sunday’s random thoughts

Okay, I can exhale now.

Last night, Will and I celebrated our eleven year anniversary of best-friendshipness. Eleven years. There are marriages that don’t last that long.  If you wanna know about it, you can read about it here

We laughed, we bleaked out about our clear aging processes. Swapped eye cream tips, laughed about our horrible choices in music in a past life. We reminisced about our mutual stories of our frondship (this is codespeak).

Something about Will and Grace. You know, it is possible that over the last year, we’ve disagreed. That sounds weird to say, especially considering that we never had any real disagreements until this, our eleventh year. Sure, Will has vehemently held  back on commentary on certain choices I have made about where I place my heart in my life. But, this year we truly disagreed for the first time ever, to an almost awkward point.

But, we got over it, we got by, and I think we both realised it was actually a sign of our strength that it happened.

How did it happen? Will was worried about me. We ended up talking about how maybe we care too much. Turns out though, it’s not that at all. It’s when other people get involved and mixed up in the middle of what makes us a terminal team of madness and sanity, that something happens. We worry about each other. It’s what we do.

/One of the eight million and six reasons why I respect you so much, is that you’ve always been so careful not to intrude on it. Even to the point of us calling you ridiculous. The truth is, you fit with it. You’re okay to go with it. It means the world to me that you’ve never told me to choose./

And at 2am today, whilst we were laughing under the stars, having avoided crowds, ugly ex-boyfriends and irritating much-younger people who prompted me to ask the usual “Er, Will, do their mothers know they’re out? And no, I’m not paraphrasing ABBA”…I remembered how it is that my best friend and I met.

On a sunny Sunday. In a driveway. Neither of us feeling particularly social. And ultimately shy. I believe I was wearing some atrocious misconception of an outfit. It was not a red, tiered skirt, though. And I can confirm he was not wearing a polka dot shirt.

I keep in a file in my house. In it, the emails we used to write to each other. Termed the “spleenvent mails”, they got us through the years where Will lived in a different country, and I lived in another mental space. Those long-winded epistles made me laugh and cry every time. Were it not for those, I doubt I’d be the person I am today. By the time he returned on holiday, we were closer than anyone really knew. I think it was a bit of a shock for some people – we were okay with that.

And when, over a box of life-defining cigarettes, Will decided to return home, it was with my greatest heart that I felt okay with the world again. Will fast became the person I would run to, in real life, for everything. Will stood by me in everything. When I would cry about pain, he would put his hand on my shoulder and say “you know, these things will pass”. He would let me cry, never berate me for it. He would make me laugh. He would fish me out of life’s swimming pools, literally and figuratively. When the bottom fell out of my mind, shortly after Cam was born and my Dad died, it was Will who shuffled me into his house and said “here is a plate of food. eat it. this is a hot bath. wash in it. this is a pillow. sleep on it”. It was Will who got me through that time. When something in my house breaks, he brings his Big Jim toolbox and I laugh at his clearly butch nature. He has a tool cupboard in his kitchen. He’s like Bob the Builder, but Bob sings along to ABBA whilst he re-tiles people’s roofs or something. When my kidney broke, he rushed to hospital. Heh. Bjork, be damned .

The truth is, nothing ever changes between us. No matter how much life throws at us, candle holders inclusive, the texture and easy laughter flows without obstruction. I am blessed to have Will.

He is Cam’s godfather. That means more to me than you could know. To me, godparents aren’t there to ensure a child sticks to a religious principle. They exist to be another support to a child as they journey through the world.

I’ve had Will in my life for every critical turn in the journey, and every straight and easy road. I couldn’t have chosen better. I couldn’t ever have asked for a better partner in un-crime and oprah glasses. Knowing that Cam has that for her too, means the world to this mama.

Happy Anniversary, Will. Thank you for eleven years of everything we are.

Let’s go do the big block and the helicopter on the dancefloor like the crazy kids we still are. Just as soon as I finish my crossword

SOTD for today

Because it’s Will’s birthday, today’s SOTD is here

Happy Birthday Will

May they never stop the music

May they never keep us low

May the big blocks always speed up

And the little bumps stay down.

Here’s to a million more silly photos

And nights under the stars.

Love you muchos grande.

(and now, invisible plough! wahahah)

Twenty Nine.

When I was younger, I never thought I’d get here. But I did. It just seemed to be “so old”. I think I was right. wah.

