the two things i will say on this chat with a friend

they’ve been said this month already but they sum up this cycle of my life right  now.

i know a lot of people see this post and glance over it because it’s not original cath writing, but the truth is i want you to read every word and realise i can’t even write properly right now. all i can do right now  is resonate and attempt to make some sense of my mostly divine, definitely crazy, sometimes-sad-but-i-have-to-keep-smiling life.

orchid – anm

Me, and my helmet such an unconventional kid
All intense and kinetic, at best tolerated from afar
Not yet arrested, and by that I mean betrothed
though a start I am newly courted
I’ve just not been trusted with altars

I’m a sweet piece of work, well intentioned yet disturbed
wrongly labeled and underfed, treated like a rose as an orchid
My friends, as they weigh in, get understandably protective

They have a hard time being objective
So inside we cancel each other out

I’m a sweet piece of work, well intentioned and unloved
unlabeled and misunderstood, treated like a rose as an orchid

You’ve brought water to me, making sure my bloom rebounds
you know best of what my special care allows

So I’ve lived in my blind spot
thought myself usual when I’m not
and your garden is a nice spot
as long as it is brave and where you are

For this sweet piece of work, high maintenance and deserted
I’ve been different and deserving, treated like a rose as an orchid
Sweet piece of work, overwhelmed, unobserved
I’ve been bowed down to but so misread
treated like a rose as an orchid

Will and Grace, Episode 1, Scene XI

“Sweetie, remember in college, we saw that French film about a man and a woman that were perfect for one another, but they kept missing each other, and in the last scene, they meet on a plane, because that’s the way it was destined to be, remember? And you said, “That’s going to be me.” Gracie, you’re just in the middle of your movie. Danny was a plot point, a nice, decent, postcoital-high-5-ing plot point. There’s still time, you know. Go get some Raisinets”

Resonation

I read Apryl, every time she posts.

She and I. She found me one night, I don’t know how. How did you, my friend?

She with the four year old, me with the four year old.

I read this post this evening and it resonated.

Thank you for your courage to say what had been swarming around my head all weekend.

Thank you

Apryl

I still don’t know how you happened upon me, but I’m very very glad to know you.

Apryl is here

69er…

Due to a lack of time to devote to my creative brain, and random thoughtage, I thought I’d

steal this 69er survey from Angel

1.       Are your parents married or divorced? Married. Always. Even though my Dad’s in

Heaven.

2.       Are you a vegetarian? Trying to be proper again.

3.       Do you believe in Heaven?    Yep. Although I think there’s different layers of

Heaven,

4.       Have you ever come close to dying?   Oh yes. I still cringe about it. Poor Ga for

finding me.

5.       What jewelry do you wear? every day, three rings. Each mean a lot to me for

different reasons. One is my own, bought by me the day after I found out I was pregnant with

Cam. The other was given to me by Sue, and the other is one I bought the week after I became

a single mom.

6.       Favorite time of day? Cam’s bedtime story and cuddle time. Morning cuddles too.

7.       Do you eat the stems of broccoli?  Yep. All of it. Pass it on, hold the sauce,

thanks very much.

8.       Do you wear makeup?     Not often at all. You’re lucky if you find it on me twice a

month.

9.       Ever have plastic surgery?    Not, but I am considering it.

10.   Do you color your hair?  Yes, and please tell my mother it’s not going to seep into my

brain. thanks.

11.   What do you wear to bed? Im a pjs fan, but once I’m in bed, it’s undies. But, er, that

depends too on company.

12.   Have you ever done anything illegal?  er, do you wanna invert that question? *ah, my

misspent youth…*

13.   Can you roll your tongue?  not as well as Cam can.

14.   Do you tweeze your eyebrows?    Used to and am petrified to touch them since the very

frenetic weird eyebrow contraption that led to Groucho Marx eyebrows incident of 2005.

