inexplicably linked but entirely untangled

and on a random note…I don’t often, in fact, ever, I think, talk about friends lost. tonight i am going to.

do you think that, sometimes, people are just inexplicably linked?

i have a friend. it’s a friend i lost.

the strangest part of losing each other’s friendship is that it was the right thing to happen, for both our lives.

but, last night, i heard this cover version of a song for the first time, and whilst the content of it is seriously romantic, the connotations we both hold for it don’t linger there at all. they linger on some good memories of me in my orange boots and us laughing at each other’s lives. of me moon-walking out of a club one night, after meeting each other again after many years. We’d known each other since very little and once, once this now-gone-friend had saved my little girl soul from crucifying embarassment. I’ll never forget that.

the end came down to…my friend willing my life to change, and me being unwilling to change it at that time. Me willing their life to change, and them being unwilling to change it at that time.

The madness was brought to light, and things changed. We lost each other’s friendship in a mish-mash of aeroplane trips, trans-atlantic instant messages that went wrong, 2am phonecalls we didn’t make anymore and not acting on some pretty strange signs we both saw.

When this song came on last night… I knew. I knew that the time had come to acknowledge the madness, acknowledge that it’s over, honour the time we had and keep moving on. That this friendship is indeed over, and that the fact that we don’t miss each other, says more about just how mad it all really was.

When this song came on, I knew something was up. Something had gone wrong in their lives. The Universe doesn’t send up a flare of this magnitude without good reason.

So, I stopped what I was doing this morning for a second, summoned up all my courage, and typed a short email to this now-gone-friend.

They responded. I had been right. At the exact time that I had heard this song, they, on the other end of the world, in their well-chosen and destined life, had been what we’d have called, mockingly to each other, “having a drama”.

I guess the Universe wanted me to check in. To get over my own self, and just check in.

So I did. And I’m glad I did. We don’t miss each other, we don’t feel any great desire to chat again. We don’t feel the need to continue beyond this email send/receive session. We are okay with the past and that it should stay there. We stunted each other, and have grown beyond our greatest trees of dreams since letting go.

Tonight, though, I am thankful for the time we did have together, for the friendship we did have, and I am thankful that we let it go. Moreover, I am thankful that we were able to check in on each other, without agenda, and without hope of going beyond this little exchange.

So, here’s that song.

Tonight I dedicate to my now-gone-friend. To a dusty, hot freeway and driving so very far for no reason. To a bird that poohed on my head. To coming home from work today to find an anonymous package on my doorstep and knowing that it was going to be okay. To a good little pig in a box that once arrived in my life. A present for Cam, she rode that little pig bike thingum for ages. Now she has grown much too tall for it. I look at that pig and I think, whilst the pig may be of little use now, it’s still a good pig. Heh. I don’t even know if you’re reading this my now-gone-friend. You probably are. Thank you for the time we had together. It’s still a good pig.

This line for you:

“and I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real”

Adieu.

Dear Prudence

This has rung through my head all weekend. Whilst Cam and I went to the movies, jumped around under the sunshine, ran around the garden, rearranged our house  and laughed with friends divine.

The truth is, something that weighed upon my heart. Something that worried me for myself. I realised in the midst of work insanity and the constant undertone I always feed myself of not being good enough…

That I am good enough. That I am capable. That I am.. That I am me. With or without hinderance or design. With or without a sparkly shoe upon my foot.

I remembered that I have the capacity to be sad and not have to blame anyone for it.

I remembered that I have the ability to be sad and not be afraid to blame anyone for it.

I remembered that I have nothing to be sorry for when I am living my life the way that I believe in it.

I remembered that I have a beautiful life. And whoever chooses to be in it, is welcome.

Whoever chooses not to be, is not my job to change.

I remembered that my energy is mine to use wherever I choose it best to go.

I remembered that my energy has no reason to explain itself.

I remembered that I should  never apologise for my exuberance.

It’s honest. Honesty’s lacking in this big and scary world, anyway.

That the thing that made a friend of mine say: “love the passion, Cath” had nothing to do with anyone else but me.

Me and opportunity.

And I love opportunity. I love the exciting, the new, the let-me-feel-that-all-the-way-through.

I love my inner four year old (determined tantrums inclusive).

I love that my daughter is my outer four year old.

I love. I love this life.

