inexplicably linked but entirely untangled

and on a random note…I don’t often, in fact, ever, I think, talk about friends lost. tonight i am going to.

do you think that, sometimes, people are just inexplicably linked?

i have a friend. it’s a friend i lost.

the strangest part of losing each other’s friendship is that it was the right thing to happen, for both our lives.

but, last night, i heard this cover version of a song for the first time, and whilst the content of it is seriously romantic, the connotations we both hold for it don’t linger there at all. they linger on some good memories of me in my orange boots and us laughing at each other’s lives. of me moon-walking out of a club one night, after meeting each other again after many years. We’d known each other since very little and once, once this now-gone-friend had saved my little girl soul from crucifying embarassment. I’ll never forget that.

the end came down to…my friend willing my life to change, and me being unwilling to change it at that time. Me willing their life to change, and them being unwilling to change it at that time.

The madness was brought to light, and things changed. We lost each other’s friendship in a mish-mash of aeroplane trips, trans-atlantic instant messages that went wrong, 2am phonecalls we didn’t make anymore and not acting on some pretty strange signs we both saw.

When this song came on last night… I knew. I knew that the time had come to acknowledge the madness, acknowledge that it’s over, honour the time we had and keep moving on. That this friendship is indeed over, and that the fact that we don’t miss each other, says more about just how mad it all really was.

When this song came on, I knew something was up. Something had gone wrong in their lives. The Universe doesn’t send up a flare of this magnitude without good reason.

So, I stopped what I was doing this morning for a second, summoned up all my courage, and typed a short email to this now-gone-friend.

They responded. I had been right. At the exact time that I had heard this song, they, on the other end of the world, in their well-chosen and destined life, had been what we’d have called, mockingly to each other, “having a drama”.

I guess the Universe wanted me to check in. To get over my own self, and just check in.

So I did. And I’m glad I did. We don’t miss each other, we don’t feel any great desire to chat again. We don’t feel the need to continue beyond this email send/receive session. We are okay with the past and that it should stay there. We stunted each other, and have grown beyond our greatest trees of dreams since letting go.

Tonight, though, I am thankful for the time we did have together, for the friendship we did have, and I am thankful that we let it go. Moreover, I am thankful that we were able to check in on each other, without agenda, and without hope of going beyond this little exchange.

So, here’s that song.

Tonight I dedicate to my now-gone-friend. To a dusty, hot freeway and driving so very far for no reason. To a bird that poohed on my head. To coming home from work today to find an anonymous package on my doorstep and knowing that it was going to be okay. To a good little pig in a box that once arrived in my life. A present for Cam, she rode that little pig bike thingum for ages. Now she has grown much too tall for it. I look at that pig and I think, whilst the pig may be of little use now, it’s still a good pig. Heh. I don’t even know if you’re reading this my now-gone-friend. You probably are. Thank you for the time we had together. It’s still a good pig.

This line for you:

“and I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real”

Adieu.

Dear Cameron, On Love

“Mom, look, Ariel’s going to marry Prince Eric and he’s defeated Ursula the sea witch and now they’re going to live happily ever after”, Cameron said, eyes all-bright and beaming at the prospect of yet another animated fairytale coming to its conclusion of sweethearts and rainbows.

I’m stuck questioning myself in this myriad of fairytales. I have always said that I would raise Cameron honestly. Protected from the nastiness of underbelly of life, as best I could but, honestly nonetheless. So how do I tame this wild belief in fairytales and demon-slaying princes?

The truth is she’s far too young to be jaded by my cynicism. My heart breaks though, when I think of the future. Of teenage crushes and the emotional crushing that beckons beyond that. Of love notes passed under desks and then crumpled into the bin once the infatuation passes.

How do I temper this fairytale mind? I don’t live the fairytale life. True, we’re happy as our little family of Mama and Cam, prancing around and singing ABBA loudly, whilst pigging out on ice-cream with sprinkles.

But the thing that sticks in my throat, beyond Cameron’s DVD collection, is my own collection of love stories and soppy chick flicks. There’s a moment in Love Actually that sums up the extraordinary thing. What’s the extraordinary thing, I hear you ask? It’s that moment where that man of your dreams, or flavour of the week, does the extraordinary thing. In Love Actually, it’s when Keira Knightley is serenaded by flashcard by her husband’s best friend at her front door. In Bridget Jones, it’s when Mark Darcy rescues Bridget from an impending doom in a Thai jail.