15.   What kind of sneakers? My sneakers. My favourite ones are gone. They were left on the

side of a road on the way back from the Splashy we all remember as “the one with pooh”. I

love my cheapola sneakers tho.

16.   Do you still own vinyl? Yes. They’re stashed at my moms

17.   What is your hair color? black, currently.

18.   Future child’s name? Have one. Using it. Cameron.

19.   Do you snore?  Apparently, yes.

20.   If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?  Right now? My bed.

21.   Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Not unless Cam has one with her.

22.   If I won the lottery… I’d be handing out plane tickets to a lot of people.

23.   Gold or silver?         Silver

24.   Hamburger or hot dog?         I can has not dog?

25.   If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Truly? Liquorice.

26.   City, beach or country?       I can’t choose, I’ll have two days of each thanks, with

one day of whichever thrown in.

27.   What was the last thing you touched? My mouse before typing this.

28.   Where did you eat last?  in my lounge, with Cam. We had toasties and green juice with

straws.

29.   When’s the last time you cried?  yesterday. With pride and sadness mixed up togethermy

30.   Do you read blogs?   Oh yes.

31.   Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?  I have. Will has photos. And

video. We don’t show them to people

32.   Ever been involved with the police?  Not romantically, no.

33.   Whats your favorite shampoo, conditioner and soap? I’m loving my Tresemme. I’m loving

my Coconut body scrub.

34.   Do you talk in your sleep?  Yep. It worries me.

35.   Ocean or pool?    Pool. The sea freaks me out a bit.

36.   What’s your favorite song at the moment?  I’m still stuck on a Katy Perry CD (*the

shame*) but, it’s therapeutic.

37.             Hey!!! Where’s the question for#37… I have no idea.

38.   What is your favorite colour/s?         Green.

39.   Ever met anyone famous?  Depends on how you  define ‘famous’.

40.   Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?  Really? mmmmm. I think I have

done well with what I have been given.

41.   Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?  Twirl with the fork. Cath can tell you how. We

do it the same way

42.   Ricki Lake or Oprah?  Anything but Noeleen. Although, Ricki makes me want to not pay

my TV licence.

43.   Basketball or Football?   Neither

44.   How long do your showers last?  They’re usually quick.But, the new house only has a

bath so, we’re into big bubbles and long soaks around these parts.

45.   Automatic, or do you drive a stick?   We don’t talk about this driving thing.

46.   Cake or ice cream?   Ice cream please.

47.   Are you self-conscious?   yes and no, i’ll just choose when I’m going to give a fuck

about what you think.

48.   Have you ever drank so much you threw up?  Yes.

49.   Have you ever given money to a tramp?     Twelve Rand Man w00t!

50.   Have you been in love?  Yes.

51.   Where do you wish you were?  Right where I am.

52.   Are you wearing socks?    Yes. Cute ones. With dots on.

53.   Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?   Not.

54.   Can you tango? V. badly.

55.   Last gift you received?  A plane ticket.

56.   Last sport you played?           No,no, we don’t do that.

57.   Things you spend a lot of money on? Rent, cellphone bill and spoiling Cam.

58.   Where do you live?  Durban

59.   Where were you born?   Durban

60.   Last wedding attended?   Cameron’s uncle.

61.   Favorite alcoholic drink?  if you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain…

62.   What’d you do last weekend?   Super chilled. Family. Baking. being thrown out of house

by Cam because she was cleaning the floors haha

63.   Most hated food/s?  ergh. its winter. i’m putting on my winter coat. Just give it to

me.

64.   What’s your least favourite chore?       Ironing. I am the suck at ironing.

65.   Can you sing?  Not in a way in which other people enjoy.

66.   Last person you instant messaged? Heh. Heh. They’ll know. They’re reading this.

67.   Last place you went on holiday? wah. a proper holiday or a mini break?

68.   Favorite regular drink?     Coca cola, thanks

69.   Current crush?     myself. seriously. I’m trying to remember that I come first. So I’m

crushing on me right now.

