Apryl

I still don’t know how you happened upon me, but I’m very very glad to know you.

Apryl is here

Strength

This post is dedicated to a friend.

I wish you strength and peace. Always. The strength you have in bounds, and the peace you deserve.

I love you and you are in my heart.

Remember your army is always with you. And not afraid.

xxx

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won – Ghandi.

SOTD for a friend.

For a friend.

If my arms were long enough to reach you, I would.

But, alas I am sitting here on this couch, and thinking of you.

My SOTD today is for you.

Both Sides Now – Joni Mitchell

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i’ve looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions i recall.
I really don’t know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i’ve looked at love that way.
But now it’s just another show. you leave ‘em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know, don’t give yourself away.

I’ve looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions i recall.
I really don’t know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say “i love you” right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i’ve looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I’ve changed.
Something’s lost but something’s gained in living every day.

I’ve looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions i recall.
I really don’t know life at all.

change is better than a holiday.

How strange that on a morning where I woke up and thought “I can’t do this today”…

The Universe said “Oh, yes, you can honey…and I’ll show you…”

(this post has shite punctuation, grammar and possibly spelling errors. i am okay with this, today).

on friday i encountered the person i would consider the most secure, on every level and in every aspect, in a very insecure state of mind.

change does that. it whacks us. whether its good or bad or fun or not. if its good change, we swim and think FUUUCK this is WOOONDERFUL and then cant understand why we get a little weirded out post-change because we dont believe we deserve to be as happy or as lucky we perceive ourselves to be.

(two years of therapy and a lifechanging friend later, i started to learn about how i am only ever as happy as i believe i deserve to be).

sometimes change isn’t fun, and it isn’t good, and we fucking loathe the tumultousness it chucks at us but, after the fact, we look back and smile and see it is indeed good.

i never thought id see this person so broken and scared by change. and trust me, he has been through some changes.

wobbles aren’t just normal. they’re necessary. i believe in this person. this person who has, in my opinion, done it right from day one, and it reminded me how human we all really are when i looked in his face and saw it – fear.

and trust me, i’ve looked at that face many a time and never seen fear. not even on his worst days.

i am so thankful that he allowed me to be there for him and for not being afraid to make the call and let me know he needed a kick in the pants and a hand to hold. it’s what we do, right?

moreover, im thankful to he of whom i am quite fond, for just going with it, and making it possible…and for putting up with being mauled at by a bunch of crazy people who think he’s hot (yes, i know he’s hot, now fuck off, he’s mine). thank you sweetheart.

this weekend reminded me of human-ness, of the quiet, of the changes and the sailing. of the peace and the pure, even in the face of scary things. it reminded me that good does over-rule evil. eventually. you just have to wait a while. sometimes you won’t even know about it.

this morning i came to work and a very sweet, dear friend sent me flowers to say thank you to me for being there. (not the same friend as mentioned above… it’s me that sends him flowers and not the other way around whahahha). i never expected a thank you for just being me.

then i had a catch up conversation with an important friend of mine. a person who changed my life and without whom i do not believe i would be who i am or where i am. he told me today that, unbeknown to me, and i quote “i guarantee i’ve learnt more from you in our short time of knowing each other, than i ever have from anyone, ever”.

then on saturday, i was snoozing and thinking in my head about nothing in particular, and i was very safe in my sleep. i had arms around me that were warm and comfortable and not even vaguely insistent on anything but for me to continue being me. i have not slept next to anyone as well as i do with you. ever.

I feel very honoured and safe today.

I am a very blessed girl, with a very safe heart.

I am strong, and peaceful and loved.

I need nothing more.

I blame you mostly, and I am okay with this.

A and The Wolf

Written long ago for a friend who inspires me daily.

A and the Wolf.

“i am not afraid of you” she said

as he hissed and spat before her.

“you could eat me now, tear my flesh but, you’d still go home alone”.

he moved from foot to foot and glowered, moving nearer.

“it is me, you should fear, and not the winds of tonight.
for i am fearsome, larger than you.
I will and I can, rip you into two”

The wolf slobbered and licked his chops, sharpening his leer.
He thought he’d got lucky tonight, finding prey so dear.

She wept.

“It is not for you I shed this tear.
But for your kin at home, waiting near.
You have promised a healthy feast
But you, dumb wolf, are not the beast.
Your children will be saddened at home
For tonight there is no juicy bone”

She turned and walked, the wolf still near.
He wobbled left and sprinted off.

She continued on.
She continued strong.
She continued for so very long.

yep. yeah. yep.

so, yes, things are happening in a good and liberating way except for a few blips. aside from them, life is grand.

today, though, I am pretty sad. Today I have to begin to say goodbye to a good friend, who is really a family member to me. This is her last week with us and I am really, really sad to see her go. Whatever the circumstances (and i don’t believe, on ANY level, that they are fair circumstances…but that’s my opinion), it doesn’t erase the fact that I will, again, have to face the leaving of someone from my daughter’s life. someone she loves, someone she trusts, someone she knows she can believe in.

we will miss you so much my friend.

totsiens vir janet.

ek sal onthou om te haal asem en ek dink aan jy elke dag. dankie vir alles wat jy vir my en cam gewees and gedoen het. ek het geen woorde vir hoeveel jy vir ons bedoel. maar, ek dink jy weet dit alreeds.

ons sal jy lekker…vermis.

Ek wens jy elke ster en storie wat goed is, en geen rondvokkery. bly warm en hou daai glimlag. X

WAHA!

And on this Friday the 13th, I’d like to introduce you to…

NotKay The Momagement.

She of the “once endured ballet lessons, primary school and now meetings sans staplers with me”

I’m so fucking glad you started blogging.

Yes, YOU LOT, click that link NOW.

(NotKay, from one with eyes to die for, to another, smooch. big girl crush X)

Dear NotKay

Dear NotKay

Thank you for being so utterly supportive and insightful and moreover, for forgetting to take a photo of me.

twas FUCKING good to see you. You’re right, so right, I am the luckiest fucker on the planet. Please explain how?

X

A Little Hump Day Hope

these are not times for the weak at heart.

How weird and cyclically all these people are connected to me and to each other, in ways they probably don’t know about.

Hope 1.

For a friend I hold dear

For his mum

For things to work out the way that is deemed best

And for her to get her rest.

Hope 2.

For a babe so beautiful and cute

I can’t wait to hold you tight and look in your big eyes

Hope 3.

That you’re okay

In your long warm sunny days

That are no longer near at all

But way more free than ever before

Hope 4.

For a friend, a little sad today. I’m sorry my friend. Be a little brave, and kick your heels a little. Just like you’ve reminded me to do before. You were brave and fearless in the face of a great uncertainty. I applaud you.

For you, today’s SOTD.

Torch – anm

I miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way
Miss your approach to life and your body in my bed
Miss your take on anything and the music you would play
Miss cracking up and wrestling and our debriefs at end of day

These are things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

I miss your neck and your gait and your sharing what you write
Miss you walking through the front door documentaries in your hand
Miss traveling our traveling and your fun and charming friends
Miss our big sur getaways
And to watch you love my dogs

These are things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

One step one prayer I soldier on, simulating moving on

I miss your warmth and the thought of us bringing up our kids
And the part of you that walks with your stick-tied handkerchief

These are things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

These are things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this

Hello H.

Well done on finding me.

Now, procure coffee (send Ian, go on…) and sit back and catch up.

I have missed you.

xxx

Cath