That’s the extraordinary thing. Every great love story has it. It’s when the Prince searches the country, desperate for his glass-slipper mate.

But, to me, the thing is. The thing is, that being swept off your feet often means you lose your ground. Sure, I’ve had my fair share of extraordinary things happen in my life – I have been incredibly lucky and blessed in that department. But, real love? Enduring beyond the extraordinary thing? Can I really tell my daughter that it does exist?

The truth is that I can’t answer that question. To me, the extraordinary thing has to be lived and loved every day. That’s enduring love. That’s the love I see between a friend of mine and her husband. That’s the love I want for my daughter, one day, when I let her out of the house. The extraordinary thing should be every day.

Maybe I’m setting impossible standards for my child. I’d like to think I’m not but, life experience shows me that I might just be. I’d like to think I’m promoting an attitude of not compromising herself for anyone else. I’d like to think I want to set the bar so high, that her prince (or princess, I’m not fussy) is truly worthy of her immense and awe-inspiring love.

They better be. Or else I’m setting my stun-gun to “annihilate”.

stuff i battle to say

i know, it must seem weird for someone so eagerly verbose to battle to stay stuff but, hey, it’s true…

bear in mind, please, that it’s 23:28, i’ve worked every night this week and i’m not only tired but think the fish have even fallen asleep from boredom, from watching me monitor tanning here. Anyway, here goes:

1. I battle to say no. especially when it means i can help, and even more so if i love you. if i love you, i think you know who you are.

2. That doesnt mean you should feel guilty for asking. i am capable of saying no, and i won’t ever say yes when it means sacrificing something of myself. i have done that for far too long in my life. and when you turn down my offer, i won’t be offended but, i will keep one in credit for you anyway. the offer stands.

3. so, yes, i’ll hang your washing, hold your hand and make you tea, but, no, i won’t do it when i’m in the middle of bathing my kid. i’ll let you know if it’s an issue.

4. on that note, i am learning to say no when i feel taken advantage of. and no, youre not one of those people.

5. when i look around me, im still awed. not even in my wildest imagination did i think i would end up with this much love, such brilliantly funny, understanding and superb people in my life. so, excuse me if i get starstruck on your asses. it’s the way i am.

6. yes, i get scared. out of my mind. i just battle to show it. fear is not something i do well.

7. i’m scared of more things than you know, but i’ll be arsed if i’ll show it to that of which i am fearful. call it stubbornness, or whatever.

8. i have a secret hanging for robbie williams. it has nothing on my secret hanging for mark owen though. wahhah. just thought i’d throw a funny one in for good measure.

9. the concept of you not existing in my life, is anathema to me. pure,  unadulterated, grimacing-against-my-own-body, anathema. don’t ever leave. heh. that sounds demanding.

10.  this afternoon, when you asked what was on my mind, the truth is…you.

11. there is nothing in the world i would not do for you. scrap that, the universe. and i would do it with joy.

12. i miss you on the strangest days. days when you really should be here, and random days where i look in the mirror at my frown lines (when the hell did those arrive!!??!!) and think “wish i could bitch to you about this”.

13. when you wake up, still rough-eyed and hopping around, you remind me of the greatest thing in life – possibility.

14. you’re cleverer than you know, or will admit to. there’s nothing wrong with modesty, especially when you level it under a veil of cockiness that belies great strength.

15. you’re not mad, you’re human. and truly human means being affected, and emotional. reactive, and easily hurt. Our skins are not born thick. stop apologising for your epidermis and be proud that you’re not afraid of showing it.

16. when i look across at you, and you’re telling me something, i hear my own childhood voice played back at me. it makes my mama love surge up and want to keep you from the world. it also makes me so proud to see you, so strong, and so brave. and so very loving every second of your precious life.

17. i may not have done everything right in my life, but holy hell, i know there are at least two things i have. both of them happened without my intentions at the beginning of the day being set. heaven knows how immensely grateful i am that a little destiny shone it’s glo-worm at me on those two days.

18. i’ve started spring cleaning my house. i knew this was coming. i’ve felt it for three weeks now. call it winter renewals, or hibernation habits, but the aptly named ‘junemo’ time of this year, holds more hard work, but also more hope, than i have ever imagined.

19. you say things i’m thinking at the exact time i’m thinking them, more often than you know. sometimes i worry i have elucidated my thoughts verbally and not heard myself.