Truth? This has been the year that I:

a. achieved a dream.

b. survived a parent’s worst nightmare. with you holding my hand all the way.

c. truly became a mom within in every aspect and fibre of myself. and loved that my family were with me.

d. found out that my random brainwaves actually can have meaning in the real world.

e. and that they can and do come to fruition.

f. found out i am believed in. truly.

g. found out that amazing people live beyond my immediate vision. and then some … …

h. celebrated ten years of incomparable friendship.

i. came home to find the pieces of my life strewn all over the floor, and some of it gone forever.

j. worried. alot. sometimes about my lunch.

k. embraced the future.

l. and dropped the past.

m. missed people terribly.

n. and danced unfettered by inhibition when they returned.

o. had presents arrive for no reason from people who love me just as i am. and Cam did too.

p. met and got to spend some time with a person i am in awe of. and people, in fact. and then had surprise arrivals in my life of people i have always wanted to know.

q. had my heart broken.

r. and am still understood.

s. spoke less.

t. and listened more.

u. sat in a waiting room watching as you finally made enough of an idiot of yourself to leave my life, without me feeling ashamed and leaving me vindicated.

v. had some of the most random, late night conversations with the best but messiest housemate one could ever wish for, and sometimes i still have them.

x. got to work with some of the most incredible people on the planet.

y. and come home every day, to  a home that’s truly ours. unfettered by memories, and blooming with possibility.

z. and at the end of this year, I am more me than I have ever been.

Thank You For An Incredible Year.

as will would say, woo woo.

My SOTD for today: here

If it weren’t for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren’t so wise beyond your years I would’ve been able to control myself
If it weren’t for my attention you wouldn’t have been successful and
If it weren’t for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don’t seem to mind
Ooh don’t go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We’ll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honoured your request for silence
And you’ve washed your hands clean of this

You’re essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You’re a kind of my protégé and one day you’ll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could get messy
But you don’t seem to mind
Ooh don’t go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We’ll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
I’ve more than honored your request for silence
And you’ve washed your hands clean of this

What part of our history’s reinvented and under rug swept?
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
What with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don’t tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cause you’re such a pretty thing when you’re done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don’t seem to mind
Ooh don’t go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

What I’ve Learnt

1. That your passion must never outweigh your love. Even if you love doing something so much you cannot imagine living without it, don’t forget to come home. I learnt that the hard way, by proxy. Because once upon a time, I was the home. (this is not nostalgic, just fact).

2. That working at 3am can sometimes be good for the soul.

3. Doing it every day is not.

4. That just when you think you cannot, something within you will say “yes, I can”.

5. That there a lot of dumb actions out there, not dumb people. See, thing is, one person may be totally stupid in something you are not, but level that playing field and you’ll see, we all pretty much balance out.

6. There are, however, exceptions to that rule.

7. In life, you will meet the people you are supposed to meet. Whether you like it or not. Haha.

8. That there is a couple who live in my road who have a raging argument just about every night. Last time I was awake at this time and heard it, one of them threw a suitcase out of a window. This time, they are in the road 03h08 throwing linen at each other. I shit you not. Linen.

9. Police do not respond to domestic altercation calls. Neither do security companies.

10. The thing that pains me most of all is that they have a gorgeous boychild. And he witnesses all of this.

11. This is why I chose to be a single mom.

12. You are only ever as happy as you allow yourself to be.

13. Sometimes it’s harder to allow yourself to be happy than it is to make someone else happy.

14. Tall buildings might house huge egos but, there are just people within them, after all.

15. Forgiving someone is a lot easier than forgiving yourself.

16. You will probably do a fair amount of dumb shit in your life. As long as you learn from it, don’t hurt anyone, and don’t carry on doing it, you’ll be just fine.

17. Listening, rather than waiting for your turn to speak (thanks, Marla Singer) will mean you learn something real, rather than just something else about yourself.

18. There is not a lot in the world that can’t be fixed with a hug. The need for human physical interaction is more than you realise, and a lot more than you deny it to be.

19. You can choose to laugh or to cry. If you choose to cry though, you’re probably going to end up doing it alone.

20. There is a car broken down in my road right now. Two very drunk people are trying to push start it whilst the clearly designated driver slash long-suffering girlfriend attempts to steer it. It’s obvious that the pushers are quite boozed. Because they’re pushing it up a hill, not down it, to start it.

21. Sometimes it’s better to let people go ahead and do their dumb shit, than it is to try and help them.

22. Which is why I’m sitting here typing this and not helping push, and obviously direct them the right way around.

23. Your best friends are the ones who will make you laugh in a crisis. Specifically, at yourself.

24. Try not to take it the wrong way when they do it.

25. Because you’ll do it for them one day, and mean it in the same kind of “oh shit, I’m so relieved you’re alive/unscathed/not marrying into a family of gingers” (this is a private joke, sorry, and not intended to offend anyone)

26. The grass is only greener on the other side because there is more manure there. Remember that.

27. The simplest pleasure in the world is a ‘love’ from a child.

28. Children love unconditionally. Never, ever throw conditions on your love for them.

29. You are only what people think you are when you believe them. Don’t let someone else’s perception skew yours.

30. It’s entirely possible that you’re wrong though, but if you need to learn a lesson, you’ll learn it. The hard way or the easy way.

