tower of terror?”

To my endearingly termed fuckbitch and former Shath-mate, I got you. I got you so

well I live in fear of my 30th birthday. Heaven help me for how you’re going to repay

me for this one. You’re probably in evil planning stages now. I think I’m going into

hiding June through to July next year.

I got to meet so many people, round the lunch table at the world’s worst Mugg n Bean,

with the world’s worst waiter (see, told you I have that mojo) and Craig got to bitch

about his very teeny tiny garnish salad.

We moved off after eating, and I practiced my ball skills to try and get a pink shark

for Cam. Turns out my ball skills have nothing to do with the actual sport

equipment,if you get my drift. Heh.

My favourite part of Gold Reef City has to be the Kiddies section. Maybe it’s because

I’m a mama. Maybe it’s because I know Cam would love it there. Yes, my notsobabygirl,

you’re coming with next time, I promise.

With the help of our crew, Neels won Cam a stuffed dog. His name is Sheeba Bolt

Snickerdoodle, and he’s fast asleep now, paws wrapped up inside Cameron’s little

arms. Thank you, my friends.

Another table, another group of people and I started to feel like this was

fast-becoming one of my top five weekends of life. True story, I think it has. We

laughed and talked and joked ’til the sun started to set.

And, then, off to Primi for dinner, drinks and debauchery. That said, noone danced on

the table (chairs don’t count, girls ) and Sheena managed to get through the night

without having one of the girls pop out, hah.

I met so many wonderful people. Funny. Hilarious, in fact. I knew that already from

our twitter karaoke and banter. What I didn’t expect was how much you’d all feel so

much like home to me.

On that note, though, yes, dudes, I really am this short. I know I come across as

much taller, I get that alot, but, yes, I really am this short. Yes, jokes do fly

over my head (that was a new one) and yes, I really do shop in the kiddie

sectionsometimes.

In no particular order (and if i forget anyone, please forgive me now, I’m writing

this a few days later and i left my notebook at the office!) :

Jon – I’m getting to you just now. From meeting you in my driveway on a Sunday

afternoon to your now well-honed ability to put up with all that is Sheena, your

smile says it all.

8unni – from one single mama to another, keep rocking it, chick.

Flea – wahaha. Dude, I’ve licked your face. You can stay

Richard – fuckoffsideways, you really are that tall.

Rebecca – you owe me one rescue tactic. You know why. Heh. Good to meet you.

Garsen – you are exactly who I expected you to be. Garrulous, divine and hilarious.

You owe me a dinner, cooked by you. I’ll await your call

Bergen – two things – never steal a lady’s chair and get on your knees, boy.

Sam – if there was one person I wish I could have had more quiet time with, it was

you. For so many reasons. Now, sing it with me: “she wants to ….”. wah. Poor you,

Bergen, poor you.

Gareth – where can I get me one of these electric cigarettes, please? I think it may

be the answer I have been hunting for!

Craig – my friend Craig. You with your warm hug and iPhone addiction. Heh. And your

honest approach to life. Who would’ve thought we’d have so many people in our mingled

past already.

Philip – you, so quiet. I expected you to be taller! Kidding, I had to get someone

back for it! You have such a clever eye. Kudos.

I know I’ve forgotten people. Dammit. Just know this, please, you made a birthday

surprise girl, feel like she was at home in her pjs, comfortable and on her own

couch. Thank you.

When the night drew to a close, the actually-quite-jacked waiter (yay! we broke the

pattern!) brought round the bill and we all said goodbye, I started texting Jon

(Sheena, stop abusing your phone’s battery!). Heaven only knows what I said but, man

I hope it was good. heh.

Sleep, and a sunrise, I got up, made us all the Cath-breakfast, and got to sun for a

little while with someone i have been dying to meet – the now-blog-in-hiatus Sweets.

Chick, it was damn fine to meet you. And even more awesome to know that you’re doing

well. You so deserve it, hon. So much so.

ExMi and the BF joined us, without the Kid, deemed my future son-in-law, who was

pretty ill. Poor babe. I hope he’s doing better, mommy-van-driving tartface

Shortly afterwards, after she finished faffing around, like usual, and was most

probably gently shunted out the door by Jon, Sheena came round too.

