exhale

last night Cam and I did the big “GIRLS NIGHT IN”

which included:

*takeout

*doing our nails

*facemasks

*doing our hair

*making a ton of popcorn

*chickflicks (anything with a girl in a wedding dress in it and Cam is SO THERE, although she professes she does not want to get married, just wear the pretty dresses ALOT hehe…)

*talking

*cuddles

*sleep

Tonight, I’ll be at the Durban 27dinner

Tomorrow, I think I need to go fish shopping

yep, another one died. I am a bad fish mama. fish go to heaven via the toilet. apparently, according to Cam:

‘mom, God’s funny with his special fish to heaven portal’

…and then i AM chilling out.

i AM breathing out.

i will, by monday, be…

thinking about Cape Town again

because i’ll be there on friday.

to exhale again.

this picture will mean nothing

to you.

but it does to me.

your smile lights up a world you don’t even know.

It’s friday

and im doing a lot of accepting of things i cannot change

and applying some hard-won wisdom to those i cannot change.

and this weekend, i’ll be quiet.

have a good one, you lot

Yes, They’re Doing It

Wow. What a whirlwind, wonderful week, hey?

It started with the Sheena Surprise lowdown…

Then work got really hectic and very exciting.

Then we presented to 200 rowdy, hormonal, brilliant high school boys.

Then came the 27dinner in Durban last night. If I could draw a heart aroud each person’s name who was there last night, I would. Thank you.

And this morning, this morning my latest article on Parent24 went live. It’s here.

I think I’m allowed a quiet weekend, yes?

Twenty Nine.

When I was younger, I never thought I’d get here. But I did. It just seemed to be “so old”. I think I was right. wah.

Truth? This has been the year that I:

a. achieved a dream.

b. survived a parent’s worst nightmare. with you holding my hand all the way.

c. truly became a mom within in every aspect and fibre of myself. and loved that my family were with me.

d. found out that my random brainwaves actually can have meaning in the real world.

e. and that they can and do come to fruition.

f. found out i am believed in. truly.

g. found out that amazing people live beyond my immediate vision. and then some … …

h. celebrated ten years of incomparable friendship.

i. came home to find the pieces of my life strewn all over the floor, and some of it gone forever.

j. worried. alot. sometimes about my lunch.

k. embraced the future.

l. and dropped the past.

m. missed people terribly.

n. and danced unfettered by inhibition when they returned.

o. had presents arrive for no reason from people who love me just as i am. and Cam did too.

p. met and got to spend some time with a person i am in awe of. and people, in fact. and then had surprise arrivals in my life of people i have always wanted to know.

q. had my heart broken.

r. and am still understood.

s. spoke less.

t. and listened more.

u. sat in a waiting room watching as you finally made enough of an idiot of yourself to leave my life, without me feeling ashamed and leaving me vindicated.

v. had some of the most random, late night conversations with the best but messiest housemate one could ever wish for, and sometimes i still have them.

x. got to work with some of the most incredible people on the planet.

y. and come home every day, to  a home that’s truly ours. unfettered by memories, and blooming with possibility.

z. and at the end of this year, I am more me than I have ever been.

Thank You For An Incredible Year.

stuff i battle to say

i know, it must seem weird for someone so eagerly verbose to battle to stay stuff but, hey, it’s true…

bear in mind, please, that it’s 23:28, i’ve worked every night this week and i’m not only tired but think the fish have even fallen asleep from boredom, from watching me monitor tanning here. Anyway, here goes:

1. I battle to say no. especially when it means i can help, and even more so if i love you. if i love you, i think you know who you are.

2. That doesnt mean you should feel guilty for asking. i am capable of saying no, and i won’t ever say yes when it means sacrificing something of myself. i have done that for far too long in my life. and when you turn down my offer, i won’t be offended but, i will keep one in credit for you anyway. the offer stands.

3. so, yes, i’ll hang your washing, hold your hand and make you tea, but, no, i won’t do it when i’m in the middle of bathing my kid. i’ll let you know if it’s an issue.

4. on that note, i am learning to say no when i feel taken advantage of. and no, youre not one of those people.

5. when i look around me, im still awed. not even in my wildest imagination did i think i would end up with this much love, such brilliantly funny, understanding and superb people in my life. so, excuse me if i get starstruck on your asses. it’s the way i am.

6. yes, i get scared. out of my mind. i just battle to show it. fear is not something i do well.