I won’t stay inside apologising for my own sunshine.

That’s the one thing in this world I never want Cameron to learn.

To apologise for her exuberance, and her accompanying determination.

Dear Prudence – The Beatles.

Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It’s beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won’t you come out to play

Dear Prudence open up your eyes
Dear Prudence see the sunny skies
The wind is low the birds will sing
That you are part of everything
Dear Prudence won’t you open up your eyes?

Look around round round
Look around round round
Oh look around

Dear Prudence let me see you smile
Dear Prudence like a little child
The clouds will be a daisy chain
So let me see you smile again
Dear Prudence won’t you let me see you smile?

Dear Prudence, won’t you come out to play
Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day
The sun is up, the sky is blue
It’s beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won’t you come out to play

Yes. I will come out and play.

Resonation

I read Apryl, every time she posts.

She and I. She found me one night, I don’t know how. How did you, my friend?

She with the four year old, me with the four year old.

I read this post this evening and it resonated.

Thank you for your courage to say what had been swarming around my head all weekend.

Thank you

p.s.

this post is for a friend.

we talk a lot.

i wonder what we’d be like in the same room.

possibly the best conversations we have are when we are silent and just know.

the greatest comfort, even in silence.

like the night she was under the stars, looked up and called me, just to have me with her in that moment.

and i, at my best mate’s husband’s birthday, looked up, stars above and thought…

this world is only as big as we make it.

this post is for that friend.

she who held my hand one night and didn’t flinch when i told her horrible stories.

she who is a mama, like me, and like me so much it’s scary.

we could take over the world

but we’d prefer to play today, please?

this post is for you.

you, courageous woman, raising another courageous woman.

i love you. i’m with you.

this shit is scary.

but, we’ve faced uglier wolves at the door, surely?

for you, for you, tonight I wish upon that star.

and thank the same star for all that you are.

for a friend, a repost.

because we’re late night skyping and venting about the world at large, i thought id repost this today.

(not mine)

predictable as we are
we laugh at the same jokes and watch similar movies and have tastes much alike sort or less and use nothing than our intellectual talents

dependable as we are
we start off on our first trip to paris and though we travel our own highways we only degrade those who degrade us

foreseeable as we are
we turn black into white and the other way around
and you loving your cheese and wine and me loving everything that at least is a little bit unacceptable

acceptable as we are
we let our functions work properly and much more we do not share any secrets
sometimes the thought of that is frightening

amicable as we are
we both laugh and cry submit to our own fears and have simultaneous experiences have our do’s and our don’t’s some for the better and some for the worse why even care

lovable as we are
we shake hands and ceremonial gatherings our friendliness postponed to better moments and our likeabilities postponed to those dear to us

unforgettable as we are
we love our midnight conversations
thank god lack matching outfits and do not listen to the same music though we know what we are when we are together and know what we aren’t when we are seperated

dysfunctional as we are
lacking some sense in our lives yet somehow making it through each day

sightseeable as we are
we know where we are altogether honest and open
it’s a dirty world but we manage to survive with our evergrowing love fears and trust and wisdom overall intact

Packages

I received a package today. A birthday present from SwissTwist, for Cam and I.

Cam and I have been so spoilt, so loved, this year. So deliciously blessed.

I opened up this package…

You know how we all have little routines? Little things we do?

Yeah. that.

Every second weekend, I usually take an hour of quiet and being on my own, to go to the local bookstore and browse.

Every time I do that, I pick up a particular book, read a random one page.. the first to which the book just opens.

I love it.

And then I put it back.

I’ve never bought it.

Nobody knows I do that.

This morning I opened up this package…

And there at the top of the pile.
Was that book.

Who says you have to be in the same country to really know them?

Just, thank you.

I quote:

When I loved myself enough.

I lost my fear of speaking my truth for I have come to see how good it is.

Thank you. x

Megan

all i can say. without sounding too cheesy or emo or plain dumb is…

I can moonwalk!

and I know you’ll get that. And everything that goes into it, behind it and with it.

thank you my friend. This still has me gulping.

Twenty Nine.

When I was younger, I never thought I’d get here. But I did. It just seemed to be “so old”. I think I was right. wah.