And what did I get? Yes, folks, an awesome T-Vaal T-shirt tan. My nose is now

peeling. Help?

Far too soon, it was airport time. Far too soon for me. I sat in departures, waiting

to board, crying my head off. I didn’t think I would be. I knew it would be a

whirlwind trip. I didn’t expect it to be a heart-wrenching to leave as it was.

And wing back I did. To home, to Cameron, who ate all her Angel-made cupcakes in

three minutes flat and then asked if I could fly back and get some more for her

(heehee)! To Cameron, who loved her Sheeba Bolt Snickerdoodle doggie and tried, very

hard, to insert the entire worlds-largest-lollipop into her mouth. She’s still

working on it.

And on Sunday night, I was tired. A weird tired for me. It wasn’t from working, or

monitor-tanning til 1am. It was a strange tired. I was tired from having a good time.

From relaxing. From laughing so much I know I grew a few more laughter lines.

And, in bed, snuggled up with my precious daughter, I smiled to myself.

Thank you for a wonderful, insane, hilarious weekend. I remember, now, who I am.

Photo

Photos courtesy of AngelsMind

Formatting intentionally insane.

It started with a phonecall. That I missed. Heh. Larcy was round for tea and tuck that night, and I picked up my phone just as it went to voicemail. It was Angel.

I listened to the voicemail, disbelievingly looked at Larcy and said:

You know how I was just saying I kinda wish Sheena’s birthday was here so that you could actually, like, meet her? Well, Angel and Glugster want to fly me up for it!

Heh. What should I do?

My heart said:

Go.

Go, because it meant being able to be there for Sheena’s 25th. We all know my theory on the 25th year. Oh, Sheena, I owe you a phonecall about that one…

Go, because, truth be told, I owe the bitch because of last year’s birthday, when she engineered my surprise party and had me in fits of tears and insults towards my best mates.

Go, because, Cath, you can.

So, under a thickly-spread veil of lard and bleak emails, I conned Sheena into

believing that I was very, very bleak about missing it. Over six weeks, talking every day to the madam, and laying it on thick like never before, I did it.

I kept checking the calendar. I’d be lying if I said that Angel and I didn’t count

down via morning text message. We did. Most of them were something like:

OMG! THREE SLEEPS LEFT!!!!

Hehe. Fuck, i love my friends.

So, with Cam packed off to her dad for the weekend, Friday woke up and I left the office by ten. Way too distracted to sit around and wait for the day to roll by, I had my hair cut, went home and finished packing. When Will came round with the now infamous ‘big ‘n gay’ suitcase, and my stuff only *just* fitted in it.. Hey, don’t judge me… a girl needs options, you know. I can actually fit my entire self into that suitcase. True story.

So, off we went to the airport, I checked in and settled down for a bit of lunch and even more Sheena-ragging. Dude! I called you from the airport! ROTFL.

Soon enough, that little green plane had me touching down in good old Egoli, were I was met by Angel and Glugster, carrying gorgeous flowers and an insane balloon.

Before I even go there. Before I even start on the events that transpired, of tears shat and maniacal laughter…I want to tell you about Angel and Glugster.

You see, dear audience of twelve, Angel and Glugster found me via Sheena. And when Angel started her regular ‘blog stalkings’ of me, and I of both her and even-numbering-obsessed Gluggie, I started patching together the pieces of their lives. I fell in love with their story. And most of all, I fell straight into inspiration. Here was Angel, rocking single mama who had finally found the man who loved her and her child without boundary. And here was Glugster. A true gentleman who so absolutely loves his now wife-to-be and her son. A love story through the good old blog. When my life hit a horrible rocky turn last year, Angel and Glugster stood by me, in ways I cannot even elucidate. They loved me from afar and when I finally met them, on my lounge floor, whilst playing with Cam, I was, truth be told, awed.

They’re both grinning and blushing whilst reading this, I am okay with this. Their love knows no boundaries, and it extends to Cameron and I. When I said that good things and good people have come to me via this little habit of mine, once regarded with disdain by some, i’m not shitting you. Cameron calls them “the angel without wings and the man who loves her”. Angel and Neels, I just wanted to say thank you. Such little words, but so heartfelt. Just, thank you. For you, every day, my heart says a prayer. You know why.