7. i’m scared of more things than you know, but i’ll be arsed if i’ll show it to that of which i am fearful. call it stubbornness, or whatever.

8. i have a secret hanging for robbie williams. it has nothing on my secret hanging for mark owen though. wahhah. just thought i’d throw a funny one in for good measure.

9. the concept of you not existing in my life, is anathema to me. pure,  unadulterated, grimacing-against-my-own-body, anathema. don’t ever leave. heh. that sounds demanding.

10.  this afternoon, when you asked what was on my mind, the truth is…you.

11. there is nothing in the world i would not do for you. scrap that, the universe. and i would do it with joy.

12. i miss you on the strangest days. days when you really should be here, and random days where i look in the mirror at my frown lines (when the hell did those arrive!!??!!) and think “wish i could bitch to you about this”.

13. when you wake up, still rough-eyed and hopping around, you remind me of the greatest thing in life – possibility.

14. you’re cleverer than you know, or will admit to. there’s nothing wrong with modesty, especially when you level it under a veil of cockiness that belies great strength.

15. you’re not mad, you’re human. and truly human means being affected, and emotional. reactive, and easily hurt. Our skins are not born thick. stop apologising for your epidermis and be proud that you’re not afraid of showing it.

16. when i look across at you, and you’re telling me something, i hear my own childhood voice played back at me. it makes my mama love surge up and want to keep you from the world. it also makes me so proud to see you, so strong, and so brave. and so very loving every second of your precious life.

17. i may not have done everything right in my life, but holy hell, i know there are at least two things i have. both of them happened without my intentions at the beginning of the day being set. heaven knows how immensely grateful i am that a little destiny shone it’s glo-worm at me on those two days.

18. i’ve started spring cleaning my house. i knew this was coming. i’ve felt it for three weeks now. call it winter renewals, or hibernation habits, but the aptly named ‘junemo’ time of this year, holds more hard work, but also more hope, than i have ever imagined.

19. you say things i’m thinking at the exact time i’m thinking them, more often than you know. sometimes i worry i have elucidated my thoughts verbally and not heard myself.

20. when you said i didn’t know you anymore, the truth is…it scares you how much you don’t know me anymore. a doomat is something you wipe your feet on, and i shrugged off that liferug a while ago.

21. great things come from little conversations. keep inspiring me, universe.

22. wherever i am, i always want you with me. that sounds selfish and impossible and…i don’t care.

23. even though you’re now a million miles away and probably not thinking about it at all, i’m reminiscing about that day you dragged me out of bed and made me watch the sunrise with you. just because it was beautiful.

24. i know we don’t speak much, but my respect for you and all that you do, grows daily.

25. in twenty days, i will enter the last year of my twenties. considering i first started writing (or what i term anything near decent writing, although a lot of it was so trite and utter crap) at thirteen, i will have been pounding keyboards and chewing pencils trying to find the right words for sixteen years.

26. dudes, at sixteen i already knew this was what i wanted to do with my life. and yes, i mean all of it.

27. i should have answered that question today with the word: “tomorrow”.

28. when you reflect back to me what i have told you, like today when you said “yes mom, i know you miss him but, you’ll see him soon and even when someone is not with you, the love doesn’t change”, it reminds me of how much i love you, how precious you are, and how blessed i am that you chose me to raise you. when you do things like that, i finally feel like i may just be doing an okay job.

29. the day you said i would never finish anything, was the day i resolved to always do so. that included you. in fact, you were first. hah.

30. perhaps it’s less about being strong, and more about being brave enough to say you’re not.

(Glugster - you know why i'm grinning at you whilst i end this post)

