SOTD – Break – ANM

This is just how I feel today. i know i need my holiday, badly. i know i need quiet and i need a hug.

i know i’m not alone in this.

it’s normal to feel this way.

there’s too much going on/not enough normalcy and quiet/not enough sleep/not enough me time/too much pressure to constantly be okay with this/at least i have  a special rant person i can rant to and have it be okay.

i need to shout. i need my annual stand-at-top-of-mountain-scream-cry-go-insane-just-for-a-bit-yell-stomp-my-foot-and-hit-stuff.

i know it will calm down again. i know i am a skip and a jump away from some time away. but, i need this, this thing.. i’ll enbolden it for you.

it’s just. right now. i need to shout. and i know i need a big, ugly, yelping cry. because i need to let this shit go. and i battle to let things go.

but i have no time to have one. no space to unbundle it. no place to put it.

break – anm

Indeed I
Have sucked it up to heights
Unknown to those outside

My body has contained and suppressed
And swallowed and abetted
Oh I am a stranger to myself
Beneath altruism dwells
A force uncontended
A voice that is tempered
To boiled and unhindered

Who am I kidding?
I am not some Mother Theresa
If I don’t say something soon
I will break from the weight of the high road I take
No

Indeed I need my chance to fail
Some room to unravel
I need a chance to blame for two minutes
Unbridled, unbrazened
So I need imaginings of maiming
Fantasies of outright screaming
I need a chance to thrash for minutes
Uncontained, unforgiving

Who am I kidding?
I am not some Mother Theresa
If I don’t do something soon
I will die from restraint
As a sick subjugate
No

I will move beyond, I’m certain of that
The sooner I go the quicker I’ll be back
I would not threaten or cause you any harm
Have to get this out or my light will go out

Who am I kidding?
I am not some Mother Theresa
If I don’t do something soon
I will die from restraint
As a sick subjugate

SOTD – Just – Henry Ate

Lately I’ve been thinking what if I was wrong
And the world never meant you and I to belong
We’d have wasted so much time building castles in the sky
Only to watch them all fall down
Would it be all of our dreams so well suited to you and I
Could only be half acquired would it be worthwhile?

If I could just understand this
I might then try forgiveness
Know that I will, each time I feel
You’ll be by, you’ll be by, you’ll be by my side
In the end, we’ll still be friends
Ain’t it shocking how your sympathetic world amends
And in time, you’ll realise
I’m not what I seem inside
I go wild, I go wild, I go wild

Lately I’ve been thinking what if you were wrong
And all the things you’ve taken were never meant to be gone
You’d have given a gift from above so freely having given no thoughts to love
And would it be all of your dreams so better suited to someone like me
I would watch you achieve wouldn’t that make me so damn unhappy
On the level thinking back – I…

No if I could just understand this
I might then try forgiveness
Know that I will, each time I feel
You’ll be by, you’ll be by, you’ll be by my side
In the end, we’ll still be friends
Ain’t it shocking how your sympathetic world amends
And in time, you’ll realise
I’m not what I seem inside
I go wild, I go wild, I go wild
No if I could just

Stuff, Me and an SOTD

STUFF

The aforementioned, stuff, is going on. this post has nothing to do with anyone reading it.

I really fucking mean that.

ME

Weird things happen when you take a step back.

In the quiet hides a deceitful monster, huddled in the corner.

In the quiet i find my peace, in the other corner, exploring my innards for myself.

But

When that monster huddle spouts forth their lies.

When that monster’s deceit comes clean.

I rise up.

In peace.

Not pieces.

In peace.

I do not stay,

I do not slay,

I merely

Walk away.

SOTD - Unprodigal Daughter – Alanis Morissette

I had disengaged to avoid being totalled
I would run away and say good riddance, soon enough
I had grown disgusted by your small-minded ceiling
Imagine myself bolting had not been difficult
Soon be my life
Soon be my pace
Soon be my choice of which you’ll have no part of
Unprodigal daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed
I hit the ground running, although I know not what toward
I hit the town feeling, forgetting all that came before
I felt primed and ready, once surrounded by the pawns
I felt culture shocked, but dissuaded, I was not
This is my town
This is my voice
This is my taste of which you’ve have no part of
Unprodigal daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed

One day I’ll saddle back and speak of foreign adventures
One day I’ll double back and tell you about these unfettered years
One day I’ll look back and feel something other than relieved
Glad that I left when I did before, I know you, you can’t get the best of me

When I’d speak of artistry you would roll your eyes skyward
When I’d speak of spirituality you would label it absurd
When I spoke of possibility you would frown and shake your head
If I had stayed much longer, I’d have surely imploded
These are my words
This is my house
These are my friends of which you’ve had no part

Unprodigal daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed

Unprodigal daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed

Alarm Call – Bjork – SOTD

I know I’ve said it before, and posted the video. But this is one of those songs they’d put on the Greatest Hits of All Times compilation of Cath’s Life.

Alarm Call – Bjork.