So, they picked me up and we ferried off to an Italian restaurant where the waiter knew very little (“what is this brandy stuff you speak of?“) and the food was awesome. “What is this no cocktail menu rule of yours? are you insane?”. Okay, I admit, the bad waiter mojo is my fault.

And we laughed. Laughed so hard. Laughed so much. Hey, Angel, you didn’t show me your cupcake! Waha.

And then, home. To sleep and be warm and be ready for the onslaught of Gold Reef City. Warm and snug, I thought to myself, and of course, unable to tweet or say anything, I thought.. “heh, i am lucky and heh, Sheena, dude, revenge is so sweet”.

Saturday opened up her eyes and the sun shone – good thing too, because I would’ve frozen my youknowwhats off if it hadn’t.

I got to sit with Angel whilst she created the SheBee and 8unni cupcakes and truly, Angel, if I let Cameron loose in your kitchen, I fear you will never recover. Hehe.  It’s a kitchen making heaven in a cupcake, right there, and oh boy, Cam will just freak out in excitement.

And off we went, after doing a little network setup for the Knucklehead and his mate. By the way, Knucklehead, you are so, so, so much like my very-missed friend, Dewald. Truly. Thank you for your time and laughing with me, and for putting me on to some pretty cool bands I’m going to get hold of. Now, where do i get that hairdye!?!)

Dropping the cupcakes off at Primi, and a quick smokebreak later, we arrived at Gold Reef City. Hiding behind Neels all the way, and of course, showing off my bra to Angel in the parking lot (Cath standard operating procedure, of course), we met Craig and Sam in the queue. Thanks, you two, for getting us our tickets so we didn’t have to slog the queue for half an hour.

Hugs all round, and we’re standing outside the Tower of Terror. I hid behind the wall when Sheena emerged, still shaking from that shit-yourself of

who-the-fuck-would-even-want-to-do-that-ride.

Hugs all round again, and still she hadn’t seen me…

So, I pounced, hand over her mouth and I said

Hey, tart, what’s sweeter than birthday cake?

Which is when I yanked her head back and said

Revenge!

Angel says Sheena and I have our own language. True story, we do. insert hand motions, a cup of tea and a “the chocolate is full of bath” phrase, and we do. But, that language didn’t exist for ten minutes whilst we both shat tears and jumped around.

Truth be told, a number of people not part of the gang and the gag must’ve thought…

“are these two retarded or just still screaming from the tower of terror?”

To my endearingly termed fuckbitch and former Shath-mate, I got you. I got you so well I live in fear of my 30th birthday. Heaven help me for how you’re going to repay me for this one. You’re probably in evil planning stages now. I think I’m going into hiding June through to July next year.

I got to meet so many people, round the lunch table at the world’s worst Mugg ‘n Bean, with the world’s worst waiter (see, told you I have that mojo) and Craig got the world’s teeniest tiniest garnish salad.

We moved off after eating, and I practiced my ball skills to try and get a pink shark for Cam. Turns out my ball skills have nothing to do with the actual sport equipment,if you get my drift. Heh.

My favourite part of Gold Reef City has to be theKiddies section. Maybe it’s because I’m a mama. Maybe it’s because I know Cam would love it there. Yes, my notsobabygirl, you’re coming with next time, I promise.

With the help of our crew, Neels won Cam a stuffed dog. His name is Sheeba Bolt Snickerdoodle, and he’s fast asleep now, paws wrapped up inside Cameron’s little arms. Thank you, my friends.

Another table, another group of people and I started to feel like this was

fast-becoming one of my top five weekends of life. True story, I think it has. We laughed and talked and joked ’til the sun started to set.

And, then, off to Primi for dinner, drinks and debauchery. That said, noone danced on the table (chairs don’t count, girls ) and Sheena managed to get through the night without having one of the girls pop out, hah.

I met so many wonderful people. Funny. Hilarious, in fact. I knew that already from our twitter karaoke and banter. What I didn’t expect was how much you’d all feel so much like home to me.

On that note, though, yes, dudes, I really am this short. I know I come across as much taller, I get that alot, but, yes, I really am this short. Yes, jokes do fly over my head (that was a new one) and yes, I really do shop in the kiddie section sometimes.