31. No-one’s going to make it easier for you other than you.

32. Aforementioned broken down car now has it’s hood open whilst two rather sloshed boys attempt to fix it.

33. This is one of those dumb things you will probably do in your life, regret it in the morning, laugh about it one day, and then nervously change the subject.

Good morning, world.

random thoughts whilst my head is lost in formatting

1. I’m really happy for you, you know. even though you think it’s just crap backlash from me. It’s just joy for you. I’ve always believed in you longer and farther than you ever did. But then, you know this. And if you don’t by now, well, yeah, I guess we know how that turns out.

2. I am so utterly devastated for you. But, I believe in you. This shit will not get you down. Nor keep you down. You’re not alone.

3. I wish you would shut up and stop thinking that your existence in my sphere is a blessing I have yet to realise. Dude, trust me, I realised my blessings way before you gulped your way through the door. I don’t need the alleged blessing of you, thanks.

4. No, that’s not how I feel about life. I don’t really care how you feel about that, either.

5. I can’t wait to see your face.

6. Seriously. It’s been seven years, it seems and yet you can pick any fucking random day of any fucking year and you choose today to swan right onto my phone line and say “oh hi, how you doing?” Fuck you in your eye for that, yo.

7. Couches. Plumbers. The longer relation word. His pants fit yours. Well roundedness like flour settling. Let’s just go do the big block and dye our hair blue.

8. I don’t even know how to tell you that what you’ve asked for is impossible. Sure, everything’s possible but, it’s just not possible with what I have to work with. Deal with this, soon.

9. When I tell you about that and you cry because you feel like you didn’t do something, you did. Your existence was enough. I’ll never forget that.

10. Sometime very soon, I will forgive myself for feeling responsible for your actions. Fuck knows what’ll help you then.

11. Sleep deprivation makes you doubt everything. Yourself included. Please excuse me.

12. I can never thank you enough for being with me.

november rain

so here i am, home again. home again to find divine person lying on narcolepsy couch and for divine sleep and snuggle.

i am working my ass off to meet a deadline, so im at home today. itunes pops up november rain and hey, yo, it’s raining outside. and it’s november. hah.
not much from the random thoughts desk today, i’m busy summoning all my fairy dust (and trust me, it works!) to get the job done.

catch you soon blogland.

=)

(btw. thank you for the Not-Tea, MsBehavn).

(btw. btw. SAA. YOU FUCKING SUCK GAH)

SOTD: Hand in my pocket. (yes, with actions, William)- anm.

I’m broke but I’m happy
I’m poor but I’m kind
I’m short but I’m healthy, yeah
I’m high but I’m grounded
I’m sane but I’m overwhelmed
I’m lost but I’m hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I’m sober
I’m young and I’m underpaid
I’m tired but I’m working, yeah
I care but I’m worthless
I’m here but I’m really gone
I’m wrong and I’m sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything’s gonna be quite alright
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette

What it all comes down to
Is that I haven’t got it all figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I’m free but I’m focused
I’m green but I’m wise
I’m shy but I’m friendly baby
I’m sad but I’m laughing
I’m brave but I’m chicken shit
I’m sick but I’m pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one’s really got it figured out just yet
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano

What it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything’s just fine fine fine
I’ve got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxicab…

underneath the desk i have a very full life.

I awoke at three am. the reasons for that are now inconsequential but it did lead me to a good place – A sunny morning, with Cameron dancing in a pretty dress and telling me how she loved me so much.

Sue arrives in three weeks time. I am so excited for this and am writing an itinerary for it. Woot! Which will, of course, be disseminated, perused and giggled over. Hehe.

My daughter awes me with her big, big love.

My friends stop and fill my heart with their massive love. And their delivered-by-divine-hand liquorice and stars.

My person makes me smile just because he exists, and the million and one reasons beyond that.

Work is busy, but good. Fucking busy but good.

I never have quite told you about the Will and Grace anniversary. I’ll sum it up with this line: here’s to the next ten years.

I have yet to fill you in on how good it was to see the girls, laugh at our differences and samenesses and pop the balloons of life together. Always the trampoline-style smiling of familiarities and being frowned upon for our exuberance by tight-lipped frumps. Not much has changed amongst us, when you get to the core of the matter.

Coming soon, Cam and I will spend a day baking the family Christmas Cake with my mum. Never done that before and Cam is very excited. To be honest, so am I.

And lastly, because I know it will make my mum so proud, I include a transcript of a conversation from last night:

Me: Cameron, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Cam:  A ballet teacher.

=)

Ten Years.