Truth? This has been the year that I:

a. achieved a dream.

b. survived a parent’s worst nightmare. with you holding my hand all the way.

c. truly became a mom within in every aspect and fibre of myself. and loved that my family were with me.

d. found out that my random brainwaves actually can have meaning in the real world.

e. and that they can and do come to fruition.

f. found out i am believed in. truly.

g. found out that amazing people live beyond my immediate vision. and then some … …

h. celebrated ten years of incomparable friendship.

i. came home to find the pieces of my life strewn all over the floor, and some of it gone forever.

j. worried. alot. sometimes about my lunch.

k. embraced the future.

l. and dropped the past.

m. missed people terribly.

n. and danced unfettered by inhibition when they returned.

o. had presents arrive for no reason from people who love me just as i am. and Cam did too.

p. met and got to spend some time with a person i am in awe of. and people, in fact. and then had surprise arrivals in my life of people i have always wanted to know.

q. had my heart broken.

r. and am still understood.

s. spoke less.

t. and listened more.

u. sat in a waiting room watching as you finally made enough of an idiot of yourself to leave my life, without me feeling ashamed and leaving me vindicated.

v. had some of the most random, late night conversations with the best but messiest housemate one could ever wish for, and sometimes i still have them.

x. got to work with some of the most incredible people on the planet.

y. and come home every day, to  a home that’s truly ours. unfettered by memories, and blooming with possibility.

z. and at the end of this year, I am more me than I have ever been.

Thank You For An Incredible Year.

stuff i battle to say

i know, it must seem weird for someone so eagerly verbose to battle to stay stuff but, hey, it’s true…

bear in mind, please, that it’s 23:28, i’ve worked every night this week and i’m not only tired but think the fish have even fallen asleep from boredom, from watching me monitor tanning here. Anyway, here goes:

1. I battle to say no. especially when it means i can help, and even more so if i love you. if i love you, i think you know who you are.

2. That doesnt mean you should feel guilty for asking. i am capable of saying no, and i won’t ever say yes when it means sacrificing something of myself. i have done that for far too long in my life. and when you turn down my offer, i won’t be offended but, i will keep one in credit for you anyway. the offer stands.

3. so, yes, i’ll hang your washing, hold your hand and make you tea, but, no, i won’t do it when i’m in the middle of bathing my kid. i’ll let you know if it’s an issue.

4. on that note, i am learning to say no when i feel taken advantage of. and no, youre not one of those people.

5. when i look around me, im still awed. not even in my wildest imagination did i think i would end up with this much love, such brilliantly funny, understanding and superb people in my life. so, excuse me if i get starstruck on your asses. it’s the way i am.

6. yes, i get scared. out of my mind. i just battle to show it. fear is not something i do well.

7. i’m scared of more things than you know, but i’ll be arsed if i’ll show it to that of which i am fearful. call it stubbornness, or whatever.

8. i have a secret hanging for robbie williams. it has nothing on my secret hanging for mark owen though. wahhah. just thought i’d throw a funny one in for good measure.

9. the concept of you not existing in my life, is anathema to me. pure,  unadulterated, grimacing-against-my-own-body, anathema. don’t ever leave. heh. that sounds demanding.

10.  this afternoon, when you asked what was on my mind, the truth is…you.

11. there is nothing in the world i would not do for you. scrap that, the universe. and i would do it with joy.

12. i miss you on the strangest days. days when you really should be here, and random days where i look in the mirror at my frown lines (when the hell did those arrive!!??!!) and think “wish i could bitch to you about this”.

13. when you wake up, still rough-eyed and hopping around, you remind me of the greatest thing in life – possibility.

14. you’re cleverer than you know, or will admit to. there’s nothing wrong with modesty, especially when you level it under a veil of cockiness that belies great strength.

15. you’re not mad, you’re human. and truly human means being affected, and emotional. reactive, and easily hurt. Our skins are not born thick. stop apologising for your epidermis and be proud that you’re not afraid of showing it.

16. when i look across at you, and you’re telling me something, i hear my own childhood voice played back at me. it makes my mama love surge up and want to keep you from the world. it also makes me so proud to see you, so strong, and so brave. and so very loving every second of your precious life.

17. i may not have done everything right in my life, but holy hell, i know there are at least two things i have. both of them happened without my intentions at the beginning of the day being set. heaven knows how immensely grateful i am that a little destiny shone it’s glo-worm at me on those two days.