Random Friday Facts

• My hair is falling out. This has happened a few times in my life – once when I was pregnant (I AM NOT PREGNANT EVERYBODY CALM DOWN), once when I was breastfeeding (as unsuccessful as that was, and no, I am not breastfeeding, everyone calm down…) and a few times throughout life when I’m stressed. Truth? I’m not going bald. Truth? I can do nothing about it but wait it out and yes, it currently looks a little like Beetlejuice. Truth? It will improve soon, as it always does and last truth? I’m not gonna go bald so, everyone calm down.
• so why the stress? Truth? Have a lot on my plate workwise. This too shall pass and I will become less of errant blogger. Yes, you can calm down too audience of 12, I will be less sporadic and more garrulous soon, I think. It’s all good though, and worth it.
• Life is good otherwise. Spending a lot of time in front of this lil computer but, it’s okay. No further fish have kicked the bucket (shoo) and we are but two weeks away from my little Cam turning four.
• Yes, four. Okay, I’ll calm down now. Dudes, I remember BEING four. Cam and I have the same hair at that age. (here’s just hoping she doesn’t have my hair at 28 going on 29). I even remember my 4th birthday. I can still smell the provitas with marmite at school, and those big round biscuits I would stick my finger on to claim. (more on that one day but, let’s just say, I like putting my finger on my biscuit!)
• I am surrounded in my life by very clever, very funny and very beautiful people. I know, I say that alot. Because it’s true. Deal with it.
• My youngest niece will soon turn one. where the hang is the time going people?
• I will soon enter the last year of my twenties. Cam says I can turn 23 on my next birthday. I think I like her calendar more than my real life one.
• SARS have completely bunged up my tax return. It’s still not processed! I have to resubmit last years one next week. I mean, seriously dudes. Is it not interesting that it’s the one year that I actually have a bigger than usual rebate due to me? coincidence?
• Some pretty exciting things on the horizon. more on that one day soon.
• Late last night, Seh called me up to ask me to be her bridesmaid.  one of my hugest defenders, am really so honoured. Am trying to stave off the cookie urges and grow this hair in preparation.
• On that note though, little mini-Seh is also turning one soon. WHERE THE HELL IS THE TIME GOING PEOPLE? Is there a time hobbit munching his way through the calendar? Seriously, catch that bloke, string him up and call him names.
• Oh, and by the way, PCT. grin.

there’s a new line in my life

(disclaimer – this post has nothing to do with the end of the Shath, or in fact anyone I’ve ever mentioned on this here bloggerism).

Before I tell you about this new line, you should know something about me. I have a very long fuse. And when I say long, I mean, looooooooooooooooooooooooooong. This has, in my life thus far, been a good and a bad thing. I’ve learnt patience with it but it’s also led me to let people take a dump on my head more often than is needed. It’s meant that I can pretty much withstand anything life throws at me, but it’s also meant that I have to be patient with myself more often than I ever thought I would be.

There’s one quintessential thing about this long fuse that sometimes people forget. Even though it’s long, it has an end. And holy mother of balls and chutney, when you reach the end of my fuse, you will fall off a cliff, screaming and wishing for the comfort of your childhood teddy.

Learning about my long fuse takes people time. Learning about the end of it does not. It happens quickly, and without much emotion, truly. Once you reach that end of it, it truly unravels and you’re left dealing with a very stern, very strong, very no-fucking-hearts-and-flowers, Cath. You won’t like me when I’m mad. It’s a cold place and I will confiscate your socks.

But, you see, learning about the long fuse takes time. Whilst my long fuse is a winding road, I walk upon it a smoking dragon. As long as you don’t poke me, I shan’t breathe fire. And it takes a mighty big stick to poke a dragon so that it truly feels the pinch.

The new line in my life is quite simple and happened upon when I was irked at work. See, my long fuse was being trampled upon, pulled at, yanked, whatever you want to call it. And it was not just mine alone that was being fucked with. It led to me puffing a bit along the way but, I still kept going. Until, two days ago when someone very dear to me said to the person irking me, that I was not happy. When someone else realizes that my fuse is fast coming to an end, that’s when you know… dudes, duck and cover.

So, this new line is quite simple. And being someone who battles with boundaries and keeping them and drawing them, I find it quite comforting to finally have something to say when I feel it’s time to draw them.

It’s easy to say and easy to remember:

Do not poke the smoking dragon.

28 years. A letter to myself.

0 – born. you looked like a frog and kind of like your maternal grandmother in a bad mood.

1 – walking. according to reports, a real personality. keen on playing at early hours of morning. already found your niche and primeval swamp

2 – talking. alot. “you know why catherine is so heavy? because she is full of words!”

3 – preschool. you met karen, vaughn and a litany of people who would smack back into your life 25 years later with aplomb and full of memories.

4 – biting your nails already by this age. stubborn.

5 – began school. at this stage you looked remarkably alot like your daughter does now. on the first day of school, you left your mom at the classroom door and said “i can do it by myself”

6 – your best friends are karen, taryn and daine. at karen’s birthday party, there was the ‘interesting’ pool incident.

7 – you move to a small town with your family and start to hate and love life at the same time. you hate the small town. you love having a swimming pool, although you never get into it properly. this is the year you learn another language.

