sotd

 

here

i promise i’m here, really.

just so super busy.

on all fronts.

which is good.

just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming

X

SOTD – Break – ANM

This is just how I feel today. i know i need my holiday, badly. i know i need quiet and i need a hug.

i know i’m not alone in this.

it’s normal to feel this way.

there’s too much going on/not enough normalcy and quiet/not enough sleep/not enough me time/too much pressure to constantly be okay with this/at least i have  a special rant person i can rant to and have it be okay.

i need to shout. i need my annual stand-at-top-of-mountain-scream-cry-go-insane-just-for-a-bit-yell-stomp-my-foot-and-hit-stuff.

i know it will calm down again. i know i am a skip and a jump away from some time away. but, i need this, this thing.. i’ll enbolden it for you.

it’s just. right now. i need to shout. and i know i need a big, ugly, yelping cry. because i need to let this shit go. and i battle to let things go.

but i have no time to have one. no space to unbundle it. no place to put it.

break – anm

Indeed I
Have sucked it up to heights
Unknown to those outside

My body has contained and suppressed
And swallowed and abetted
Oh I am a stranger to myself
Beneath altruism dwells
A force uncontended
A voice that is tempered
To boiled and unhindered

Who am I kidding?
I am not some Mother Theresa
If I don’t say something soon
I will break from the weight of the high road I take
No

Indeed I need my chance to fail
Some room to unravel
I need a chance to blame for two minutes
Unbridled, unbrazened
So I need imaginings of maiming
Fantasies of outright screaming
I need a chance to thrash for minutes
Uncontained, unforgiving

Who am I kidding?
I am not some Mother Theresa
If I don’t do something soon
I will die from restraint
As a sick subjugate
No

I will move beyond, I’m certain of that
The sooner I go the quicker I’ll be back
I would not threaten or cause you any harm
Have to get this out or my light will go out

Who am I kidding?
I am not some Mother Theresa
If I don’t do something soon
I will die from restraint
As a sick subjugate

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Just on repeat today

I am really, really tired. Inspired, but tired.

And far too contemplative for someone so busy.

I currently hope good things come of this thinking.

Entertain me for the tenth hour in a row again

Anesthetize me with your gossip and many random anecdotes

And fill every hour with activity or ear candy

Drop me off at intersections in any city metropolitan

And keep me in this state

And keep me purgatorying

And sing me back to sleep

This is far more than I had bargained for

Start every week with a break-neck urgent design

And end every speed day with my briefcase representing free time

Spending my fruits my purchases become my lifeline

Please give my love to my family

I’ll doubtfully be home at christmas time

Don’t disturb me in this state

Please leave me purgatorying

I’ll be damned if i’m to wake

This is far more than i am equipped for

I’ve held you up like a deity

Like you’re the sole owner of wings

This unrequited tunnel vision

And i wonder why i’ve not been writing

Please keep me in this state

Please keep me purgatorying

Please rock me back to sleep

This love is more than – than i have bargained for

I’ll be damned if i’m to wake

This is far more than i’m equipped for

purgatorying – anm

Entertain me for the tenth hour in a row again

Anesthetize me with your gossip and many random anecdotes

And fill every hour with activity or ear candy

Drop me off at intersections in any city metropolitan

And keep me in this state

And keep me purgatorying

And sing me back to sleep

This is far more than I had bargained for

Start every week with a break-neck urgent design

And end every speed day with my briefcase representing free time

Spending my fruits my purchases become my lifeline

Please give my love to my family

I’ll doubtfully be home at christmas time

Don’t disturb me in this state

Please leave me purgatorying

I’ll be damned if i’m to wake

This is far more than i am equipped for

I’ve held you up like a deity

Like you’re the sole owner of wings

This unrequited tunnel vision

And i wonder why i’ve not been writing

Please keep me in this state

Please keep me purgatorying

Please rock me back to sleep

This love is more than – than i have bargained for

I’ll be damned if i’m to wake

This is far more than i’m equipped for

SOTD – Just – Henry Ate

Lately I’ve been thinking what if I was wrong
And the world never meant you and I to belong
We’d have wasted so much time building castles in the sky
Only to watch them all fall down
Would it be all of our dreams so well suited to you and I
Could only be half acquired would it be worthwhile?

If I could just understand this
I might then try forgiveness
Know that I will, each time I feel
You’ll be by, you’ll be by, you’ll be by my side
In the end, we’ll still be friends
Ain’t it shocking how your sympathetic world amends
And in time, you’ll realise
I’m not what I seem inside
I go wild, I go wild, I go wild

Lately I’ve been thinking what if you were wrong
And all the things you’ve taken were never meant to be gone
You’d have given a gift from above so freely having given no thoughts to love
And would it be all of your dreams so better suited to someone like me
I would watch you achieve wouldn’t that make me so damn unhappy
On the level thinking back – I…

No if I could just understand this
I might then try forgiveness
Know that I will, each time I feel
You’ll be by, you’ll be by, you’ll be by my side
In the end, we’ll still be friends
Ain’t it shocking how your sympathetic world amends
And in time, you’ll realise
I’m not what I seem inside
I go wild, I go wild, I go wild
No if I could just

By the way.

1. this monday can suck my toe. and not in the kinky way.