In no particular order (and if i forget anyone, please forgive me now, I’m writing this a few days later and i left my notebook at the office!) :

Jon – From meeting you in my driveway on a Sunday afternoon to your now well-honed ability to put up with all that is Sheena, your smile says it all. /on that note, check the shitsmit on Sheena’s face here. wah/

8unni – from one single mama to another, keep rocking it, chick.

Flea – wahaha. Dude, I’ve licked your face. You can stay

Richard – fuckoffsideways, you really are that tall.

Rebecca – you owe me one rescue tactic. You know why. Heh. Good to meet

you.

Garsen – you are exactly who I expected you to be. Garrulous, divine and hilarious. You owe me a dinner, cooked by you. I’ll await your call

Bergen – two things – never steal a lady’s chair and get on your knees, boy.

Sam – if there was one person I wish I could have had more quiet time with, it was you. For so many reasons. Now, sing it with me: “she wants to ….”. wah.

Gareth – where can I get me one of these electric cigarettes, please? I think it may be the answer I have been hunting for!

Craig – my friend Craig. You with your warm hug and iPhone addiction. Heh. And your honest approach to life. Who would’ve thought we’d have so many people in our mingled past already.

Philip – you, so quiet. I expected you to be taller! Kidding, I had to get someone back for it! You have such a clever eye. Kudos.

I know I’ve forgotten people. Dammit. Just know this, please, you made a birthday surprise girl, feel like she was at home in her pjs, comfortable and on her own couch. Thank you.

When the night drew to a close, the actually-quite-jacked waiter (yay! we broke the pattern!) brought round the bill and we all said goodbye, I started texting Jon (Sheena, stop abusing your phone’s battery!). Heaven only knows what I said but, man I hope it was good. heh.

Sleep, and a sunrise, I got up, made us all the Cath-breakfast, and got to sun for a little while with someone i have been dying to meet – the now-blog-in-hiatus Sweets. Chick, it was damn fine to meet you. And even more awesome to know that you’re doing well. You so deserve it, hon. So much so.

ExMi and the BF joined us, without the Kid, deemed my future son-in-law, who was pretty ill. Poor babe. I hope he’s doing better, mommy-van-driving tartface

Shortly afterwards, after she finished faffing around, like usual, and was most

probably gently shunted out the door by Jon, Sheena came round too.

And what did I get? Aside from the splendour of giggling with good friends and poking Sheena’s hungover head… Yes, folks, an awesome T-Vaal T-shirt tan. My nose is now peeling. Help?

Far too soon, it was airport time. Far too soon for me. I sat in departures, waiting to board, crying my head off.

I didn’t think I would be. I knew it would be a whirlwind trip. I didn’t expect it to be a heart-wrenching to leave as it was.

And wing back I did. To home, to Cameron, who ate all her Angel-made cupcakes in three minutes flat and then asked if I could fly back and get some more for her (heehee)! To Cameron, who loved her Sheeba Bolt Snickerdoodle doggie and tried, very hard, to insert the entire worlds-largest-lollipop into her mouth. She’s still working on it.

And on Sunday night, I was tired. A weird tired for me. It wasn’t from working, or monitor-tanning til 1am, like usual. It was a strange tired. I was tired from having a good time. From relaxing. From laughing so much I know I grew a few more laughter lines.

And, in bed, snuggled up with my precious daughter, I smiled to myself.

Thank you for a wonderful, insane, hilarious weekend.

SOTD for today

Because it’s Will’s birthday, today’s SOTD is here

Megan

all i can say. without sounding too cheesy or emo or plain dumb is…

I can moonwalk!

and I know you’ll get that. And everything that goes into it, behind it and with it.

thank you my friend. This still has me gulping.

Dear Cameron, On Turning Four

Mommy remembers turning four. I had hair like you, shoes like you and way less flair. I was obsessed with dresses, and dots, and didn’t like having my hair cut. My hair looked like yours, just darker, and my favourite person to be like, was my sister.

Cameron, this has been your bravest year. For things that I have not spoken about publicly, and some that I have. For your courage in the face of whatever life throws you. And your stubbornness that, genetically inherited, gets you through.