Dear Will

I have no other way to sum up these ten years except to say…

mondegreens/first aid kits exploding/dancing/R.E.M./and not getting enough R.E.M. sleep/i have a little small castle/there is a light upon my teats/it’s not the ***** talking but, i love you/tissues/leaving boys in the rain/leaving people standing in the road/intercontinental phonecalls when i still lived in the hood and you had blue hair/melissa etheridge is so gay/no, you’re more gay/come to my window/but watch because the candle holder will fall out of it/fishing me out of swimming pools/red tiered skirts/sponge bob square pants/mr delivery/whatever happened to your white lab coat/the cockroach in the fishtank/bjork duvet reenactments – bitch stole my idea/i’m in labour, you’re in australia/that cath is such a nice girl/you’re coming home, i don’t care how many cigarettes this takes/can you hear the drums fernandoooo/i hate ireland/gigantic fishbowls/you really need to get rid of the yellow tee/okay keep it. but, please, for the love of Krishna, get rid of the polka dot one, and that other one i don’t like to think about/look, we’ll just go for a little dance and be home before midnight/roti on the back seat/minerva in the front/one night you scared me totally with your singing and i still hate you for it because you rock so much more at it/but that’s why birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it/olive oyl gets her arms from us/flailing/ugly cry/happy cry/blur’s you’re so great/i love your eyeliner/elbow through the window/i invade your house often and i would do it more/the human league’s don’t you want me baby/ if i could bring you a frond from every forest in the world, i would/the groc book/pron hangman/one day we will go to Paris, not Parys/we hate splashy fen/are you sure we aren’t twins/rendezvouses/bunking and drunking/email/spleenvent/i have new shoes let’s go out/your hair looks gorgeous/wear the little black number/why is it whenever you come over i’m always wearing a towel/shuttup, towel was never a fashion statement/yes, even when i had that halter dress/darling, can i borrow your stockings?/edward fucking monkton/the pig of happiness saved my life/shit i’m pregnant, phoning you/sleeping now/frond/mutual exes/house parties/lamps/resonation/ everyone has a paradigm, can i keep this one?/parenting by proxy/this is me selling my drama but you can have it for free/meringue/pina/the will and grace finale/monday night traditions/wild bean cafe karaoke/nine million bicycles and it’s a total bitch i have never learnt how to ride one/lost in tv/omg you know who pulp is/an ascending socialite/you wrote me a postcard when i was younger and i still have it/i have every email and letter/dancing on the roof/hi i’m dying please pick me up/no i want your new squeeze to do it/keep laughing because mascara runs and that shit’s expensive/pinata/you have a furry kiddy/you know the one i speak of/random dirty shoes that annoy us/boys who wash dishes/why is it that they get the sulks/take that – say no more/michael stipe and natalie merchant/all these modern things, like cars and such/say no more monamor/interprovincial dating/you don’t look happy/i’m not happy/let’s run away/no, let’s just stay here and make them run away/watching juno with your knees around your knees/the word guffaw/the word pong/beano annuals/jam butties/teesav shorts/you were rad when you were a teenager/you were even radder when you grew up/eternal date/no, you can’t buy my shoes/i hate dumb people/Mr Men/Bionic Six/He-Man and She-Ra will never get it on because he’s homo, yo/three candles for csj/i sent you flowers but they delivered them to my office the fuckers/hiding in the bathroom watching videos and ignoring everyone else/the bitter end/no brian molko is not all that hot/islands in the stream/you wear that polka dot shirt and ill wear the gold thing/poohing on a plane/the sydney opera house will never be the same again/everyone thinks we’re dating and we’re so not/i used to make you tapes and mail them to you/let’s get tattoos/blubbing as i type this/i’m sorry i spilt water on your FICA documents/nutella sandwiches/you wrote me a poem once called my grace/eric mccormack and debra horse messing are us even though we dress better/you are never allowed to leave the country without producing a return ticket/big gay suitcase/that doctor is hot, holy shit, i’m dying/holy shit, i’m alive/mullets, we had them/peering through the roses…i posted this old picture because you look divine even though you’re wearing pink and i look like an aged leper like always… =)

Thank you for ten years of the Will and Grace show. Happy Anniversary.

It’s not the blog talking but, I love you.

I tell the world I’m 35
Only you know the truth
I tell them all i’m happy
But only you have the proof
I tell myself I’ll fall in love
And not just fall on my face
But til then I’m living with hope and I’m living with Grace

I tell the world I’m 6′1″
And all you do is smile
I tell them all I’m playing the field
But you know that’s not my style
I tell myself I’ll find my way
Moving at my own pace
But til them I’m living with pride
And i’m living with Grace

Living with Grace, is never easy
But that’s not what life’s about
No matter where tommorrow sees me
I rather live with Grace than live without

I know that soon you’ll find someone
And vanish without a trace
But although I’m living alone
I’ll be living with Grace

Yes no matter, come what will
In my heart I’ll be living with Grace