2. i heart my funny, honest friends.

3. i love you, Cam. So so much.

4. i find it strange but i’ll go with it. talking like that changed the world again. in a good way.

5. busy, busy, busy.

soon soon

soon soon, this little piece of me will have a new home.

keep watching

the post where she updates, properly…

Hello Audience of Twelve,

How are YOU doing? Apologies for being so relatively, unprolific. It’s been a busy time.

There’s some housekeeping I need to do so, here goes (and yes, its a little numerical list just for the super-awesome and newly-engaged Glugster )

1. Awards, Kudos and General Brilliance:

So it turns out, I got an award! twice! So, to my sweetheart friends in the computer and beyond, Angel and Acidicice , I say thank you for this:

And, as is tradition, I need to pass this on…

So…

Hey, ExMi, mother of my future son-in-law and you fullashit fantastic woman , this is for you (inclusive of a big, sloppy wet kiss with tongue heh):

2. I’ve Been Thinking:

I’ve been meaning to say this for a while. It’s been building up and swarming around my head. To the person who once told me “that’s what you get for living your life on the Internet” and who incidentally and weirdly, is/was/possibly/who gives a flying fuck now anyway, someone who works on/with the Internet itself…

I say, Yeah. Dude. This is what I get for living my life on the Internet as you so un-eloquently put it. For being brave, for being open, when I could. For being myself in the face of everything. Of mud slung and words bandied around. For the amount I’ve times I’ve been told to shut down, to shut up and to leave things alone. For the times where I’ve been told I’m doing my daughter a disservice by sharing our life together. For the times where I apparently made you uncomfortable, and for the times when you complained that you were not the spotlight. How sad it is that my old blog is no longer. How liberating it is, too. How I only really know why that is liberating. How I only really know how free I feel. How I only really know how “living my life on the Internet” has brought me more joy, companionship, no-bullshit-and-baggage friends. How I only really know, that if I were to list the number of times I have been stunned by the love I’ve found from people not afraid to reach beyond the monitor. This year, this year has been testament to it. This year has been testament to the fact that I’m not just “fucking around and talking to noone who doesn’t really know you anyway, not like I do”.

(on that note, dude, your grammar always sucked. heh)

To you, to you, I say…if I look at my life, in all it’s hard-won beauty – sometimes wobbly, sometimes curved, sometimes splendid, always looking forward…

I can thank this habit of mine you so loathed, for ninety percent of the good things in my life.  Loathed so much by you, you told me to stop and when I did not, you made it go away. And when you finally went away, it was here to hold my hand. I can share every part of myself. Even the parts that scared you. They don’t scare me at all.

To you, I say, fuck you. You who cannot look me in the face.

To you, I say, fuck you. As you read this. And, yes, I know you are.

So, when I look at my year thus far, I have done and had so much happen as a direct result of this. Directly because of the courage I have fought so hard to have. And the love I and Cameron have felt. My friends, you awe me. Just, thank you. The people I am so lucky to work with, play with, meet with, laugh with, talk with, I say, THANK YOU. The people who cross both those boundaries, I say thank you. I cannot wait to see all of you. You know who you are and you all know when. Heh.

It is this that has helped me to be the person I always wanted to be. Sure, it’s a growth process. Sure, it’s an eternal evolution but, for the first time , ever, I truly feel like I am on my way. Without abandon. Without boundary. Without a muzzle. Without someone or something holding me back. Without inhibition. Free.

3. Mama Love:

This morning, I awoke early after an early night of hitting the pillow – so rare it deserves it’s own status update ROTFL, and went to do my morning coffee, smoke, bath, hair, rummage for breakfast… And when I walked back into our rather-large-rather-love-it-bedroom…  There was my daughter, sitting on the end of her bed, watching the sunrise, fully dressed (by herself!), brushing her hair. And she called me and said…

“mama, look at the sunrise. it’s all pink. just for me, mama. the sun is pink for me today. and for you”.

Dear Cameron, the reason the sun rises every day in my life, is you. You are epitome of love. The ultimate snugglebunny, and every day, your uninhibited love for the world. Your boundless love for me. Little me. Me, who thought she was not worthy for s0 long. Me, who did not even know how to change a nappy when you were born (true story –  even practicing on dolls didn’t help). Me, who looks at you every day, over dinner whilst we clink our glasses of green juice and say “same same” as we touch forks before we eat (yeah, that’s how we roll in our house, hehe), and thinks “of all the things I have had happen in my life, you are  the best thing that ever, ever did”.

You, the unexpected. You, the every day surprise and divine love.

Dear Cameron, thank you. Mama loves you.

4. Cath, indeed:

And, Cath. Cath is busy. Cath is feeling vaguely frustrated with some things in her life but, they are not to keep me that way for long. Cath is keeping inspired by reading alot. And when something touches her, she bookmarks it and sometimes she shares it too. This one, I’m sharing. Mostly because it’s written by a person I respect a mucho, who can make me laugh on a bad day, and who happens to be related to a person of whom I am quite fond. Heh.

5. Lastly:

There are a few unexpected things in store. Watch out for them.

Channelling Jen Barber

You know Jen… when Aunt Irma takes over and she becomes Death Angel from hell?

Yes. That’s me too.

Channelling Jen Barber. All the way.