For every love and for your every compassion. For every time you say to me, “mommy, it’s okay”.

I love you more than the whole wide world. Thank you, Camcam, for four amazing years. I love you.

Mommy remembers turning four. I had hair like you, shoes like you and way less flair. I was obsessed with dresses, and dots, and didn’t like having my hair cut. My hair looked like yours, just darker, and my favourite person to be like, was my sister. How much of me I see in you, how proud you make me. You are my greatest moment, and my brightest light.

Cameron, this has been your bravest year. For things that I have not spoken about publicly, and some that I have. For your courage in the face of whatever life throws us. And your stubbornness that, genetically inherited, gets you through.

For every love and for your every compassion. For every time you say to me, “mommy, it’s okay”. And you love another kid who tripped and fell.

I love you more than the whole wide world. Thank you, Camcam, for four amazing years. I love you.  When I look at how much you have grown, how much you have loved, and how many ways you surprise me every day…I am awed. Thank you.

Happy Birthday Mama

SOTD for you, today.

Heart of the House – anm

you are the original template
you are the original exemplary
how seen were you actually?
how revered were you (honestly) at the time?
why pleased with your low maintenance?
you loved us more then we could’ve loved you back
where was your ally, your partner in feminine crime?
oh mother who’s your buddy?
oh mother who’s got your back?
the heart of the house
the heart of the house
all hail the goddess!
you were “good ol!”
you were “count on her ’til four am”
you saw me run from the house
in the snow melodramatically
oh mother who’s your sister
oh mother who’s your friend?
the heart of the house
the heart of the house
all hail the goddess!
we left the men we went for a walk in the gatineaus
and talked like women like women to women would
woman to woman would “where did you get that from?
must’ve been your father, your dad”
I got it from you, I got it from you
do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways?
in my fits of laughter?
in my tinkerbell tendencies?
in my lack of colour coordination?

last week, she said.

Last week, was insanely hectic. But I’m here now, in another insane week, so I thought I’d let you in on all of it…in picture. Yes, turn your head to the side. We like you doing that when you’re monitor tanning. Read the tags if you’re into details.

later, darlings.

Happy Birthday to a Legned

To the girl…

Who says things like “if this doesn’t happen, I’m gonna shit pooh”

Says LOL proudly.

Is known for being devious with good intentions (circa june of this year)

Is known for the courage to admit to being scared, and is not afraid of being afraid

Is accustomed to being walked in on in the bathroom now

Deals with my OCD and then laughs at her own

Thinks men are jerk offs when a friend needs to be reminded of MAC

Is more like family to me than I can tell you

And has been with me, on the best days and the worst days.

Happy Birthday to a Legned (yes, spelling intentional!), SheBee.

Love you lots.
X

A happy birthday to a hombre

Happy Birthday to the Momagement!

An inspirational force in a world gone mad.

Thank you for dancing, staplers and so much more. X

Happy Birthday Mr Mandela

I know so many people have done this already but, happy birthday you true superhuman.

Sending you muchos love and respect.

28 years. A letter to myself.

0 – born. you looked like a frog and kind of like your maternal grandmother in a bad mood.

1 – walking. according to reports, a real personality. keen on playing at early hours of morning. already found your niche and primeval swamp

2 – talking. alot. “you know why catherine is so heavy? because she is full of words!”

3 – preschool. you met karen, vaughn and a litany of people who would smack back into your life 25 years later with aplomb and full of memories.

4 – biting your nails already by this age. stubborn.

5 – began school. at this stage you looked remarkably alot like your daughter does now. on the first day of school, you left your mom at the classroom door and said “i can do it by myself”

6 – your best friends are karen, taryn and daine. at karen’s birthday party, there was the ‘interesting’ pool incident.

7 – you move to a small town with your family and start to hate and love life at the same time. you hate the small town. you love having a swimming pool, although you never get into it properly. this is the year you learn another language.

8 – you move back to the primeval swamp. you are so happy to be home.

9 – you’re at a new school. you meet some of the people who will be around forever. your clearest memory of this year is of the person who will one day become your child’s father standing in class queue, and losing your ring. and of charlene fainting. your best friend is tracy and she’s crazy then, and she’s crazy now.