20. when you said i didn’t know you anymore, the truth is…it scares you how much you don’t know me anymore. a doomat is something you wipe your feet on, and i shrugged off that liferug a while ago.

21. great things come from little conversations. keep inspiring me, universe.

22. wherever i am, i always want you with me. that sounds selfish and impossible and…i don’t care.

23. even though you’re now a million miles away and probably not thinking about it at all, i’m reminiscing about that day you dragged me out of bed and made me watch the sunrise with you. just because it was beautiful.

24. i know we don’t speak much, but my respect for you and all that you do, grows daily.

25. in twenty days, i will enter the last year of my twenties. considering i first started writing (or what i term anything near decent writing, although a lot of it was so trite and utter crap) at thirteen, i will have been pounding keyboards and chewing pencils trying to find the right words for sixteen years.

26. dudes, at sixteen i already knew this was what i wanted to do with my life. and yes, i mean all of it.

27. i should have answered that question today with the word: “tomorrow”.

28. when you reflect back to me what i have told you, like today when you said “yes mom, i know you miss him but, you’ll see him soon and even when someone is not with you, the love doesn’t change”, it reminds me of how much i love you, how precious you are, and how blessed i am that you chose me to raise you. when you do things like that, i finally feel like i may just be doing an okay job.

29. the day you said i would never finish anything, was the day i resolved to always do so. that included you. in fact, you were first. hah.

30. perhaps it’s less about being strong, and more about being brave enough to say you’re not.

(Glugster - you know why i'm grinning at you whilst i end this post)

stuffs

okay, so…there’s stuff going on. Unfortunately, folks, you won’t be reading about it here or anywhere else in fact. I have some decorum and necessity for that.

But, I just wanted to say… thank you. Thank you for your emails, calls, messages and sunday morning early risings.

It means a lot to me. more than you know. I know my army is strong, and proud. and willing. 

The fact is that i currently oscillate between being okay with it, to wanting to smack things, to wanting to just cry. 

But, I’m strong. I’m strong because i know that things will be okay. Not ideal, but okay. 

I know they will be okay because there is no better army in the world than mine, and i defy anyone to test that theory. 

It already appears someone is. Heh. No matter.

I know you’re there. And it’s what’s keeping me going. Keeping me smiling. Keeping me strong. Keeping me doing this. Keeping me writing this. 

Don’t worry. I ain’t stopping. Ever.

a post of random photos. because i can.

Yes, it’s been a busy time. It’s still a busy time. But, in between I took some random photos, and I reckon you’ll enjoy them.

You can find them over here

busy bee

1. it’s busy out here, but, it’s all good.

2. cameron is divine.

3. i wish i could do more to make this transition easier for you.

4.  i have the best friends in the whole world.

5. it’s nearly 11pm, and i’m feeling blessed.

6. bed-time.

7. sleep tight.

8. p.s. monotonous. X

A listy list because I can…

1. I am… thankful, busy as fuck, and alive.

2. I think… I can’t wait for the weekend. Weddings (not mine), home movings (not mine) and relax-time (mine)

3. I’m singing…nest – bhora. i have no idea why. it’s been stuck in my head for two days.

4. I’m sighing at…my itunes. which has gone belly up and refuses to do anything but stare at me and say “screw you, I shall not play any more ABBA to keep your spirits up chick”

5. I’m concerned about…people who steal. People who steal from good people. Really good people, who give and care. And then they get fucked right over. You, you person I trusted and loved and gave everything I could to, you disgust me. You wittled my faith and took away something very, very precious to someone I care about like family. Quite frankly, fuck you.

6. I love…my daughter, my sent-straight-out-of-heaven friends, my insane-crazy family.

7. I want…another chocolate brownie. (hehe, thank you Sue)

8. I wish for…there to just be an ounce more fairness in the world. Just an ounce would go a far way.

9. I’m getting over…virgin flipping mobile. Refund me, you bunch of incompetents.

10. I’m learning…to forgive you for once again, neglecting to realise what that means.  I can’t always expect you to know, when you really had no desire to do so, and still don’t really. I don’t think you ever really will, and really ever have.

11. I’m listening…to some sweet ass silence in the office for a change.

12. I’m headed for…my login page to get some work done.

Later, peeps.