I have walked this earth
And watched people

It doesn’t scare me at all

I can be sincere
And say I like them

It doesn’t scare me at all

You can’t say no to hope
Can’t say no to happiness

I want to go on a mountain-top
With a radio and good batteries
And play a joyous tune and
Free the human race
From suffering

It doesn’t scare me at all

I’m no fucking buddhist
But this is enlightenment

The less room you give me
The more space I’ve got

It doesnt scare me at all

You can’t say no to hope
Can’t say no to happiness

It doesn’t scare me at all

I want to be on a mountain-top
With a radio and good batteries
And play a joyous tune and
Free the
A-human race
From suffering

It doesn’t scare me at all

This is an alarm-call
So wake-up, wake-up now
Today has never happened
And it doesnt frighten me

It doesn’t scare me at all

You can’t say no to hope
You can’t say no to happiness

It doesn’t scare me at all

Because, dudes, it doesn’t scare me at all.

SOTD Friday

So,  here’s the thing.

Mine had me waking up this morning with this song in my head.

The last text of the day.

Everyone needs one.

I keep dancing.

Nothing changes.

I throw the punches and we laugh together at my dis-coordinated ways.

You keep dancing.

Nothing changes.

You smile and still, still the world lights up.

I need this weekend. So much. I need this weekend to shut my computer, my brain, my heart, down.

Just for a bit. Just to recoup. Just to muse. Just to remember who I am. To sleep.

The first day I heard this song I was fifteen, and probably not as fabulous as I thought I was.

That said, at least I was trying.

The first day I heard this song, I was on a field, under the sunshine, dancing to this great band (then Henry Ate) that would probably be on my walkman for  a long time.

They were. They still are. Except now it’s on my iPod as I walk down the street.

To imagine a day without you means to lose one day of my own life. That never changes. It just can’t and won’t.

Trust me on that one. Like you trust me with toasties.

In exactly the same way, that I’m really still that girl in the sunshine, attempting fabulousness.

I feel you were there all along. Strange as it seems.

I always knew somewhere, you were.

I knew you were going to be here long before you even knew which stickers you wanted on your car.

I knew it at fifteen, just like I know it today.

I always know you are.

That’s never going to change.

Trust me on that one. Like you trust me with toasties.

SOTD Thursday

Because, you know, I’m always thinking about something.

This morning’s sunrise was cold and blurry.

But snuggled in under the covers, this was playing in my head.

It’s one of my favourite all time songs.

It’s just very honest.

I own this movie. I will watch it this weekend.

After I get through this insane work week.

It’s just how I’ve felt about a lot of situations.

I think it’s human.

I think it’s honest.

I think it’s pretty much the stuff I never say.

I think it’s pretty much the stuff people never say.

“You know it’s never been easy to love someone like me”

SOTD for today

Because it’s Will’s birthday, today’s SOTD is here

and then she says…whilst she dances into the weekend…

it’s the weekend. so i’m looking forward to chilling out, getting a violin (this is codespeak. people. seriously. you know about me and anything requiring coordination. this codespeak is for a friend) and extreme cammertime.

Sunshine, please? I have been brave and good, and present this week.

Very present. In every moment. it has been good, indeed. Mostly because i got to be clear, and blunt and focused.

have a good weekend, you audience of eleven.

Anyway, this is on my iTunes today.  Mostly because, Neen, Bee and Angel were singing along songs with me. You gals rock. Mostly because, I can rock on my chair (this is a genetic characteristic) to it.

bent for you ~ anm

you’re unsure and you’re not ready so that must mean I want you
you’re unavailable and disinterested and to you I look for comfort

a million times in a million ways I will try to change you
a million months and a million days I’ll try to somehow convince you

I have waited for you and adjusted for you and I’m done
I have deferred to you and enabled you and I’m done

you’re too young or you’re too old or you’re simply not inclined
you’re asleep or you’re withholding be that my cue to crave you

several times in several ways I’ll try to squeeze love from you
several hours and several ways I’ll feast on scraps thrown from you

I have bent for you and I’ve deprived for you and I’m done
I have depressed for you and contorted for you and I’m done
I have stifled for you and I’ve compromised for you and I’m done
I have stunted for you and sacrificed for you and I’m done

it won’t be long before I am reclaimed
it won’t take long and I’ll be on path again
it won’t be easy for us to disengage
I’m at the end of self deprivation stage

you’re afraid of every woman afraid of your inner workings
you cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me, god and everything

a million times and a million ways I’ve tried to alter to match you
several times every several days I’ve tried to uncrush on you

sssssssshhhhhhh, you said.

So I said, okay.

Es Oh Tea Dee

I am totally channelling this song today…

The video’s here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqW9YoL401I

I wake up every evening
With a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place.
And you’re still probably working
At a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell

Now where’s your picket fence love
And where’s that shiny car
Did it ever get you far?
You never seemed so tense, love
Never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are?

Truth be told I miss you
Truth be told I’m lying

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that’s worth the damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool you’re just as well hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Tomorrow you’ll be thinking to yourself
Where did it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on
Truth be told I miss you
Truth be told I’m lying

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that’s worth the damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool you’re just as well hope it gives you hell

Now you’ll never see
What you’ve done to me
You can take back your memories
They’re no good to me
And here’s all your lies
If you look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that’s worth the damn and treats you well
Then he’s a fool you’re just as well hope it gives you hell

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell (hope it gives you hell)
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell (hope it gives you hell)
When you hear this song and you sing along well you’ll never tell
And you’re the fool I’ve just as well I hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
You can sing along I hope it puts you through hell