10 – you begin to rebel and cut up your swimming costume in a fit of I DO NOT WANT TO BE THROWN INTO THE POOL AGAIN DURING SWIMMING LESSONS AT SCHOOL THANK YOU. I WILL LEARN IN MY OWN TIME. You hate a lot that year. You have an awesome teacher though. The cat pees on your homework. Someone you will meet again many years later, will remember this.

11 – you are sat next to your lifelong friend in class. stuff you don’t like starts to come out of the woodwork. You have a good teacher, a lovely heart and a new kitty familiar to get you through. You hate cold places. You teach yourself to swim.

12 – you’re elected prefect. Bart Simpson is king of the world and you have a hoodie to prove it. You have no idea why you’re elected prefect but, you meet someone extremely special and strong this year. She will be a guide and inspiration to you for many days, even on her wedding day. Your best friend is Charlene, and you start noticing boys, boobs and the word “bollocks”.

13 – you begin the dreaded high school. Your best friend is Jo. You do fight alot. You kiss a boy for the first time. Many years later, he is working with your best friend.

14 – you bring home your first ‘boyfriend’. You dump him before he realises how crap you are and dumps you, Jo walks home with you. You really think you are crap. You ditch the alice band. You get dumped on New Years Eve.

15 – you lose your virginity. You hate that statement. You meet Steve. Again. Waha. You start going out and loving the crazy life. You meet Sarah. You do crazy, silly things and enjoy “talking to aliens”. Steve breaks up with you but you’re never far from each other’s side. You meet Kate one night in a freezing cold swimming pool. You start to write.

16 – you’re loving life. You have awesome friends, you have an infatuation we can safely call bruce. (hindsight is so 20/20…), you begin to spend a lot of time with Jose. and Michael. and Matthew. You start to realise that people are different and don’t always respond well when thrown into a room together. One night during a horror movie, Steve catches you beginning to create the future. He is not shocked. You are a little. You try on a million personalities. You keep a few. You write and write and write.

17 – you feel a little lost but, certain to continue trying.  You meet the person who’s name is on his shirt. You lose interest way earlier than anyone else notices. You go to your matric dance, you hate every second. you realise very quickly that you’re there with the wrong person so, you and your partner in crime, Janet, smoke and laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone. Your sister leaves for the UK. You finish school and do well. You have no idea how. Jose dies. You miss your friend from that day on.

18 – you start varsity. deciding that path in life was one of the most exciting times of your life. it was that experience that taught you about your dad and how much he gives a shit. After ignoring him, actively, for many years, you start to rely on him more and more. You meet Graeme. You have a sweet relationship, a true college romance. You meet Garry and Stu. You do well at uni, and finish off first year quite drunk and somewhere in a swimming pool.

19 – You begin second year, a little more sure about life. You start to realise more and more about yourself, what you hate and what you want to keep. You spend more and more time with the people some people deem as ‘inferior’ or ‘rebellious’. You don’t care. You get a part-time job at the video store. You ditch Graeme, you remain close though. You do well, and by the time you finish that year, you’ve decided on a few things. You re-meet a nice boy and spend some time learning about how life truly isn’t about how much you can gain, but about how people matter way more.  You finish your degree and celebrate by stamping your dad’s toe by accident and smoking a cigar.

20 – you spend a lot of time at home with your dad. In hindsight, you love this time. You study, you work (the video store years!), you spend a lot of time having fun, you realise you’re in love with someone who’s loved you since his 7th birthday. The words “once upon a rooftop sat…” resonate alot around your life. Garry and Steve move to Ireland and thus begins the ’spleenvent’ email series. You get your first ‘real’ job and meet J&R, who become your other parents. You get chickenpox.

21 – You get your first ‘real’ job and meet J&R, who become your other parents. You get chickenpox. You ravish up unemployment with writing. You love sitting in your window writing. You muse and live and love. You get your second ‘real’ job. You get your heart broken. You meet Allan.

22 – You move out of home into the second 6 of your addresses. You love living with Allan. You love the wooden floors, you love the craziness. You attempt to cook chicken and instantly go vegetarian. You love the constant music, the mad neighbours (yes, thats you Neville!) You collapse and are medicated for depression. Your dad celebrates with you with chelsea buns. You quit your job. J&R find you a new one with them. Allan leaves. You move home and hate it. You’re obnoxious and unpleasant. And unsure of yourself. So so so unsure of yourself. You keep writing.

