my favourite word is mama

there you were.

at the end of a hard day, i was back in the proverbial saddle at work, fighting fires and trying not to grimace but, to truly smile.

you jumped off the swings at school, ran towards me, the word “mama!” leaping from your lips.

your eyes sparkled as though i was the easter bunny, christmas father /that’s your name for him/, the tooth fairy and the birthday fairy, all rolled into one.

you kissed my face and i knew.

i knew i was home.

so, we went home, into my room where presents waited for you.

my favourite word to hear is mama.

my favourite person is you.

A word on The Forge

So, where have I been all this time? Ensconced at The Forge, that’s where.

Some people don’t know this, and I think they should – The Forge is the only place in the world where they really SHOULD want to work.

The energy abounds, and the team environment that exists is not superficial, it’s personal. It’s deep and real and there is never a moment where you are left to just ‘get on with it’. There’s banter, there’s laughter, there’s picking on each other (Hey, Brendon, nice guns ) and there is real care.

The truth is, I’ve had two personal things happen whilst I’ve been here – both of them disconcertingly scary – first, my mom is in hospital, recovering from a serious operation. You missed that one, didn’t you? Yeah. She is. And she’s recovering. But, on Monday morning whilst she was in theatre, I was beyond concerned. And the moment I had word that my mum was out of theatre and in recovery, everyone breathed a sigh of relief with me, not just for me.

Then, on the same day, I learnt that I had lost a family member in waiting. I’m not going into details on this one but, it broke my heart to know that Cam will never know this person. And she was so excited to meet them. Rest in peace little one. And, in my other life, away from here, I would have felt so alone at that time. But, I didn’t. Not even a little bit. Everyone was sad with me, not just for me.

Are you seeing the difference here? I am.

And then there is the work that I do at The Forge. The glorious play that I can have with words and researching. I learn so much, every day, and totally get to bug the crap out of Chris. Hehe.

I’ve never worked with such a team. A natural team. It’s not forced, there are no silly team shirts and there is no demanded-upon team building with arsey pyramids and cheerleading. It’s an energy that exists just because it does. I don’t know how Sue did it, but she does.

It’s focused, it’s caring, it’s committed and it’s real. And that pervades into every single piece of work that emanates from The Forge. The fact is, if you want to be a client that is cared for, cared about and work with a team that is inherently interested in what you do and how you do it, you want to have The Forge with you.

And for all this greatness, I blame one person. Sue. Sue, the creator of beautiful things, Sue, the writer who speaks her truth without fear. Sue, who awes me with her endless love for those around her. Sue, the woman I am proud to call my friend. Sue, who makes all things possible.

I love you my friends. Thank you so much for this time. It’s true when I say, that you have changed my world.

I am footed in gratitude. And buoyed by love. Thank you.

twelve random monday thoughts as i sit here

1. I am a lucky, lucky fucker.

2. I’ve never been this relaxed. Ever. That’s all there is to it.

3. They’re gonna have to draaaaaaaaaaaaag my ass home.

4. As I sit here typing, Sue is to my right. And I am just awed.

5. Awed. Can I tell you this, audience of twelve? Here is my gorgeous fried, a woman who works hard, loves without abandon and does everything in her power, every day, to live her life to the full, and moreover, help everyone around her, at all times. She has the time for everyone, for every nuance of life, and does not mind my insane mess in the room I’m staying in. No really, it’s a mess.

That aside, when I walked in on Wednesday and finally got to see my amazing friend, and hugged her, I felt like home. I just felt home. I can’t ever thank Sue enough for this time, in her home, in her office, in her space. Where I truly feel zen. And inspired. And compelled towards being a better-than-I-am-Cath.

6. The people. I’m surrounded by gorgeous, divine, funny people. Chris, who makes me laugh so much. So passionate. Brendon. Beyond clever. Beyond divine. Gabriel. Hilarious storyteller. JoC. My friend. She who is now beyond her comfort zones. The amazing Forge team. I just have no words.

7. The people. The Justin. Hilarious and honest and so much fun it scares me. We could talk for years and never be finished. The Andre. My friend with the moon photo that saved my day so often. The BC. What do I say there? Hey, at least I didn’t bail on you!  The Heather. Mama to be and so full of love.  The Scott. The funnyman with heart.

8. Rocking the Daisies. The infamous, brilliant Byron. The superwoman Cath. The crazy and funny Elan. The musicalmover Gabi. All the beautiful people.

9. The random things. The random man opening our tent at 3am. The random naked people at RTD. The cold lake swimmingness. The tunes, the feel of the ground beneath my feet. The chilly wind. The man with the mattress tied to the top of his car. The fact that Sue has the same mugs as me at home.

10. Were it not for Cam and some members of the audience reading this, waiting for me to come home, I would never leave.

11. Thank you so much my friends. Thank you so so much for this time. This heart-time, and quiet.

12.I am so blessed.

X

So much to tell

all of it divine.

I am a  blessed Cath.

See? I really am here :)

And the proof is…

Right here, bitches, right here

I’m here

I’m so here. its unbelievable.

I am Zen Master Princess.

Thank you Sue

XXX

catch you soon.

i’ll be under the radar and quiet. for at least a week. i may or may not blog. depends really. don’t be hurt by that.

sometimes i need a little cath time. this is cath time.

be good. don’t fight. love each other. make peace with the fact that you are only as much as you can be. don’t let people tread on you. ignore destructive commentary. love the compliments. honour each day. remember to say please and thank you. make sure you get your chocolate rations in, every day. laugh. listen to children. always listen to children. they are more honest than you could ever hope to be. they’re the courageous ones. remember that. they’re untempered by real life, yet. don’t let anything or anyone keep you down. shit is bound to get you down, it’s the staying down that’s the problem. This picture is for you.

And, Cam. Cam. Mama loves you. You and your gorgeous hugs. You and your stellar smile.

You and the brightest eyes. You bounded out of bed this morning and said

“mom. you’re going to catch a plane. i want a big box of different coloured earrings from cape town. that’s my present. tell aunty sue so that she can remind you”

i love you munchkin. i love you my Campai. this will be the longest time ever i will be away from you.

remember what we know about Mommies and Camerons…

They Always Come Back.

And, as moral fibre reminded me, and which i wear proudly on a shirt,

Don’t Let Anyone Fuck With Your Dreams.

the post where she updates, properly…

Hello Audience of Twelve,

How are YOU doing? Apologies for being so relatively, unprolific. It’s been a busy time.

There’s some housekeeping I need to do so, here goes (and yes, its a little numerical list just for the super-awesome and newly-engaged Glugster )

1. Awards, Kudos and General Brilliance:

So it turns out, I got an award! twice! So, to my sweetheart friends in the computer and beyond, Angel and Acidicice , I say thank you for this:

And, as is tradition, I need to pass this on…

So…

Hey, ExMi, mother of my future son-in-law and you fullashit fantastic woman , this is for you (inclusive of a big, sloppy wet kiss with tongue heh):

2. I’ve Been Thinking:

I’ve been meaning to say this for a while. It’s been building up and swarming around my head. To the person who once told me “that’s what you get for living your life on the Internet” and who incidentally and weirdly, is/was/possibly/who gives a flying fuck now anyway, someone who works on/with the Internet itself…

I say, Yeah. Dude. This is what I get for living my life on the Internet as you so un-eloquently put it. For being brave, for being open, when I could. For being myself in the face of everything. Of mud slung and words bandied around. For the amount I’ve times I’ve been told to shut down, to shut up and to leave things alone. For the times where I’ve been told I’m doing my daughter a disservice by sharing our life together. For the times where I apparently made you uncomfortable, and for the times when you complained that you were not the spotlight. How sad it is that my old blog is no longer. How liberating it is, too. How I only really know why that is liberating. How I only really know how free I feel. How I only really know how “living my life on the Internet” has brought me more joy, companionship, no-bullshit-and-baggage friends. How I only really know, that if I were to list the number of times I have been stunned by the love I’ve found from people not afraid to reach beyond the monitor. This year, this year has been testament to it. This year has been testament to the fact that I’m not just “fucking around and talking to noone who doesn’t really know you anyway, not like I do”.

(on that note, dude, your grammar always sucked. heh)

To you, to you, I say…if I look at my life, in all it’s hard-won beauty – sometimes wobbly, sometimes curved, sometimes splendid, always looking forward…

I can thank this habit of mine you so loathed, for ninety percent of the good things in my life.  Loathed so much by you, you told me to stop and when I did not, you made it go away. And when you finally went away, it was here to hold my hand. I can share every part of myself. Even the parts that scared you. They don’t scare me at all.

To you, I say, fuck you. You who cannot look me in the face.

To you, I say, fuck you. As you read this. And, yes, I know you are.

So, when I look at my year thus far, I have done and had so much happen as a direct result of this. Directly because of the courage I have fought so hard to have. And the love I and Cameron have felt. My friends, you awe me. Just, thank you. The people I am so lucky to work with, play with, meet with, laugh with, talk with, I say, THANK YOU. The people who cross both those boundaries, I say thank you. I cannot wait to see all of you. You know who you are and you all know when. Heh.

It is this that has helped me to be the person I always wanted to be. Sure, it’s a growth process. Sure, it’s an eternal evolution but, for the first time , ever, I truly feel like I am on my way. Without abandon. Without boundary. Without a muzzle. Without someone or something holding me back. Without inhibition. Free.

3. Mama Love:

This morning, I awoke early after an early night of hitting the pillow – so rare it deserves it’s own status update ROTFL, and went to do my morning coffee, smoke, bath, hair, rummage for breakfast… And when I walked back into our rather-large-rather-love-it-bedroom…  There was my daughter, sitting on the end of her bed, watching the sunrise, fully dressed (by herself!), brushing her hair. And she called me and said…

“mama, look at the sunrise. it’s all pink. just for me, mama. the sun is pink for me today. and for you”.

Dear Cameron, the reason the sun rises every day in my life, is you. You are epitome of love. The ultimate snugglebunny, and every day, your uninhibited love for the world. Your boundless love for me. Little me. Me, who thought she was not worthy for s0 long. Me, who did not even know how to change a nappy when you were born (true story –  even practicing on dolls didn’t help). Me, who looks at you every day, over dinner whilst we clink our glasses of green juice and say “same same” as we touch forks before we eat (yeah, that’s how we roll in our house, hehe), and thinks “of all the things I have had happen in my life, you are  the best thing that ever, ever did”.

You, the unexpected. You, the every day surprise and divine love.

Dear Cameron, thank you. Mama loves you.

4. Cath, indeed:

And, Cath. Cath is busy. Cath is feeling vaguely frustrated with some things in her life but, they are not to keep me that way for long. Cath is keeping inspired by reading alot. And when something touches her, she bookmarks it and sometimes she shares it too. This one, I’m sharing. Mostly because it’s written by a person I respect a mucho, who can make me laugh on a bad day, and who happens to be related to a person of whom I am quite fond. Heh.

5. Lastly:

There are a few unexpected things in store. Watch out for them.

Wordless Wednesday

Sue bought this outfit for Cam.

She’s been wearing it non-stop since she unwrapped it.

According to Cameron,

the locket of the necklace  contains “super love”.

This picture sums up my reason for breathing.