Due to a lack of time to devote to my creative brain, and random thoughtage, I thought I’d steal this 69er survey from Angel :)

1.       Are your parents married or divorced?  Married. Always. Even though my Dad’s in Heaven.

2.       Are you a vegetarian? Trying to be proper again.

3.       Do you believe in Heaven?    Yep. Although I think there’s different layers of Heaven.

4.       Have you ever come close to dying?   Oh yes. I still cringe about it. Poor Ga for finding me and taking me to the hospital.

5.       What jewelry do you wear? every day, three rings. Each mean a lot to me for different reasons. One is my own, bought by me the day after I found out I was pregnant with Cam. The other was given to me by Sue, and the other is one I bought the week after I became a single mom.

6.       Favorite time of day? Cam’s bedtime story and cuddle time. Morning cuddles too.

7.       Do you eat the stems of broccoli?  Yep. All of it. Pass it on, hold the sauce, thanks very much.

8.       Do you wear makeup?     Not often at all. You’re lucky if you find it on me twice a month.

9.       Ever have plastic surgery?    Not, but I am considering it.

10.   Do you color your hair?  Yes, and please tell my mother it’s not going to seep into my brain. thanks.

11.   What do you wear to bed? Im a pjs fan, but once I’m in bed, it’s undies. But, er, that depends too on company.

12.   Have you ever done anything illegal?  er, do you wanna invert that question? *ah, my misspent youth…*

13.   Can you roll your tongue?  not as well as Cam can.

14.   Do you tweeze your eyebrows?    Used to and am petrified to touch them since the very frenetic weird eyebrow contraption that led to Groucho Marx eyebrows incident of 2005.

15.   What kind of sneakers? My sneakers. My favourite ones are gone. They were left on the side of a road on the way back from the Splashy we all remember as “the one with pooh and the tent, and having 15 people realise I’m either completely mad or completely right incident”. I love my cheapola sneakers tho.

16.   Do you still own vinyl? Yes. They’re stashed at my moms

17.   What is your hair color? black, currently.

18.   Future child’s name? Have one. Using it. Cameron.

19.   Do you snore?  Apparently, yes.

20.   If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?  Right now? My bed.

21.   Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Not unless Cam has one with her.

22.   If I won the lottery… I’d be handing out plane tickets to a lot of people.

23.   Gold or silver?         Silver

24.   Hamburger or hot dog?         I can has not dog?

25.   If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?    Truly? Liquorice.

26.   City, beach or country?       I can’t choose, I’ll have two days of each thanks, with one day of whichever thrown in.

27.   What was the last thing you touched? My mouse before typing this.

28.   Where did you eat last?  in my lounge, with Cam. We had toasties and green juice with straws.

29.   When’s the last time you cried?  yesterday. With pride and sadness mixed up together.

30.   Do you read blogs?   Oh yes.

31.   Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?  I have. Will has photos. And video. We don’t show them to people

32.   Ever been involved with the police?  Not romantically, no.

33.   Whats your favorite shampoo, conditioner and soap? I’m loving my Tresemme. I’m loving my Coconut body scrub.

34.   Do you talk in your sleep?  Yep. It worries me.

35.   Ocean or pool?    Pool. The sea freaks me out a bit.

36.   What’s your favorite song at the moment?  I’m still stuck on a Katy Perry CD (*the shame*) but, it’s therapeutic.

37.             Hey!!! Where’s the question for#37… I have no idea.

38.   What is your favorite colour/s?         Green.

39.   Ever met anyone famous?  Depends on how you  define ‘famous’.

40.   Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?  Really? mmmmm. I think I have done well with what I have been given.

41.   Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?  Twirl with the fork. Cath can tell you how. We do it the same way

42.   Ricki Lake or Oprah?  Anything but Noeleen. Although, Ricki makes me want to not pay my TV licence.

43.   Basketball or Football?   Neither

44.   How long do your showers last?  They’re usually quick.But, the new house only has a bath so, we’re into big bubbles and long soaks around these parts.

45.   Automatic, or do you drive a stick?   We don’t talk about this driving thing.

46.   Cake or ice cream?   Ice cream please.

47.   Are you self-conscious?   yes and no, i’ll just choose when I’m going to give a fuck about what you think.

48.   Have you ever drank so much you threw up?  Yes.

49.   Have you ever given money to a tramp?     Twelve Rand Man w00t!

50.   Have you been in love?  Yes.

51.   Where do you wish you were?  Right where I am.

52.   Are you wearing socks?    Yes. Cute ones. With dots on.

53.   Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?   Not.

54.   Can you tango? V. badly.

55.   Last gift you received?  A plane ticket.

56.   Last sport you played?     No. No, we don’t do that.

57.   Things you spend a lot of money on? Rent, cellphone bill and spoiling Cam.

58.   Where do you live?  Durban

59.   Where were you born?   Durban

60.   Last wedding attended?   Cameron’s uncle.

61.   Favorite alcoholic drink?  if you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain…

62.   What’d you do last weekend?   Super chilled. Family. Baking. being thrown out of house by Cam because she was cleaning the floors haha

63.   Most hated food/s?  ergh. its winter. i’m putting on my winter coat. Just give it to me.

64.   What’s your least favourite chore?    Ironing. I am the suck at ironing.

65.   Can you sing?  Not in a way in which other people enjoy.

66.   Last person you instant messaged? Heh. Heh. They’ll know. They’re reading this.

67.   Last place you went on holiday? wah. a proper holiday or a mini break?

68.   Favorite regular drink?     Coca cola, thanks

69.   Current crush?   Er.  seriously? I think I am in deep and real love with a member of Take That (sarcasm, people, sarcasm).

sometimes

Sometimes you read something and you think…

I’ve been here. I know this. This is a universe I have had my feet planted in, even when I did not want to walk there.

That’s resonation. A liberating experience of not feeling alone because somebody, somewhere feels the way you have felt.

Most of the time, the inner, bitter loneliness we feel is compounded by having what feels like a million people around you. I know, the loneliest I’ve ever felt was in a room full of people I loved.

That said, I hope, that my friend does not feel alone today. I resonated with her post.

And I just wanted to say that. For her to know it.

I want you to go here and read this

because it resonated so very, very much.

Thank you Le Ms Jackson Files.

resonation

as always, Bee and I share the same mind and pretty much the same lives.

it’s here.

life, stuff and all that goes inbetween

for a friend

A friend of mine, is facing life head on…and it’s not an easy ride.

Her life has taken some interesting and fruitful twists and turns and even on her hardest days, she has always been there for me. Endlessly.

If I told you that she has stuck with me, through darkest days and brightest suns, and seen beyond herself in every way, in every day, you’d understand.

She has been there for me and Cameron, above, beyond and sideways into the call of duty and  friendship.

She is never ashamed to admit defeat or fault, and always quick to recognise and honour the best in a person.

If I told you that this a woman who fears nothing, not even failure.

In everything she does, she gives of herself and then some. She never gives up.

She inspires me every day. Cam has told me that one day she would like to grow up to be just like her.

And life, life has dealt my friend a dud turn of events. She needs all the love and strength in the world to get through this rut and out into the stream of life she deserves to swim in.

She needs to take a situation of head, heart, mind, life, soul, past and future, and face it. Face it without fear.

I know she will. I know she will shine through to a sunnier day, and a starry night.

She deserves every sunny day and every single starry night.

But, for now, this post is for her.

She resonated with this quote so much, and so today, I’m thinking of her, as I raise my teacup and type this out.

Courage does not always roar. sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says “i will try again tomorrow” – mary anne radmacher

Love you, mz star. Your army awaits you.

random resonation

here