23 – you find a new home, the third six in your domestic addresses. You live with Tam. Life is good, crazy and excellent. You and her get lost a lot. You love life. You’re single. You’re not. You’re single. You’re not. Whatever. it doesn’t matter. Life’s great. You meet Mr K. Life is a great party. You meet Micky and Gabi and a lunacy of wonderful people. Some of them, in later years, turn out to not be wonderful. You lick a girl called Lauren’s face. You laugh. You have no idea how that’ll save your life one day. One night at the Winston, a beautiful blond girl says to you “Nice rack. We’re going to be the best of friends forever”. She is right. Garry comes home to visit and you invent the cigarette game. He decides to come home to the madness.

24 – you love life. You decide you want to be with the person you feel closest to. It’s strange and comfort and warm. You move homes and live with Garry and Galaxian. The GaMaCa R***job House, the first 12 in your domestic address history. You keep writing. You have wonderful people, you still worry about whether or not you’re doing the right thing. You begin to learn about your anger. Your dad has a stroke. You worry.you go to splashy and hate it. your brother gets married to the girl he loves above all.  You write alot.

25 – You have Vic in your life, cash crusaders ‘n’ all. On Christmas Eve, your sister says “i’ll bet you anything you’re pregnant” whilst she’s got you in a change room in a shopping mall, trying on the world’s ugliest pink skirt as an alleged “bridesmaid posssibile outfit”. You go home, you pee on a stick. Your sister “gets the camera”. You phone Garry. Your parents are over the moon. Your brother comes home for the first time in ages. Galaxian does not speak for two weeks. You freak out alot. You stop writing for a long time. Your sister gets married. By the time your parents get home from the wedding, your father is dying.

You spend a lot of time with him when you are pregnant. You can’t write. You have no idea what to do. You keep believing. Somehow. You move back to your third domestic address.

You give birth in an insanely fast way. You meet your daughter. You fall in love. Mother lion love. You want to protect at all costs. This never changes.

Your father dies two days after you fail to recognise him and three weeks after his first grandchild is born. You cannot write. You cannot cry. You just stare. You get left alone alot. It is not anyone’s fault.

26 – you are medicated for depression. You go numb. You start to write again. You write your way right back into life. You do it for you, You do it for her. You do it for her, again and again and again. Your child is electrocuted one day at school. She gets pneumonia. Your mother lion love grows and grows.  You force dangerous things out and lose the person you love the most because you have to, to survive.  you live alone, you try at love again and fail. You don’t know why. You try everything, your Mother lion love keeping you warm at night. You live alone with your little child. You worry. You never sleep. Your Mother lion love keeps you going. Your friends love you the way you need. You are okay. Your niece is born.

27 – you end up in hospital. garry saves your life YET again. you spend five days pondering the meaning of life, solidly, and without interruption. you meet someone. you battle. you finally let go. it’s so sad he cannot stay. your heart is broken so that it can finally work properly – without expectation. you write and write and you cannot stop at all. you are sad, and alone, but okay. you keep writing. lauren arrives at your house with yellow flowers. Your Mother Lion Love and your Friends keep you going. You miss your dad. The sixes and twelves surround you every day. You write like never before.

28 – you meet the first person to ever truly stop you on your best friend’s birthday. you doubt and doubt and doubt yourself, you spend a lot of time wondering. you smile alot. you’re still astounded by them even though you don’t tell them. you try to do something that is the safe option in life. You are so wrong. You are broken again. You learn about getting up. Your second niece is born. Your Mother Lion Love grows. Every single one of your high school friends has children. You keep writing. You live with someone so much like you it’s the comfort you wanted at home all along.

You are brave. You step straight into love. You don’t run anymore. You shout COWS alot. You are so happy. You are unashamedly silly and it’s the warmest room in your house of life.

Your courage is rewarded. You have a crazy life. Busy. Vibrant. Full of love.

You are so blessed.

Happy Birthday.

p.s. SOTD – Incomplete – a line from it: I have been running so sweaty my whole life, Urgent for a finish line,
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete