giggle.

i heart this

somebody.please.hold.me.

somebody.please.hold.me.before.i.burst.an.organ.again.

youhavenoideahowbadlythisrelatestoacurrentandpastlifescenarioofmine.

/note to will – what the fuck is it with me, never mind g***-playing *******s, but couches that don’t leave?/

*i am crying with laughter*

a lolbunny

because this bunny probably would.

i am trying very hard not to think of anything monty python-ish.

RUN AWAY RUN AWAY.

wahhah

random. i know. i’m tired. get over it.

at 1am, this made me giggle a little on the inside

bash.org.

Nameskaz: can you help me with an experiment real quick?
MarineWife021406: sure
Nameskaz: let me see you naked
MarineWife021406: no
Nameskaz: you see, these fortune cookies are bullshit
Nameskaz: “Your courage will reward you” my ass

belinda mail.

/start this person.

a year ago i was leaving the belinda mail on your phone. in the dark. and we were both quietly corpsing ourselves to death, hoping noone else could hear us.

it was you that said

“you are going to get me into a lot of trouble”

as usual. you were right. pffffffffffffffffffffft.

this

this made me a little wee-wee ish. sick but funny.

thank you Super M for showing it to me

just read this and smiled

“Twenty-Five Things It Took Me Over
50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
* If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
* If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer’s “born-on” date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

lest we forget

HTFU

harden the fuck up.

here

i heart you again bash.org

‘I reckon if i were a super hero i would call myself “Proctastinator” with the power to Leap tall buildings, control time, shoot fireballs out of my ass and other cool super hero stuff
but i’d never get around to doing any of it’

a letter to noone. subject: things you dont know about your office

1. retards have a daily cycle. every day. at 9am. the idiots emerge with their whiney ass dumb questions, in a baby voice. by 09h40, they’ve worked their way up into a frenzy and i cannot ignore them any longer. by 10h30, they are silent. and will leave me alone so long as they don’t fuck anything up.

2. every day, and i mean every day, i contemplate drugging everyone around me with arsenic. it usually dwindles during the day and by afternoon, i’ve consoled myself with the idea of just putting vodka in the water cooler. just because, it’d be fun to see you lots piffed as sarts and attempting to retain your work personalities. i’d like to see what’s really under all that stuff.

3. i have typed out my resignation letter more times than i have dialled your number.

4. i know i send the most email. i also know i’m not the biggest bandwidth bitch. THAT is for another day.

5. everyone has a right to their opinion. i also have a right to ignore it.

6. i have a random collection of batteries. a lot of them. i order, we purchase, i hoard. it happens. j used to do it with pritt. other people in this office do it with toilet paper. i’m not joking. you think people shit that much here? no doofus, they’re taking it home!

7. i can get more done in a day than most of you in a week. that’s with you lot bleating at me constantly, two IM systems going, a virtual girlie email party happening and my family on the phone. imagine what i could do if you left me alone.

8. i loathe meetings. waste of time. i’d rather just get on with my work, and you lot should just get along.

9. one of us spends approximately 15 to 25 minutes in the toilet every time they go in there. I don’t even want to know what they’re doing in there.

10. I cannot bloody stand powerpoint presentations. they suck in ways i cannot express. stop using them. OR EMAILING JOKE ONES TO EACH OTHER.

11. I receive a lot of crap email every day. ninety percent of it emanates from within the office.

12. i have a certain set of music i listen to. trust me, if i didn’t…you wouldn’t be alive.

13. i cannot stand hoverers. ask your question, get your answer and fuck off. i’m not that keen on hearing your opinion on the latest political development or the weather. it’s hot. i know. now what the fuck do you want me to do about it?

14. there’s a big ass reason why i lock stuff away. it’s because you don’t know how to use it. so leave it alone, and no i don’t want to show it to you.

15. don’t use words if you don’t know what they mean. don’t pretend to be clever, and then use it in the wrong context. it makes me want to punch your face in.

16. i love you, dearly. but sometimes i want to staple post it notes to your forehead.

17. we have far too much paper here. we don’t need it. sometimes i wonder if i could just drop a burning cigarette into all of it.

18. i hate that the walls are yellow.

19. you think i have a random approach to things. i don’t. there’s a beauty in the chaos. you’ve seen it before, now leave me alone to create thanks.