8 – you move back to the primeval swamp. you are so happy to be home.

9 – you’re at a new school. you meet some of the people who will be around forever. your clearest memory of this year is of the person who will one day become your child’s father standing in class queue, and losing your ring. and of charlene fainting. your best friend is tracy and she’s crazy then, and she’s crazy now.

10 – you begin to rebel and cut up your swimming costume in a fit of I DO NOT WANT TO BE THROWN INTO THE POOL AGAIN DURING SWIMMING LESSONS AT SCHOOL THANK YOU. I WILL LEARN IN MY OWN TIME. You hate a lot that year. You have an awesome teacher though. The cat pees on your homework. Someone you will meet again many years later, will remember this.

11 – you are sat next to your lifelong friend in class. stuff you don’t like starts to come out of the woodwork. You have a good teacher, a lovely heart and a new kitty familiar to get you through. You hate cold places. You teach yourself to swim.

12 – you’re elected prefect. Bart Simpson is king of the world and you have a hoodie to prove it. You have no idea why you’re elected prefect but, you meet someone extremely special and strong this year. She will be a guide and inspiration to you for many days, even on her wedding day. Your best friend is Charlene, and you start noticing boys, boobs and the word “bollocks”.

13 – you begin the dreaded high school. Your best friend is Jo. You do fight alot. You kiss a boy for the first time. Many years later, he is working with your best friend.

14 – you bring home your first ‘boyfriend’. You dump him before he realises how crap you are and dumps you, Jo walks home with you. You really think you are crap. You ditch the alice band. You get dumped on New Years Eve.

15 – you lose your virginity. You hate that statement. You meet Steve. Again. Waha. You start going out and loving the crazy life. You meet Sarah. You do crazy, silly things and enjoy “talking to aliens”. Steve breaks up with you but you’re never far from each other’s side. You meet Kate one night in a freezing cold swimming pool. You start to write.

16 – you’re loving life. You have awesome friends, you have an infatuation we can safely call bruce. (hindsight is so 20/20…), you begin to spend a lot of time with Jose. and Michael. and Matthew. You start to realise that people are different and don’t always respond well when thrown into a room together. One night during a horror movie, Steve catches you beginning to create the future. He is not shocked. You are a little. You try on a million personalities. You keep a few. You write and write and write.

17 – you feel a little lost but, certain to continue trying.  You meet the person who’s name is on his shirt. You lose interest way earlier than anyone else notices. You go to your matric dance, you hate every second. you realise very quickly that you’re there with the wrong person so, you and your partner in crime, Janet, smoke and laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone. Your sister leaves for the UK. You finish school and do well. You have no idea how. Jose dies. You miss your friend from that day on.

18 – you start varsity. deciding that path in life was one of the most exciting times of your life. it was that experience that taught you about your dad and how much he gives a shit. After ignoring him, actively, for many years, you start to rely on him more and more. You meet Graeme. You have a sweet relationship, a true college romance. You meet Garry and Stu. You do well at uni, and finish off first year quite drunk and somewhere in a swimming pool.

19 – You begin second year, a little more sure about life. You start to realise more and more about yourself, what you hate and what you want to keep. You spend more and more time with the people some people deem as ‘inferior’ or ‘rebellious’. You don’t care. You get a part-time job at the video store. You ditch Graeme, you remain close though. You do well, and by the time you finish that year, you’ve decided on a few things. You re-meet a nice boy and spend some time learning about how life truly isn’t about how much you can gain, but about how people matter way more.  You finish your degree and celebrate by stamping your dad’s toe by accident and smoking a cigar.

20 – you spend a lot of time at home with your dad. In hindsight, you love this time. You study, you work (the video store years!), you spend a lot of time having fun, you realise you’re in love with someone who’s loved you since his 7th birthday. The words “once upon a rooftop sat…” resonate alot around your life. Garry and Steve move to Ireland and thus begins the ’spleenvent’ email series. You get your first ‘real’ job and meet J&R, who become your other parents. You get chickenpox.

21 – You get your first ‘real’ job and meet J&R, who become your other parents. You get chickenpox. You ravish up unemployment with writing. You love sitting in your window writing. You muse and live and love. You get your second ‘real’ job. You get your heart broken. You meet Allan.