18. i’ve started spring cleaning my house. i knew this was coming. i’ve felt it for three weeks now. call it winter renewals, or hibernation habits, but the aptly named ‘junemo’ time of this year, holds more hard work, but also more hope, than i have ever imagined.

19. you say things i’m thinking at the exact time i’m thinking them, more often than you know. sometimes i worry i have elucidated my thoughts verbally and not heard myself.

20. when you said i didn’t know you anymore, the truth is…it scares you how much you don’t know me anymore. a doomat is something you wipe your feet on, and i shrugged off that liferug a while ago.

21. great things come from little conversations. keep inspiring me, universe.

22. wherever i am, i always want you with me. that sounds selfish and impossible and…i don’t care.

23. even though you’re now a million miles away and probably not thinking about it at all, i’m reminiscing about that day you dragged me out of bed and made me watch the sunrise with you. just because it was beautiful.

24. i know we don’t speak much, but my respect for you and all that you do, grows daily.

25. in twenty days, i will enter the last year of my twenties. considering i first started writing (or what i term anything near decent writing, although a lot of it was so trite and utter crap) at thirteen, i will have been pounding keyboards and chewing pencils trying to find the right words for sixteen years.

26. dudes, at sixteen i already knew this was what i wanted to do with my life. and yes, i mean all of it.

27. i should have answered that question today with the word: “tomorrow”.

28. when you reflect back to me what i have told you, like today when you said “yes mom, i know you miss him but, you’ll see him soon and even when someone is not with you, the love doesn’t change”, it reminds me of how much i love you, how precious you are, and how blessed i am that you chose me to raise you. when you do things like that, i finally feel like i may just be doing an okay job.

29. the day you said i would never finish anything, was the day i resolved to always do so. that included you. in fact, you were first. hah.

30. perhaps it’s less about being strong, and more about being brave enough to say you’re not.

(Glugster - you know why i'm grinning at you whilst i end this post)

Random Friday Facts

• My hair is falling out. This has happened a few times in my life – once when I was pregnant (I AM NOT PREGNANT EVERYBODY CALM DOWN), once when I was breastfeeding (as unsuccessful as that was, and no, I am not breastfeeding, everyone calm down…) and a few times throughout life when I’m stressed. Truth? I’m not going bald. Truth? I can do nothing about it but wait it out and yes, it currently looks a little like Beetlejuice. Truth? It will improve soon, as it always does and last truth? I’m not gonna go bald so, everyone calm down.
• so why the stress? Truth? Have a lot on my plate workwise. This too shall pass and I will become less of errant blogger. Yes, you can calm down too audience of 12, I will be less sporadic and more garrulous soon, I think. It’s all good though, and worth it.
• Life is good otherwise. Spending a lot of time in front of this lil computer but, it’s okay. No further fish have kicked the bucket (shoo) and we are but two weeks away from my little Cam turning four.
• Yes, four. Okay, I’ll calm down now. Dudes, I remember BEING four. Cam and I have the same hair at that age. (here’s just hoping she doesn’t have my hair at 28 going on 29). I even remember my 4th birthday. I can still smell the provitas with marmite at school, and those big round biscuits I would stick my finger on to claim. (more on that one day but, let’s just say, I like putting my finger on my biscuit!)
• I am surrounded in my life by very clever, very funny and very beautiful people. I know, I say that alot. Because it’s true. Deal with it.
• My youngest niece will soon turn one. where the hang is the time going people?
• I will soon enter the last year of my twenties. Cam says I can turn 23 on my next birthday. I think I like her calendar more than my real life one.
• SARS have completely bunged up my tax return. It’s still not processed! I have to resubmit last years one next week. I mean, seriously dudes. Is it not interesting that it’s the one year that I actually have a bigger than usual rebate due to me? coincidence?
• Some pretty exciting things on the horizon. more on that one day soon.
• Late last night, Seh called me up to ask me to be her bridesmaid.  one of my hugest defenders, am really so honoured. Am trying to stave off the cookie urges and grow this hair in preparation.
• On that note though, little mini-Seh is also turning one soon. WHERE THE HELL IS THE TIME GOING PEOPLE? Is there a time hobbit munching his way through the calendar? Seriously, catch that bloke, string him up and call him names.
• Oh, and by the way, PCT. grin.