(yes, thats a 12, and gluggie, well, you know what I’m gonna say )

a letter

Dear Dadadadad

Cameron asked after you again this evening and I realised I had not written to you in a while. So much has happened, all good things, clearing up and clearing out – you said
to me once that, as I “plodded” towards thirty, I’d “probably” sort myself out. Hehe. I guess you were right. I never factored in that I’d end up so goddamn thankful for each
second of my life and yet, here I am, vibrating with gratitude whilst plodding.

Work is well and fine, and like you said, if I put my mind to it, I’ll do it. And I think I am. Well, I’m trying to, even on the shittiest days. There are good days and there a bad
ones, but the spaces between are where I feel my best, less scared and more aware.  Does that make sense? Who knows.

I’ve seen two good friends this week who I just want to squeeze with love. Boos and Seh. Boos is good, and looking fantastic. She never changes, never wavers and still
makes me laugh like a cackling, spitting loon. I always knew I would be lucky to be blessed by her, and it’s phenomenal to me how Cameron remembers her, and how
easily she just got into the groove with her.

Seh is, Seh is. Wow. Seh is a fantastic mother. She was made to do this parenting thing we hold so high. Calla is gorgeous and so good. I never thought I’d ever see Seh
so calmly doing this. She’s so much braver than I ever, ever knew – I always knew she had the courage to take over the world, I just never knew she really would. I guess love does make the difference in the world, after all.

It’s been so re-affirming to see them again. To talk of nothing and everything and be silent with each other. It’s so rare for me to feel that I can be silent in the presence of
another person. And yet, there they are. good friends who have lived through the quiet and the insane noise of my life thus far, and have never wavered. I’m a lucky, lucky
girl. I have very good friends.

Ah, but that’s not the only reason I’m lucky. As I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, I’m really quite taken by this person. I think you’d like him. Funny enough to make me
want to throw my shoes, yet quiet enough to let me feel safe. Familiar enough to feel comfortable and scary enough to keep me on my funny toes. Just like you said, once.
Enough about me, let’s talk about her for a minute. There are so many times I look at Cameron playing, talking, twirling around, that I wish for you to be with us. That I think
how fantastically you would be gobbling up this experience of life with this precious person and how, when I have tired of reading Cinderella for the ninety-fifth time, I
sometimes wish I could ask you to do it. I think Cameron would love that.

Sometimes I’ll catch her doing something that I so easily see you in. The way she likes to creep up on me with that funny, arched-eyebrow look, when she knows she’s
going to make me laugh. Sometimes when she thinks, she puts her finger on her nose, and I laugh and ask her if she’s holding up her imaginary glasses. And when I
ask her what she’s thinking about she says, “Mom. I’m thinking. Give me a minute”.

The time, it slips away so quickly. Just like you said it would. But, I’m having the time of my life as her mom. I’m having the time of my life as me.  It’s the little moments that mostly nobody else sees that make every day with her so precious. The way she squeezes her little arms around my neck and says “I love you mom”, and the world spins around us but in that moment, we’re entirely still.

You were always so good at telling stories and I try really hard to be the same. Sometimes I’m just so darn tired, though. But, I do try. Enthusiasm is a choice, after
all.

I often used to question you about all of this parenting shiz. And you would laugh and say “out of the three, you were the hardest”. Heheh. That’s probably why I won’t
chance it again with another. When you said you knew I could do it, I don’t think I believed you then. But, I believe you now, and I hope I do a good enough job. Only one
person can answer that though, and it’s not you or me or anybody else but her.

I never thought she’d be the girl she is today. Does that sound strange? I thought she’d be a tomboy, a rough and tumbler, and yes, she is to some extent. But the inner
princess is floating right through her. I wish you could see her dance. Can you? Without the slightest abandon or fear of toppling over – all she cares about is that she is
dancing.

She rides her bicycle now, and I swell with pride. She kisses my cheek and nothing in the world beyond our front door matters at all. You said nobody could teach me to be
a mum, that I would just do it, and I do. I’d ask you how can you love someone so much that you would do anything in the world for them…and you’d say “you don’t think
about it. you just do it because, it’s the most natural thing in the world”.

You were right, after all.

It’s bedtime for me, so good night and, keep sending the feathers. xxx

2008’s final fairytale.

I’m trying to keep believing in fairy tales, see? Not for me, I know far too well, for
myself, that they are just dusty chapters of dreams unwon. But, for my daughter, I
need to keep believing. And trust me, I try. I want her to dance with the prince, find a
pea in her bed and laugh with crabs under the sea. I want her to grow her mermaid
tail and then cut it off for love. And I want her to keep dreaming.