22 – You move out of home into the second 6 of your addresses. You love living with Allan. You love the wooden floors, you love the craziness. You attempt to cook chicken and instantly go vegetarian. You love the constant music, the mad neighbours (yes, thats you Neville!) You collapse and are medicated for depression. Your dad celebrates with you with chelsea buns. You quit your job. J&R find you a new one with them. Allan leaves. You move home and hate it. You’re obnoxious and unpleasant. And unsure of yourself. So so so unsure of yourself. You keep writing.

23 – you find a new home, the third six in your domestic addresses. You live with Tam. Life is good, crazy and excellent. You and her get lost a lot. You love life. You’re single. You’re not. You’re single. You’re not. Whatever. it doesn’t matter. Life’s great. You meet Mr K. Life is a great party. You meet Micky and Gabi and a lunacy of wonderful people. Some of them, in later years, turn out to not be wonderful. You lick a girl called Lauren’s face. You laugh. You have no idea how that’ll save your life one day. One night at the Winston, a beautiful blond girl says to you “Nice rack. We’re going to be the best of friends forever”. She is right. Garry comes home to visit and you invent the cigarette game. He decides to come home to the madness.

24 – you love life. You decide you want to be with the person you feel closest to. It’s strange and comfort and warm. You move homes and live with Garry and Galaxian. The GaMaCa R***job House, the first 12 in your domestic address history. You keep writing. You have wonderful people, you still worry about whether or not you’re doing the right thing. You begin to learn about your anger. Your dad has a stroke. You worry.you go to splashy and hate it. your brother gets married to the girl he loves above all.  You write alot.

25 – You have Vic in your life, cash crusaders ‘n’ all. On Christmas Eve, your sister says “i’ll bet you anything you’re pregnant” whilst she’s got you in a change room in a shopping mall, trying on the world’s ugliest pink skirt as an alleged “bridesmaid posssibile outfit”. You go home, you pee on a stick. Your sister “gets the camera”. You phone Garry. Your parents are over the moon. Your brother comes home for the first time in ages. Galaxian does not speak for two weeks. You freak out alot. You stop writing for a long time. Your sister gets married. By the time your parents get home from the wedding, your father is dying.

You spend a lot of time with him when you are pregnant. You can’t write. You have no idea what to do. You keep believing. Somehow. You move back to your third domestic address.

You give birth in an insanely fast way. You meet your daughter. You fall in love. Mother lion love. You want to protect at all costs. This never changes.

Your father dies two days after you fail to recognise him and three weeks after his first grandchild is born. You cannot write. You cannot cry. You just stare. You get left alone alot. It is not anyone’s fault.

26 – you are medicated for depression. You go numb. You start to write again. You write your way right back into life. You do it for you, You do it for her. You do it for her, again and again and again. Your child is electrocuted one day at school. She gets pneumonia. Your mother lion love grows and grows.  You force dangerous things out and lose the person you love the most because you have to, to survive.  you live alone, you try at love again and fail. You don’t know why. You try everything, your Mother lion love keeping you warm at night. You live alone with your little child. You worry. You never sleep. Your Mother lion love keeps you going. Your friends love you the way you need. You are okay. Your niece is born.

27 – you end up in hospital. garry saves your life YET again. you spend five days pondering the meaning of life, solidly, and without interruption. you meet someone. you battle. you finally let go. it’s so sad he cannot stay. your heart is broken so that it can finally work properly – without expectation. you write and write and you cannot stop at all. you are sad, and alone, but okay. you keep writing. lauren arrives at your house with yellow flowers. Your Mother Lion Love and your Friends keep you going. You miss your dad. The sixes and twelves surround you every day. You write like never before.

28 – you meet the first person to ever truly stop you on your best friend’s birthday. you doubt and doubt and doubt yourself, you spend a lot of time wondering. you smile alot. you’re still astounded by them even though you don’t tell them. you try to do something that is the safe option in life. You are so wrong. You are broken again. You learn about getting up. Your second niece is born. Your Mother Lion Love grows. Every single one of your high school friends has children. You keep writing. You live with someone so much like you it’s the comfort you wanted at home all along.

You are brave. You step straight into love. You don’t run anymore. You shout COWS alot. You are so happy. You are unashamedly silly and it’s the warmest room in your house of life.

Your courage is rewarded. You have a crazy life. Busy. Vibrant. Full of love.

You are so blessed.

Happy Birthday.

p.s. SOTD – Incomplete – a line from it: I have been running so sweaty my whole life, Urgent for a finish line,
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

wah!

someone rather clever found this and it made me weewee. it’s soooo me. sooooo me. from diesel sweeties

good morning person.