But, for me, well. Here’s my fairytale.

Cath: Hi, Universe. It’s me, Cath. I was wondering, when do I get the sparkly dress
and crown and get to lose my slipper only to have it found, returned, and squish my
foot back into it? And where’s the oke on the stallion?
Universe: Duuude. We’re a long way off from that. Duuude, let’s not get ahead of yourselves. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before we can even begin. Oh, and please, we’re against horse riding now, you’ll have to make do with this tricycle.
Cath: Okay, cool. I can do that. But, please, don’t spare the mouthwash supplies, and
can I get a tyre pump?
Universe: Okay. Deal.

Cath: Okay, Universe? I kissed the frog and he croaked off. What now? Do I get the
dress yet?
Universe: Hah. They taste like chicken, hey? No, babe. Listen. You gotta go sleep on
a bed with a pea in it first.
Cath: Alright. Point me to the matress and I’ll figure it out from there.
Universe: Er, in your fairytale there was no mattress the first time around but, hey,
let’s just be hypothetical.
Cath: I can deal with that. What size pea are we talking?
Universe: Oh darling, it’s never as big as you’d like it to be.

Cath: Right. Found the pea. Hand me the dress.
Universe: *chortle*. You’re joking, right? You’ve not lived under the sea yet and cut off
your tail for some womanly-named wanker.
Cath: Okay. I’m a crap swimmer but hey, let’s just grow me a tail, right? I’m sure I’ll
be fine once I get the tail.
Universe: Sure thing. That’s what they all say.

Cath: Super. Tail grown and disposed of. What’s next? Hey, when do I get the fairy
godmother?
Universe: You gotta scrub the hearth first, Cinderella wannabe. No worries, I have for
you a lovely scrubbing brush. Isn’t it every princess’ dream to get a domestic
implement for Christmas anyway?
Cath: So I’ve been told. Okay, let me find that apron.
Universe: This is too easy. Go right ahead. And don’t miss a spot.

Cath: Okay, the hearth is clean. Where’s my plump-faced fairy?
Universe: Well, you know. Fairy Godmothers get tired, whatwith all that wand-
wangling and flitting about making glass shoes. We sent her on a short holiday. So,
do us a favour will you?
Cath: Sure thing. What’s up?
Universe: Go and find your own dress, and slippers that make you feel like a princess.
Oh, and a tiara too. It seems we ran out of stock last year. You may need to make
your own.
Cath: No hassles. All that domestication over the hearth made me quite the creative
type.
Universe: Excellent. Knew we could trust you.

Cath: Right. Done. I kissed the frog, pumped my own tyres, slept on the pea, grew that rather uncomfortable tail, chopped it off, scrubbed the hearth, sewed the dress, found the shoes, pieced together the tiara with glitter and twine. So, I’m standing before you, dressed up and ready. Now, where’s my fucking fairytale?

Universe: Oh, you’re still reading?

Night folks. Happy new year.

underneath the desk i have a very full life.

I awoke at three am. the reasons for that are now inconsequential but it did lead me to a good place – A sunny morning, with Cameron dancing in a pretty dress and telling me how she loved me so much.

Sue arrives in three weeks time. I am so excited for this and am writing an itinerary for it. Woot! Which will, of course, be disseminated, perused and giggled over. Hehe.

My daughter awes me with her big, big love.

My friends stop and fill my heart with their massive love. And their delivered-by-divine-hand liquorice and stars.

My person makes me smile just because he exists, and the million and one reasons beyond that.

Work is busy, but good. Fucking busy but good.

I never have quite told you about the Will and Grace anniversary. I’ll sum it up with this line: here’s to the next ten years.

I have yet to fill you in on how good it was to see the girls, laugh at our differences and samenesses and pop the balloons of life together. Always the trampoline-style smiling of familiarities and being frowned upon for our exuberance by tight-lipped frumps. Not much has changed amongst us, when you get to the core of the matter.

Coming soon, Cam and I will spend a day baking the family Christmas Cake with my mum. Never done that before and Cam is very excited. To be honest, so am I.

And lastly, because I know it will make my mum so proud, I include a transcript of a conversation from last night:

Me: Cameron, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Cam:  A ballet teacher.

=)